I need some emotional advice

[Tomcats]

Originally Posted by Marcia

"My sister in law got peevish a few years ago and reported her elderly neighbor to animal control for not having licenses for two of her dogs - one of the elderly dogs ended up getting euthanized. I still loathe her for that, and honestly, it affects my feelings towards my brother because I know he is just fine with her behavior."

Tomcat, that is so sad. What a hateful thing to do to that old neighbor. Those pets may have been all she/he had in the world. It's a shame when family members do hateful things - life is hard enough without that added stress.

Originally Posted by Arianwen

I've never had a family member like that but I know what would happen if someone in my family married a creep of that sort...... I probably shouldn't say this but the police would be the least of their worries.

The worst part is my brother couldn't care less - and he loves animals himself!
Whatever she does though, is fine with him.

[MyBabiesDaddy]

@VenusWorld - what you said makes a ton of sense and I thank you for your comments. I go to the local Pet store and they always have big, older kitties for adoption and my heart goes out to them. I wish I could adopt them all and just love them. It's actually interesting that you mentioned the Craigslist stories because my newest cat is a 5 month old kitten that I got from a shelter 3 months ago. I picked him because he was so playful and I thought he could get my older cat to play. There were "cuter" cats there, but I decided I was getting a cat as a companion for my teenage cat, not for me. Anyway, what makes him so much more special is that he was returned to the shelter twice before we got him. The first time he was returned because his owner had cat allergies and couldn't keep him (whatever that means..haven't they heard of Zyrtec?). The 2nd time he was returned because the owner was in the military and was re-assigned and couldn't take him with her. Well, their loss was my blessing because my little man is the most sweet and loving and adorable cat in the world and I'm so HAPPY they gave up on him, because I certainly won't!! @VenusWorld, I may one day foster adult cats too, although I'm not sure how I could give them up once I fall in love with them!!! I posted my issue on this forum because I want the advice of fellow cat lovers. You're the ones who understand the pain I feel. People who don't love cats (or even other animals) just don't get it. Regardless, your words ring true to me, and I thank you for your advice!!!!!!!

@StraysMommy: I really hope that you're right. I hope my words affected him and his kids and everyone else sitting at the table. It still doesn't bring back the poor soul who died so slowly and painfully, but hopefully it'll prevent further harm from happening.

@Tomcats: What your sister in law did was horrible. I feel terrible for the old lady who lost one of her babies You can relate to my dilemma more intimately - so what do you do when you're around your Sister in law and brother? How do you behave with her ???

[Tomcats]

@Tomcats: What your sister in law did was horrible. I feel terrible for the old lady who lost one of her babies You can relate to my dilemma more intimately - so what do you do when you're around your Sister in law and brother? How do you behave with her ???

I refuse to be around her as much as possible. When my parents want to celebrate holidays at my house, I always refuse if my brother will be there. I don't want her - or her karma - in my house.

When all else fails, and I cannot avoid her, I stick to a polite "Hello, Goodbye," and brief comments about the weather. After a few minutes of talking about the weather, even the biggest boor will take the hint, and afflict someone else.

I try not to hate anyone, but she makes it difficult.

[Hairball]

Nice to meet you, MyBabiesDaddy. Like you, I am a "daddy" to a 1 and a half year-old cat. Also like you, animal cruelty---even talk of animal cruelty---disgusts and horrifies me. Especially cruelty towards cats, since I'm a cat person.

The advice of "cold politeness" is sound. But if your brother-in-law were to brag about having committed animal cruelty again in the future, I'd try the approach of making him look and feel like a complete piece of crap, by pointing out to him the fact that he's religious and "supposedly" a good Christian. I'd ask him questions such as: "How can you call yourself a good Christian and hurt animals? Do you think God approves of such behavior towards intelligent lifeforms that he's created?" (I'm actually a very non-religious person, personally, but I would still use this against him in such a serious situation, to expose his hypocrisy).

I'm wondering, since I don't know your brother-in-law: Is it possible that he's one of those big talkers and storytellers, who likes to act tough and brag about things that he hasn't done? I know so many people who are full of it. Is it possible that he hasn't even done the deed he brags about having committed, and even after seeing your anger, didn't want to own up to the fact that he fabricated that story? I just find it very hard to believe that a person could be capable of such cruelty, and be a churchgoer. Sounds more like a potential serial killer in the making, as far as I'm concerned.

Also, if he ever brags about having committed animal cruelty ever again, I'd report him to the SPCA. Having the authorities "sniffing" around, investigating him, would at the very least instill some fear into him!

[MyBabiesDaddy]

@tomcats: as much as I'd love to refuse to come to a family holiday dinner if he's there, that's not likely . I will however give him the coldest of shoulders. However, since my family doesn't have pets, and therefore don't feel my pain, I'LL be viewed as the childish one for my behavior!

@hairball: welcome to the forum fellow Daddy I did use the religious perspective at first, but he said it didn't apply to these "disgusting" kinds of cats. I guess because its a feral and maybe a little mangy that he considered it different then other cats. My sister had to explain to him why what he did was wrong. My parents said after I left the table he did realize his wrongdoing and brought it up a few more times in some way, so it was definitely on his mind. And I don't think he was posturing. If he was , and he was too embarrassed to admit it , he would've come to me afterwards in private and admitted it. I mean, what kind of lesson would is he teaching his kids if this wasn't true? I think he did it and thought nothing of it.

[Marcia]

"I did use the religious perspective at first, but he said it didn't apply to these "disgusting" kinds of cats.".....

If it comes up again and you can stomach it, tell him that most of the ferals (at least around my parts) I've seen were nothing more than thrown away domestic cats just trying to survive. Many were once house pets and have grown wild and untrusting because of the circumstances they are in (it could happen to anyone - think Lord of the Rings). It may be there is just no good argument you can make to him.

[gharrissc]

I would have to tell him how I felt about what he did. There's nothing you can do about the cat now,but I couldn't look at this guy twice a year or not and pretend.

[HooKooDooKu]

Originally Posted by MyBabiesDaddy

How do I "move on" and interact with him? What should I do?

One simple word... Forgive

Originally Posted by MyBabiesDaddy

When I was 12 or 13 I was outside with my older brother and we were playing around with a new BB gun we had. There was a pigeon on a wire 60 feet away and for the **** of it we tried to shoot it down.

As you point out, it's not as if the rest of us are without sin. Try to view his actions aginst this cat as his "pigeon" event.

Originally Posted by MyBabiesDaddy

They tried to tell me that he understood what he did was wrong end he regrets it now, but based in the way he was laughing about it, I just don't buy it.

See, he has already had something of a change of heart.


It will also help if you try to see things a little bit from his perspective:

Originally Posted by MyBabiesDaddy

He actually told me that its no different then throwing away a mouse In a trap.

Try to see that there is a grain of truth to this statement. What is the difference between a rose and a weed? "Desire". At its simplest, the definision of a weed is "an undesirable plant". What is the difference between a "pet" and "vermin"? I would argue the same thing... desire. After all, some people keep mice as pets, some see them as vermin that need to be eliminated. So it makes some sense to me that there will be people that see all cats as "pets", while others would see ferral cats as "vermin". We as cat lovers obviously find it impossible to consider cats, even ferral cats, as vermin. But we have to see that not everyone sees cats as we do.

Originally Posted by MyBabiesDaddy

Ultimately I think it's something I'll have to internalize and learn to live with since I'm helpless and powerless to make him change.

You won't be able to turn him into a pet lover, but I get the feeling that because of your willingness to confront the situation, you have already caused change. It seems to me that you keep focusing on the wrong that was done to one cat. As others have said, no mater what anyone does, what has been done can not be undone. But think of what difference you might have already made to the lives of the other ferral cats. Sure, your BIL isn't going to suddenly begin to love and care for them. But at the very least, I doubt any of them will face getting locked in a cage and getting thrown away to die.

In other words, I think you've already made a difference. Try to hold on to that.

[Hairball]

Words of wisdom, HooKooDooku.

My problem with MyBabiesDaddy's brother-in-law's story, i.e. the reason why I think it might be fabricated, is that he said that he threw away the cat with the cage. Even if he wanted to kill the cat, he surely wouldn't have wanted to just throw away a perfectly good cage which he bought? Unless he went back some days later---after the cat had died---to get the cage back? He must've wanted the cage back, right?---especially if he wanted to catch more feral cats.

[anie]

Originally Posted by Hairball

My problem with MyBabiesDaddy's brother-in-law's story, i.e. the reason why I think it might be fabricated, is that he said that he threw away the cat with the cage. Even if he wanted to kill the cat, he surely wouldn't have wanted to just throw away a perfectly good cage which he bought? Unless he went back some days later---after the cat had died---to get the cage back? He must've wanted the cage back, right?---especially if he wanted to catch more feral cats.

I was actually thinking the same... did he go back for cage?