Please help, before I have to re-home her.

[WaY_WeiRd]

My cat Jax is really a great girl, and I love her... but I'm pretty sure she hates me, my fiance, and anything having to do with us. Though she is well behaved... no scratching where she shouldn't, stays off the counters for the most part, always uses her box, etc...

My fiance brought her home for me two years ago, a week before my grandmother passed away. We got her for free, and she was 5 weeks old... and bald (her hair did eventually come in, she had some congenital condition I am told). She was a sad looking little thing. Her mother had been hit and killed by a car, and the lady who was caring for her litter just couldn't do it anymore... So she gave the kittens away to good homes, and we took Jax (who we thought was a boy at first, hence the name!).

She was never lovey with us from the start, but was lovey with the lady who cared for her after he mother was killed. I don't know how a 5 week old kitten can decide she doesn't like her owners, but ours must have.

We have two dogs as well. A German Shepherd and a Pom, and right from the start she DID get along with the dogs. She plays with them, and even lays with the Shepherd... Which is what we had hoped for.

She is a playful girl, and she loves chasing lasers or any source of moving light, feather toys, balls, etc...

But, if I try to touch her, she generally just runs away... Or she bats at me, claws out, or... she puts her teeth on me. She's never bitten hard enough to draw blood though. She NEVER asks for attention. Ever. She will sit close to us, stare at us from across the room, and beg for food if we're eating... but she HATES being touched by us.

She has on very rare occasion sat with me for 10 minutes or so to be petted and she purred, but that is so rare that when it happens I don't even know what to do with myself.

Now, here is where it gets even more depressing:

I had just figured she was a lost cause, and that she would always hate people. My fiance and I took a trip this summer, and my sister who has two cats of her own watched her (at her house) for us. I didn't want to leave her at our house, all shut up, with no air conditioning. She kept her confined to one room. Jax actually came out, rubbed on my sister's legs, let her pick her up, purred for her, layed with her, did all the things she refuses to do with us. She was happy with her. I even have video proof of it. I didn't believe my sister, so yes, she had to take video of my cat actually being lovey.

I want so badly for my cat to like us even the smallest amount, but I cannot get her to act that way with us. I have layed on the floor and tried just letting her come up to me on her own, but after an hour of that I realized that wasn't working. I have sat alone in a room with her away from everything else and tried bribing her with treats, and that didn't work. I have tried picking her up and sitting with her on the couch to pet her, and she just gets frantic to get away. When she sits close to us on the couch, I've tried to just put my hand up to her then slowly touch her... She sniffs me, and when I put my hand on her she backs away, claws me, or puts her mouth on me... Strangely enough though, sometimes those little "love bites" turn into licks?

I am at my wits end with her, and my fiance wants her gone. I can't, in good conscience, just kick her out without trying harder to get her to like living here. What can I do? Is there any advice you can give me? Would she just be happier anywhere that isn't with us? I've never owned a cat before Jax, and I am clueless when it comes to them. I work with dogs for a living, and this cat has me so confused. She just doesn't love us, but loves my sister... And my sister would take her, but she has two of her own and a dog already as well. She just doesn't have room or time for one more on a permanent basis. Are we just not the right home for her? You would think that in two years time she would have come around, but sadly, no... But I've seen it, she has it in her to enjoy attention from people!

Please, if you can.... Help? I'm trying to actually keep my animal, and I really could use some help. If she would just act like she's happy here, my fiance would back off on telling me that she needs to go. =-(

[catloverami]

This is a sad story you tell, and it seems you've done all the right things to try and win Jax over. After 2 years, I really don't think she will change. What would be best would be if your sister could make room for one more, as Jax bonded with her. You can't make a cat like you, anymore than you can make a person who, for whatever reason, doesn't like someone. It happens with cats too. I did have one like yours who wasn't too bad as a kitten, but when it matured, never liked being picked up, or fussed over, and never voluntarily came to me for affection. I rehomed her, and offered to take her back if she didn't connect with the owner. But she did, and she was a completely different cat. At the time I was breeding and had about 9-10 cats and in retrospect I think she preferred to be a solitary cat with one owner. Had another cat one time that was fine with me, but was sold to another breeder and the cat had an instant dislike of her and attacked her repeatedly, and because this breeder wanted to breed her, the cat went to live with her mother and absolutely adored her, so had her kittens there. To this day, do not know why the cat detested this person. So it's difficult to know the "why" of this kind of behavior. I know how disappointed you are that this kitty hasn't turned out how you expected, but you both aren't happy and it would be best to rehome her. Let another cat/kitten choose you the next time, make several visits before deciding to get a good handle on its personality and how it reacts to you. Good luck and all the best!

[MowMow]

Just a thought but...if your husband is that hostile towards the cat (even if it's not outwardly) it's going to sense that and going to make things much worse, imo.

[catloverami]

Message timed out before I could add ...... If you do get another cat, make sure it is well socialized and over 12 wks. of age, and one that both you and your fiance can bond with.

[love.my.cats]

Originally Posted by MowMow

Just a thought but...if your husband is that hostile towards the cat (even if it's not outwardly) it's going to sense that and going to make things much worse, imo.

This could be a possibility. We were at dinner with friends last night and actually had a discussion about cats an dogs feeding off their owners energy.

Or another thing I was thinking was maybe there's something in your environment that puts her on edge and she's not relaxed enough to let her guard down and be lovey with you guys. If I were in your position, I might even try a Feliway diffuser to help relax her a little if that's what she needs.

[GoldenLion]

Originally Posted by MowMow

Just a thought but...if your husband is that hostile towards the cat (even if it's not outwardly) it's going to sense that and going to make things much worse, imo.

AGREED!

Skye still doesnt like being touched and she is pretty much two years old. Some cats are just like that I say!

[Kobster]

I think I agree with MowMow, if your fiance is wanting the cat gone, and all she's done "wrong" is not be overly affectionate, then there are deeper issues there and your fiance just flat doesn't like cats. Cats are sensitive, they know when they aren't wanted. Your sister, who has cats, obviously likes cats. Jax can tell. The lady who rescued Jax initially was also a cat person. Jax knew this too. For whatever reason, she isn't getting warm fuzzies from you and your fiance. She's probably thinking to herself, "Why can't I get these humans to like me? Are they not the right humans for me? Maybe I should find them a new home?" Please read that humorously as thats how it is intended. I think you just have a sensitive and intuitive cat, and a fiance that is putting out the wrong vibes. I'm not trying to be hateful towards you OH, its just that a cat lover wouldn't think of getting rid of a cat just because they aren't affectionate. I mean, she sounds like a wonderful pet. Well behaved, playful, adorable. I can't think of a single cat lover that would rehome a cat because she wasn't cuddly. Your cat knows this.

[Susan]

Originally Posted by WaY_WeiRd

If she would just act like she's happy here, my fiance would back off on telling me that she needs to go. =-(

Cuddling and being happy are not one and the same. Unhappiness in cats translates into stress, and if your cat were unhappy/stressed, you would see other signs. She'd be hiding all/most of the time or there would be other problems (aggression, litter box problems, scratching, destructiveness, etc.). You're seeing none of that.

Your description of Jax is almost identical to how I would describe Muffs. I adopted Muffs as a kitten and she's now almost 3. She HATES to be handled. If I try to pick her up, she will struggle for dear life. She refuses to sit on my lap. She will tolerate being petted around the head for a few seconds...although she's only done that for the past little while, not at first. She rarely seeks attention, and rarely (if ever) purrs. She occasionally sleeps at the foot of my bed, but more often she sleeps under the bed. In fact, I had to laugh when you mentioned the part about "love bites" often turning into licks, because that's exactly what Muffs does. On the other hand, Muffs is playful, extremely well behaved and never does anything she shouldn't (if we forget about the few times she scratches my rug ). I would never even dream of rehoming Muffs. I adore her, despite her peculiarities. About the only difference between Muffs and Jax is that Muffs is not affectionate with anyone. Indeed, she's even less affectionate with others.

I would stop trying so hard to get Jax to be cuddly, and stop worrying about when she will start cuddling. Just start accepting her for who she is right now...a well-behaved, low-maintenance, playful, but not very cuddly cat. If you accept her, you might find that in time she will accept you, and will start to show some affection (as Muffs has started to do by recently allowing me to pet her around the head for a few minutes). But, if she continually gets the message that what she's doing is wrong and that you aren't happy with her, chances are she'll retreat even further over time.

[catbrb]

Shadow isn't cuddly either. When we try to pet him he kind of slinks away. When your hand is going for him, he'll start to push his body down so your hand doesn't even touch him, it's sort of comical tbh. I know he loves me, he's just not an affectionate cat. He'll still hop on the couch and sleep on the arm, but if I start to bother him he'll leave. He likes to sit behind me on the computer chair and that's about as cuddly as he gets. Very rarely when we go to bed, he'll lay on my chest for 5 minutes for pets but then just goes inbetween my feet and sleeps there. He is also two years old. And he also throws a hissy fit when we try to pick him up, there's normally a scratch where he tried to jump off with his back paws.

This might be weird advice, but you might stop trying to bond with her so much? Give her treats here and there and play with her, coo at her, but don't pet her/pick her up if she doesn't like it.

[doodlebug]

Maggie was a 12 week old kitten when I got her, I already had Callie who was about 2. Maggie was a crazy, insane kitten...way more than most kittens and she rebuffed any attempts to cuddle. When I tried to pet her, she'd duck under my hand and run off or sometimes smack it down. When I picked her up she'd growl until I put her down. Yet she always wanted to be near me...she'd lie on the couch, just a couple inches further than I could reach. Same thing in bed...she'd lay against the lower part of my legs....but just far enough that I couldn't reach her. Eventually we reached an "agreement"...I was allowed to stroke her head 3-5 times twice each day...when I got up in the morning and when I came home from work. Other than that..."don't touch me".

This went on for years...nearly 10. Then I lost Callie to cancer. The very same night that Callie was PTS, Maggie came up to me seeking attention. I have no idea how she knew but she did. Callie has been gone 5 years and Maggie now regularly seeks attention and acts like a normal cat bonded with her mama.

The only explanation I can think of for her change in behavior is that Callie was definitely a mama's girl. She was on me all the time. While the two got along well, maybe Callie made it clear in some way that Maggie wasn't to infringe on that.

So, my point is...your cat may feel that there's another relationship that she doesn't want to challenge. I also agree that if you're the point of thinking about rehoming her because she hasn't lived up to your expectations, then there is a probably a vibe that is being given off that is also making her even more standoffish. Never once did I consider rehoming Maggie because she wasn't cuddly, I accepted her for the cat that she was.