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An uneffectionate kitten

3K views 15 replies 11 participants last post by  suivanova 
#1 ·
I just need to let all of my emotions out because they have been building up for the past month and I haven't told anyone about it, so I think if I let them brood for any longer I am going to break. About a month ago, I adopted a 3 month old kitten I named Frankie from an animal shelter. Originally I didn't even want to get a kitten, I had been researching adult male cats online from various fosters that were apparently very affectionate. However, my mother, grandmother, and I (I'm a minor by the way) visited an animal shelter just to look at the animals, not to adopt. My mother and grandmother both saw this adorable little female kitten that they wanted to see. She was the sweetest thing, just wanted to be held and fell asleep in their arms. I was extremely skeptical, since I already had everything planned out for what kind of cat I wanted, but they reassured me that even though it was my choice, I couldn't go wrong with a kitten like her. Eventually, I caved in and fell in love with the little thing as well and we took her home that day.

Except we got completely snowed.

What we weren't told until after the fact was that she was spayed THE DAY BEFORE we saw her at the shelter, and was still under the effects of anesthesia. The next day, she was zipping about everywhere and no longer wanted to be held at all. She still gave head bonks if I held my hand out to her, but then she'd simply slide her body along my hand and then walk away. She tolerates pets but I can't really say that she asks for them. However, the one thing that I loved about her was that she loved to snuggle. In the afternoon, she'd hop up onto the bed when I was on my computer, snuggle up right next or on my lap, and fall asleep. But it's been a month and now it seems like she's stopped ALL affectionate gestures. She no longer snuggles, occasionally head bonks but very rarely, and no longer follows me around the house as often. I wanted a cat because I love to snuggle and pet and cuddle, and I figured that a cat would give that to me (I wasn't allowed to get a dog). But now, Frankie is so different from what I was expecting that it has driven me to tears sometimes. And it certainly doesn't help considering how she is a kitten, and kittens are almost always more affectionate than adults. If this is her "affectionate," than I can only imagine how aloof she will be as an adult.

It's gotten to that point where I've even began to regret adopting her and wondering if it would be best for both of us to give her back. It is such a horrible thought, I know, and I despise myself every time it crosses my mind, and yet I just can't stop it from doing that :crying:. Part of it is likely because I already had cats carefully picked out and yet I gave way to pressure and made a hasty decision anyway. Not to mention the fact that this isn't actually the first time this has happened. Back in January, I adopted a 2 year old female named Joy. I don't want to go into that much detail, but let's just say we did EVERYTHING wrong and it go so bad that it was basically irreversible so we gave Joy back. That feeling of giving back an animal after making a commitment is the worst feeling possible, and I just don't know if I can do that again, especially considering how Frankie is beginning to bond with me. But at the same time, I don't know if I can ever be happy with her if she continues to act this way. It's been stressing me out to point where I can barely sleep. I really need advice...please help.
 
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#2 ·
You weren't happy with a 2 year old and you're not happy with a kitten (who is just acting like a normal kitten, not what you think she should be acting like). You're 0 for 2, for whatever reason (since you won't go into detail), so I think you should return the kitten and wait until you're living on your own and can't be "influenced" by other people to pick out a cat. And in the meantime, maybe buy a couple of cat books so you can better understand their behavior.
 
#3 · (Edited)
A lot of 4 mo. old kittens are just too busy to be cuddly, and curious about so many things in the house. To me it sounds as if she is already demonstrating that she has the potential to be a really cuddly cat, because she already snuggles in your lap when your on the computer or bed. She is really just in her manic kitten phase which will go on for several more months until she's around a year old and then she will likely mellow out somewhat. Some cats can be standoffish, but they are usually kittens that from birth for whatever reason don't like to be picked up....they'll complain ever time, they don't want to snuggle in your lap, but maybe just sit beside you. If kitty is long haired, often they get too warm in a lap and will stay a short time and then leave. So if Frankie doesn't try to wriggle away and allows you to pick her up without a lot of complaining, I think she has potential. Usually grooming a cat is a good bonding exercise in my experience. Get a polished steel pet comb, and gently comb her every day, start with the areas she like--cheeks, back near base of the tail, avoid areas she doesn't like, perhaps her tummy. Also end the grooming session with some treats, and she will come to look forward to these grooming sessions. Also, clip off the tips of her claws (a bathroom counter is a good place, and only do a few at a time as long as she isn't objecting, but be careful not to cut into the "quick" vein in her claw or you may never be able to do her claws again). Give her treats immediately after you finish her manicure. If she strongly objects, clip a few while she is sleeping. Another thing you can do is to play with her with a cord or thick string---sit on the floor and drag it around you and into your lap. Also an interactive fishing pole type of toy like "Da Bird" is excellent especially when she gets older and needs a more vigorous workout. Don't leave food down or available for her to browse; feed her meals 3-4 /day (canned food is preferable). She will be more attached to you if you're the "food giver". Hope some of these suggestions you will consider, rather than giving up on Frankie who you say "is beginning to bond with me". All the best!
 
#4 ·
I think take both of Marie and Catlover's advice. Read up on cats and put some effort into forming a relationship with the kitten. There is some good advice there. I think a young kitten like that would enjoy playing with you. Just don't let her get used to using your hand as a toy. Treats and feeding do wonders. And you have only had your cat for a month. Relationships that matter take longer than a month. Finally, you kind of have to get along with your cat as you would people. You can't make them do what they don't want to do and each have their preferences. She is so young that she doesn't even know what her preferences will be in the future. And maturity changes the need. You have a young, active kitten on your hands.
 
#5 ·
Ally, I'm so sorry for what you've been feeling! the anguish you've been experiencing sounds unbearable.
but it sounds like you've been incredibly mature about it and are being very logical, too, so I applaud you for that. despite it only being a month, if you have been feeling this way for almost the whole time and it has been tearing you apart inside for this long, and you feel you are at the end of your rope, then it MAY actually be the best thing to return her. it is far easier to adopt out kittens than adults, so returning her now means she still has a very good chance of being discovered by her forever family. and now that she is no longer feeling the effects of the anesthesia and has been developing her own personality, others will see her as she truly is and if they adopt her, it will be because they were looking for a rowdy little girl like her anyway. so I don't think you have to feel overly sad or bad about it. you may actually be doing both of you a big favor in the long run. you had you heart set on an adult male and I hope you get your wish. if your mom and grandma are already truly in love with this kitten, is it possible for them to be the main caretakers for her AND adopt another cat who will be "your" personal buddy, too? or are you limited to 1 cat for the whole household right now?
 
#6 ·
Thank you all so much for your replies. They have been really helping me sort out my problems through a tough time like this. My parents have recently taken notice to my lack of sleep and have talked to me about Frankie. They said that I have romanticized my idea as to what a cat should be like, and that she really IS a good cat. But they emphasized how I can't change who she is and that I have to mold my expectations around her, and if I can't do that and continue to be sad, then she has to go. My grandmother has said that if I didn't want Frankie, then she would take her. However, the next cat that we get will stay whether I like it or not unless it is attacking us, in which case it goes back and I won't be able to get another cat at all. We agreed to give it a week's time to decide if I want to keep her or not, and if I can't decide, then she's going anyway. Honestly, I don't have the first idea as to what I'm going to do. What if the next cat I get, despite my best efforts, is WORSE than Frankie? My parents don't think that getting the cat during the school year is a good idea, and with our schedule for the rest of the summer, there's a pretty good chance that I'd have to wait until next summer to get another cat. Waiting 5 months from January to June was hard enough, waiting 11 months will be torture. Yet it seems as though Frankie gets less and less affectionate everyday. I suppose that she's just getting used to her surroundings, but the reason I wanted a cat of my own to begin with was because our family cat, Maya, is a complete jerk and just wants to be left alone all day. I don't want another "Maya." Ugh, I don't know anymore...
 
#8 ·
I don't understand why you'll be willing to keep the NEXT cat, no matter what, but not this one. Clearly you should return this one while she's still little and more adoptable, and wait until you're on your own and/or have a better understanding of cat behavior. Think Like a Cat is a great book for insight into their behavior.
 
#9 ·
Well, that part about keeping the next cat no matter what was my parent's idea, not mine. As for me saying that Maya is a jerk, I kinda over-exaggerated that to get my point across....hehehe. She WAS rated the worst cat they've ever seen at the vet and bit my mom so badly that she sent her to the hospital sooooooooo I guess there's that.

I will admit, even though it's only been a day since my last reply, I took all of yesterday to re-evaluate my situation. And I realized that if I did give Frankie up, I would actually really miss her. I have been paying a bit too much attention to what she isn't rather than what she is, and when I truly looked at what she was, I found a really fun cat. She has all these little quirks to her that are completely adorable and I suppose I did romanticize my idea of a cat. Our family is pretty good at getting sucky pets, it's already happened twice and now thrice, but we love them anyway. So while I still have a week to make my final decision, I have a pretty good feeling that Frankie is here to stay. ...Unless she sends me to the hospital that is....
 
#10 ·
good for you for being able to step back and evaluate the situation logically. (although i know it's hard to be logical when emotions are involved!!!)

another option you might have if you have the time and transportation means is to volunteer at a shelter for a while. it's good to know your grandma definitely would consider Frankie hers if you decide not to be her human. and that's great if you can accept Frankie for her special "non-affectionate" personality. but if you are still wanting a cuddlebug, then volunteering with cats is a great way to get to know a whole lot of them all at once and spend time with them to see who loves to cuddle! if you find one you find a real connection with, give it at least a few weeks to make sure it truly is his/her personality before you decide to adopt and that it's meant to be.

good luck to you! and give my best to Frankie. the little stinker! ha ha! kitten - you gotta love 'em no matter what, eh?
 
#11 ·
A lot depends on connection of cats to how cuddly and attentive they will be to their owner. As a breeder I would always advise a potential buyer to not have specific wish list, such as a specific color or sex. The best bond happens when the kitten chooses the owner. For example, when I decided to get a Devon Rex I visited the breeder three times before I decided to buy a kitten. The breeder had two litters of four kittens available and an adult female spay. I sat down on the floor with each litter for about an hour. First litter not one kitten approached me, second litter two white kitten--one male the other female--kept coming into my lap and then dashing off to play, the other two weren't interested. On the next visit, same thing, and on the third visit, only the female was still interested to sit on my lap, so that was how I got "Alkee". And I really didn't want a white cat, as I prefer color. She turned out to be a really sweet "heart" cat who unfortunately passed on in her 12th year. I didn't do the same with Zuba as I wanted a cat friend for Alkee. He's never been really bonded to me like Alkee was, but is to my husband. With Fitty, he chose me, and as I type this he's sitting behind me, begs often to be lifted up for cuddles and kisses, and is very sucky and affection to me, but not to my hubby. Over the many years of breeding cats, I found that people had the most success if the cat chose the owner. What causes a cat to choose a particular person is a mystery.....perhaps the person's personal odor, energy field, voice, actions, touch, vibe? Still pondering the answer after all these years, but I've seen it happen where a cantankerous cat didn't like the owner, but was attracted to someone else like a magnet. I think it happens with other animals as well....dogs and horses can all have their favorite people. So, something to think about whether your kitty is attracted to you or was it really your grandmother? I still think he has potential....just a very busy kitty.
 
#12 ·
May I suggest a piece of string.
Part of a cats attraction to its pet human is play.
Kittens like play. Your kitten will associate play with you.
Play is another way to bond with your cat.
Eventually the kitten will get tired and need a lap. Your lap.

Not all cats are attention junkies. Two of my cats are serious attention junkies. Two are not.
It may take time for the kitten's personalty to fully assert itself.
__________________
 
#13 ·
I have three foster kitten with me. I got these three because one in particular was a hisser and biter (and the shelter has associated me with hissing and biting adults). Whenever this kitten hissed at me I inflicted the most horrible punishment imaginable: The endless belly rub of death. A few weeks later he is a lover boy who seeks out attention. You can really alter cat behavior (within certain bounds). I worked with one cat at the shelter who was terrified and scratched. She is always going to be a bossy cat but she does not scratch any more. Another one was terrified all the time of people. Now she loves attention but she remains easily spooked. I should say you can get cats to conform their basic behavior to a better environment.

Cats and vets don't mix well. My dear departed cuddle lady was so frightening at the vet that only one assistant would deal with her. I had to take her in on a day with she was working. Once at the vet she slashed me such that I had never bled so much in my life.

My current lady also does not mix with the vet. Satan appeared the last time we visited.

I would not measure a cat by vet behavior.
 
#14 ·
BigJim, I like your approach! :) "the endless belly rub of death".

I also had a cat who would make Satan appear at the vet. We all wore tough leather gloves and hoped for the best, trapping him in the back corner of his carrier (which we had to disassemble) with his wire carrier gate. It was grim.

No, we had tried being nice and friendly and firm. That was a Fail. I miss that little guy, he was very special. I agree - measuring a cat by vet behavior is probably unfair to the cat.
 
#15 ·
We recently rescued a feral kitten from our backyard, and since I had rescued two others who turned out to be cuddle bunnies, I thought this one would too!

Wrong! She was aloof and just wanted to do her own thing. Well, she was ours now, so I couldn't just open the door and put her back outside, so I just figured, "I've got a very pretty kitty who just doens't want a lot of attention. Oh, well."

Well, we started playing, and she looooves to play "fetch" - which most of my cats do (WEIRD!). Anyway, she will play fetch anytime of the day or night. She used to come up under my covers at night to try to convince me to play with her. She would also come up under and want to suck my fingers and knead, like she was a kitten and wanted a mama's love. She continues that till today!

At first she would just suck my fingers till she was contented and then just went away. I didn't push for more. She really didn't even like to be petted. If I went up to her and petted her while she was sleeping, she would wake up abruptly and run away! That was hard, cause she's so pretty and I wanted a sweet affectionate kitty, but I knew forcing myself on her would only push her further away. But little by little, just by being patient and NOT forcing myself on her, she comes around a lot more now! She still likes to suck on my fingers, and also lets me pet her while she's doing that. So, I started associating petting with her comfort of sucking and purring....so now she will let me go up to her and pet her - a lot more! She will even let me pet her while she's sleeping, and she doesn't wake up and run away anymore.

The point of this post is to say to you that you've got to be patient. A young kitten has a lot to learn about how things "work" in your household. Also, she needs to learn how much she can trust you and what your relationship is going to be. It has taken us about 8 months to get to this point, but now she comes up onto the bed when I wake up in the morning (I'll often find toys in the bed, which tells me she tried to wake me up and play in the middle of the night!), and she'll cuddle and purr while I pet her, smoothing her very long hairs around her ears (I think she's part Maine ****), and rubbing her head and sides. I still can't touch her belly, but we'll get there!
 
#16 ·
@ Catloverami You are so right about the connection! I have two cats, both rescues. My male orange tabby is like a little piece of candy. Always follow me around at home, jumping on the bed when I'm there, jumping on my lap when I seat on the sofa, head bumping me, licking my fingers. Super affectionate and cuddly.

My female white cat though is a different story. She is NOT a lap cat. She ask to be petted but she never returns the affection... not to me anyway. I discovered that she kneads my mom and lay down in her bed when she is there. She is definitely less affectionate than the other cat even though she likes to be sometimes close to me. It's her personality. On the other hand, she is much more playful and has spurts of activity that last longer than the other cat. I wouldn't try to change her. There is no explanation as of why she prefers my mom over me. I feed them both, play with them and brush them (on occasion).

Bottom line is that there is personality and also there is the human who the cat prefers. I imagine that with a kitten, bonding should be easier than with an adult cat ( I got them both as adults), but is also personality. There are just cats that are NOT lap cats. However this doesn't seem to be the case with Frankie since she has demonstrated that she can be cuddly.

Try to be patient with her and try to strengthen the bond with you by playing with her, feeding her and brushing her. If after that she prefers your grandmother, you should consider giving Frankie to her.
 
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