Not enough jokes. - Page 14

Layla0710 · 09-13-2011, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marie73

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Ha ha! That was hilarious. I literally LOL'ed.

I can't think of any good ones right now, my brain is fried from studying Biology. I had to disable the part that is humorous and interesting.

Huge · 10-10-2011, 02:38 PM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA The husband picks up a case of Stella (his lager of choice) and puts it in their trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price.'

bkitty · 10-10-2011, 03:40 PM

Cat Haiku - I dn't know who the author is but kudos
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that

Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?

My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.

Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a "term paper"?

Want to trim my claws
Don't even think about it!
My yells will wake the dead

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in the bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp....

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt.

xnatalie · 10-11-2011, 03:38 PM

I LOVE the polish one on the first page.. I'm polish and people always make fun of my familys' last names.......

Q. How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two- one to change it, and one to check for animal ingredients.

**marie73** · 10-23-2011, 08:56 PM

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,
the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?”

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,

“Land mines.”

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

bluemilk · 11-07-2011, 06:28 PM

Why did the cranberry sauce blush? Because he saw the salad dressing.

bluemilk · 11-14-2011, 06:28 PM

What did the nefarious leftover drumstick say after Thanksgiving dinner? 'Drat,foiled again'!

Huge · 11-15-2011, 08:51 AM

Err what?

**marie73** · 01-02-2012, 10:59 PM

A good old Georgia boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?" His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Georgia a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your butt!!"

bluemilk · 02-20-2012, 01:51 PM

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. After he finishes his sandwich he gulps his beer,fires 3 shots into the air,and walks out the door. The patrons say 'what was that all about!' 'Don't you read wildlife books', replies the bartender. 'The panda eats shoots and leaves!'

10-10-2011, 02:38 PM	#132 (permalink)
Huge Premier Cat Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Ganymede, Jupiter. Posts: 8,539	A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA The husband picks up a case of Stella (his lager of choice) and puts it in their trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price.' __________________ hguH Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there.

10-10-2011, 03:40 PM	#133 (permalink)
bkitty Tom Cat Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Pittsburgh, PA Posts: 376	Cat Haiku - I dn't know who the author is but kudos You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. That will show you. You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, elevator butt. The rule for today. Touch my tail, I shred your hand. New rule tomorrow. Grace personified I leap into the window I meant to do that Blur of motion, then- Silence, me, a paper bag What is so funny? My small cardboard box You cannot see me if I Can just hide my head. Terrible battle I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a "term paper"? Want to trim my claws Don't even think about it! My yells will wake the dead I want to be close To you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? Wanna go outside. Oh, no! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! Oh no! Big One has been trapped by newspaper. Cat to the rescue! Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in the bed, then screams! My claws aren't that sharp.... Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much" We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt.

10-23-2011, 08:56 PM	#135 (permalink)
marie73 Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 27,453	Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?” The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.” Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN __________________ Marie, and Always in my heart, my lovely Cinderella, running free at the Bridge. http://www.catforum.com/forum/member...signature2.jpg

11-15-2011, 08:51 AM	#138 (permalink)
Huge Premier Cat Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Ganymede, Jupiter. Posts: 8,539	Err what? __________________ hguH Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there.

01-02-2012, 10:59 PM	#139 (permalink)
marie73 Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 27,453	A good old Georgia boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it." His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house. The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?" His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?" His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Georgia a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your butt!!" __________________ Marie, and Always in my heart, my lovely Cinderella, running free at the Bridge. http://www.catforum.com/forum/member...signature2.jpg

10-11-2011, 03:38 PM	#134 (permalink)
xnatalie Jr. Cat Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Bergen Co, NJ Posts: 43	I LOVE the polish one on the first page.. I'm polish and people always make fun of my familys' last names....... Q. How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Two- one to change it, and one to check for animal ingredients.

11-07-2011, 06:28 PM	#136 (permalink)
bluemilk Cat Addict Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Youngstown,Ohio Posts: 1,860	Why did the cranberry sauce blush? Because he saw the salad dressing.

11-14-2011, 06:28 PM	#137 (permalink)
bluemilk Cat Addict Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Youngstown,Ohio Posts: 1,860	What did the nefarious leftover drumstick say after Thanksgiving dinner? 'Drat,foiled again'!

02-20-2012, 01:51 PM	#140 (permalink)
bluemilk Cat Addict Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Youngstown,Ohio Posts: 1,860	A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. After he finishes his sandwich he gulps his beer,fires 3 shots into the air,and walks out the door. The patrons say 'what was that all about!' 'Don't you read wildlife books', replies the bartender. 'The panda eats shoots and leaves!'

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