Not enough jokes. - Page 9

**marie73** · 03-12-2011, 06:38 AM

Enough to kill two and a half men.

Huge · 03-12-2011, 08:01 AM

Lol!

bluemilk · 03-14-2011, 08:30 PM

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?

Because she ran away from the ball.

**marie73** · 03-14-2011, 08:37 PM

Awwwwww, that's cute!

Clutch · 03-15-2011, 11:47 PM

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the guy's name and asks the man if he could drive him home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to get the drunk moving but he is groggy and quite sloshed. The man helps him to his feet and the drunk falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes the drunk by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. The drunk slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get the drunk positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps the drunk out and the guy falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of the drunk to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as a woman answers the door. "Hi, ma'am, your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home. ""That was nice of you," she says, looking around. . . "But where's his wheelchair? "

Huge · 03-16-2011, 04:49 AM

Lol!

bluemilk · 03-19-2011, 02:21 PM

Jane is fast asleep when her husband John comes crashing in the door at 3:00 a.m.,waking her up. 'What are you doing?' shouts Jane hearing her husband crashing around downstairs. 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the steps!' he replies. 'Just leave it til morning' moans Jane. 'I can't'replies John-'I drank it!'

Goldtanker · 03-19-2011, 03:26 PM

It's a simple test designed to indicate whether people have too much stress in their life.

It's a picture of two dolphins. The two dolphins appear normal when viewed by a stress-free individual. This test is not accurate enough to pick up mild stress levels.

It's quite simple. If there is anything that appears different about the dolphins (ignore the fact of the slight color differences) it is often an indication of potential stress related problems. Differences, if any, may also indicate the source of your stress.

Sit upright and viewing the screen head-on, take a deep breath, breathe out and then scroll down and look directly at it.

If there is anything out of the ordinary then you should consider taking things a little easier…

CataholicsAnonymous · 04-08-2011, 05:54 PM

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND I love this next one!

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine..

Huge · 04-16-2011, 05:23 PM

Possibly the most long winded, surreal and rambling joke I've ever heard, but what an ending. It IS about 5 minutes long, so be warned :p

YouTube - VIDEO- Norm Mcdonald tells the moth joke on Conan

03-12-2011, 06:38 AM	#81 (permalink)
marie73 Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 27,453	How much cocaine did Charlee Sheen actually do? Enough to kill two and a half men. __________________ Marie, and Always in my heart, my lovely Cinderella, running free at the Bridge. http://www.catforum.com/forum/member...signature2.jpg

03-12-2011, 08:01 AM	#82 (permalink)
Huge Premier Cat Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Ganymede, Jupiter. Posts: 8,539	Lol! __________________ hguH Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there.

03-14-2011, 08:37 PM	#84 (permalink)
marie73 Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 27,453	Awwwwww, that's cute! __________________ Marie, and Always in my heart, my lovely Cinderella, running free at the Bridge. http://www.catforum.com/forum/member...signature2.jpg

03-16-2011, 04:49 AM	#86 (permalink)
Huge Premier Cat Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Ganymede, Jupiter. Posts: 8,539	Lol! __________________ hguH Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there.

04-08-2011, 05:54 PM	#89 (permalink)
CataholicsAnonymous Cool Cat Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 1,398	The Importance Of Walking The Importance of Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again . I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. AND I love this next one! Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.. __________________ Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes. =(^.^)= Elsie

03-14-2011, 08:30 PM	#83 (permalink)
bluemilk Cat Addict Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Youngstown,Ohio Posts: 1,860	Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team? Because she ran away from the ball.

03-15-2011, 11:47 PM	#85 (permalink)
Clutch Cat Join Date: May 2010 Location: Ft. Mohave, Arizona Posts: 135	A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the guy's name and asks the man if he could drive him home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to get the drunk moving but he is groggy and quite sloshed. The man helps him to his feet and the drunk falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes the drunk by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. The drunk slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get the drunk positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps the drunk out and the guy falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of the drunk to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as a woman answers the door. "Hi, ma'am, your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home. ""That was nice of you," she says, looking around. . . "But where's his wheelchair? "

03-19-2011, 02:21 PM	#87 (permalink)
bluemilk Cat Addict Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Youngstown,Ohio Posts: 1,860	Jane is fast asleep when her husband John comes crashing in the door at 3:00 a.m.,waking her up. 'What are you doing?' shouts Jane hearing her husband crashing around downstairs. 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the steps!' he replies. 'Just leave it til morning' moans Jane. 'I can't'replies John-'I drank it!'

03-19-2011, 03:26 PM	#88 (permalink)
Goldtanker Tom Cat Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Minnesota Posts: 474	It's a simple test designed to indicate whether people have too much stress in their life. It's a picture of two dolphins. The two dolphins appear normal when viewed by a stress-free individual. This test is not accurate enough to pick up mild stress levels. It's quite simple. If there is anything that appears different about the dolphins (ignore the fact of the slight color differences) it is often an indication of potential stress related problems. Differences, if any, may also indicate the source of your stress. Sit upright and viewing the screen head-on, take a deep breath, breathe out and then scroll down and look directly at it. If there is anything out of the ordinary then you should consider taking things a little easier…

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