Not enough jokes. - Cat Forum : Cat Discussion Forums
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1 of 248 (permalink) Old 06-12-2009, 04:49 AM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,482
Not enough jokes.

This place is sorely devoid of jokes, so here are some. I was sent these by a mate, but had to edit out the ones which might mentally scar little kiddies.

Edited.

************ ********* ********* ********* **

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *****

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

************ ********* ********* *******

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's licence.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

************ ********* ********* ********* ***
Edit

************ ********* ********* ********* *****

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.';
Huge is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 248 (permalink) Old 06-13-2009, 04:50 PM
Premier Cat
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Youngstown,Ohio
Posts: 5,228
Re: Not enough jokes.

A guy was out fishing,having NO luck. He'd fished the shallows,the weeds,used every lure in his tacklebox-not one catch! As he was about to pull his boat to shore,he saw an amazing sight: an old Zen master sat in his boat reeling in fish,after fish,after fish! Although his body was still, his hands were a blur, reeling 'em in. So the guy calls over,"Hey man,that's amazing what's your secret?" Calmly the wizened Roshi responded, "When I catch 1 fish I say to it



'MY MIND IS STRONGER THAN YOUR MIND,MY WILL STRONGER THAN YOUR WILL,WHEN I TOSS YOU BACK YOU WILL RETURN AND BRING 20 OF YOUR BROTHER-FISH WITH YOU!'"


The guy goes "WOW that's really amazing" and when the Zen master pulled into shore with his catch,the guy promptly rowed to his spot. Before long he'd caught a fish. Screwing up his face, marshalling all his concentration,he said to his catch


"MY MIND (splash)
bluemilk is offline  
post #3 of 248 (permalink) Old 06-13-2009, 06:13 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 58
Re: Not enough jokes.

But mature jokes are the best kind!

Do tell.
SuperDanniiiiiiii is offline  
post #4 of 248 (permalink) Old 06-13-2009, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,482
Re: Not enough jokes.

Nah, better not :p
Huge is offline  
post #5 of 248 (permalink) Old 06-14-2009, 01:25 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 58
Re: Not enough jokes.

here are some jokes:


Three guys walk into a bar.

The fourth one ducks.

(lame kinda)
===

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

...

Beer nuts are expensive, while deer nuts are just under a buck!!!
SuperDanniiiiiiii is offline  
post #6 of 248 (permalink) Old 06-14-2009, 01:31 AM
Super Moderator
 
marie73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Southern California
Posts: 30,804
Re: Not enough jokes.

Dear Abby,

I would love to learn more about my family's history and be able to construct a family tree, but resources are limited. What would suggest?

Signed,

Poor in New York



Dear Poor,

Run for office.

Signed,

Abby

Cali, Cinderella, Cleo and Charlee

Always in my heart, my lovely Cinderella, running free at the Bridge.
http://www.catforum.com/forum/member...signature2.jpg
http://www.catforum.com/forum/50-ove...inderella.html
marie73 is offline  
post #7 of 248 (permalink) Old 06-15-2009, 04:55 PM
Premier Cat
 
melysion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 6,800
Re: Not enough jokes.

.

"FIV != PTS"
"SENIOR KITTIZENS ROCK! (between naps)"

Allie and Ridley

Toby - waiting at the rainbow bridge (2002-2011)
melysion is offline  
post #8 of 248 (permalink) Old 06-15-2009, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,482
Re: Not enough jokes.

Nice!

three men (who just happened to be English, Irish and Scottish) were given a job to put up telegraph poles for a month. When the boss asked them how many they did, the Englishman said "I did 2600 poles", the Scotsman said, That's nothing, I did 3400 poles! When the boss asked the Irishman how many he did, he said in a quiet voice "I did 300".... The boss said "how come the other two did 6000 poles between them, yet you only managed 300? The Irishman said "well look how much they left sticking out of the ground!"
Huge is offline  
post #9 of 248 (permalink) Old 07-21-2009, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,482
Re: Not enough jokes.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Rabi, a Priest and an Imam all walk into a bar.

The barman says "What's this? Some kind of joke?"
Huge is offline  
post #10 of 248 (permalink) Old 07-21-2009, 05:32 PM
Tom Cat
 
lilyb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Edinburgh, UK
Posts: 313
Re: Not enough jokes.

Ok....another one

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all working on a building site and every day they sit and eat lunch together.

One day the Englishman says "Ugh - I am so fed up of ham and mustard sandwiches....if my wife ever makes me these again I'll climb up that crane and jump off the top"

The Scotsman says "Ugh - I know what you mean...I am so fed up of haggis sandwiches....if I ever have another one I'll climb up that crane and jump off the top as well"

Finally the Irishman says "Me too!! I am so fed up of Irish stew sandwiches....if I ever have another one I'll climb up that crane and jump off the top as well"

So the next day they are having lunch together and the Englishman opens up his packed lunch and...oh no!! It's ham and mustard sandwiches!! So he climbs up the crane and jumps off.

A similar thing happens with the Scotsman and Irishman!

Anyway.....the day of the funeral comes and the 3 builders' wives are chatting at the wake.

The Englishman's wife said "If only I made a different kind of sandwich he would still be here" and the Scotman's wife nods morosely and agrees "I know....if only I'd been more original...."

The Irishman's wife just shakes her head and says "I have no idea what my husband had for his lunch....he always made his own!"



Edinburgh: Honey
Cambridge: Mocha & Bonnie (cats), Glinka & Sylvie (dogs)
lilyb is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Cat Forum : Cat Discussion Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome