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Old 06-12-2009, 03:49 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Not enough jokes.

This place is sorely devoid of jokes, so here are some. I was sent these by a mate, but had to edit out the ones which might mentally scar little kiddies.

Edited.

************ ********* ********* ********* **

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *****

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

************ ********* ********* *******

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's licence.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

************ ********* ********* ********* ***
Edit

************ ********* ********* ********* *****

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.';
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Old 06-13-2009, 03:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not enough jokes.

A guy was out fishing,having NO luck. He'd fished the shallows,the weeds,used every lure in his tacklebox-not one catch! As he was about to pull his boat to shore,he saw an amazing sight: an old Zen master sat in his boat reeling in fish,after fish,after fish! Although his body was still, his hands were a blur, reeling 'em in. So the guy calls over,"Hey man,that's amazing what's your secret?" Calmly the wizened Roshi responded, "When I catch 1 fish I say to it



'MY MIND IS STRONGER THAN YOUR MIND,MY WILL STRONGER THAN YOUR WILL,WHEN I TOSS YOU BACK YOU WILL RETURN AND BRING 20 OF YOUR BROTHER-FISH WITH YOU!'"


The guy goes "WOW that's really amazing" and when the Zen master pulled into shore with his catch,the guy promptly rowed to his spot. Before long he'd caught a fish. Screwing up his face, marshalling all his concentration,he said to his catch


"MY MIND (splash)
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Old 06-13-2009, 05:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not enough jokes.

But mature jokes are the best kind!

Do tell.
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Old 06-13-2009, 06:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not enough jokes.

Nah, better not :p
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Old 06-14-2009, 12:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not enough jokes.

here are some jokes:


Three guys walk into a bar.

The fourth one ducks.

(lame kinda)
===

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

...

Beer nuts are expensive, while deer nuts are just under a buck!!!
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Old 06-14-2009, 12:31 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not enough jokes.

Dear Abby,

I would love to learn more about my family's history and be able to construct a family tree, but resources are limited. What would suggest?

Signed,

Poor in New York



Dear Poor,

Run for office.

Signed,

Abby
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Old 06-15-2009, 03:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not enough jokes.

.
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Old 06-15-2009, 04:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not enough jokes.

Nice!

three men (who just happened to be English, Irish and Scottish) were given a job to put up telegraph poles for a month. When the boss asked them how many they did, the Englishman said "I did 2600 poles", the Scotsman said, That's nothing, I did 3400 poles! When the boss asked the Irishman how many he did, he said in a quiet voice "I did 300".... The boss said "how come the other two did 6000 poles between them, yet you only managed 300? The Irishman said "well look how much they left sticking out of the ground!"
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Old 07-21-2009, 02:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not enough jokes.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Rabi, a Priest and an Imam all walk into a bar.

The barman says "What's this? Some kind of joke?"
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Old 07-21-2009, 04:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not enough jokes.

Ok....another one

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all working on a building site and every day they sit and eat lunch together.

One day the Englishman says "Ugh - I am so fed up of ham and mustard sandwiches....if my wife ever makes me these again I'll climb up that crane and jump off the top"

The Scotsman says "Ugh - I know what you mean...I am so fed up of haggis sandwiches....if I ever have another one I'll climb up that crane and jump off the top as well"

Finally the Irishman says "Me too!! I am so fed up of Irish stew sandwiches....if I ever have another one I'll climb up that crane and jump off the top as well"

So the next day they are having lunch together and the Englishman opens up his packed lunch and...oh no!! It's ham and mustard sandwiches!! So he climbs up the crane and jumps off.

A similar thing happens with the Scotsman and Irishman!

Anyway.....the day of the funeral comes and the 3 builders' wives are chatting at the wake.

The Englishman's wife said "If only I made a different kind of sandwich he would still be here" and the Scotman's wife nods morosely and agrees "I know....if only I'd been more original...."

The Irishman's wife just shakes her head and says "I have no idea what my husband had for his lunch....he always made his own!"
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