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Old 09-08-2009, 10:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

Although things may have improved recently in the social department, I'm still far from happy and, although I am loathe to admit it, I know its because I don't have that 'special someone' that everyone around me seems to have.

Out of the last two 'potential suitors' - one admitted he liked me but wasn't prepared to leave his long term relationship and the other 'liked me but not enough'. The first I think I've gotten over, the second absolutely not. I still see both on a regular basis, which doesn't always make life particularly easy, particularly in regards to the second guy.

I'd like to think I'm not really 'missing anything' but I'm pretty sure that I am by not having that 'special someone'. Indeed, I haven't had a boyfriend in a very long time (over 10 years). The only people that tend to like me (apart from the first guy mentioned above) have been complete and utter losers that no self-respecting person would touch with a ten foot pole. But seeing as I've not had someone in over 10 years, perhaps I fit that category as well.

My situation is not helped, I'm sure, by my dislike of nightclubs (cattle markets) and online dating (sorry, I know it works for some - but I just don't like it).

Its not that I don't get along with men - nearly all my friends are male. And although Roller Derby is fun, well I'm hardly likely to get a partner there!

So, I guess I'm just feeling a bit grumbly because although I have progress in the social department, I still don't see how I'm ever going to get 'my man'.

Perhaps one day someone will find me at home, being eaten by a smallish but slightly overweight one-eyed ginger and white tabby tom cat, Bridget Jones style. Mind you, even she got her man eventually.

Grump.

As always, all thoughts appreciated. I suspect I could do with a kick up the rear. Anyone want to do the honours?
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Old 09-08-2009, 12:13 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

You'll get no kicking from me. As a matter of fact, I'd even go one further. All these people (usually women) who say you shouldn't need a man to be happy, you've got to love yourself first, and other platitudes are full of it. They also tend to be the ones who are already coupled off.

I think it's just a fact of life that almost everyone has an interest and urge to be coupled off in this coupled-off society we live in, and for both practical and companionship reasons it's a completely natural thing to want that person of your own. I can't imagine a more natural and understandable feeling to have, and any effort to make you feel that you should be able to overcome that is just dismissive. There, how's that.

I've been single most of my adult life, so I understand completely. I used to say to myself -- sooner or later there will be the "next one." This is true for you too, as long as you're willing to let it happen. And when that next one comes along and you're all happy and giddy in love/lust, ask yourself if the waiting for that person was worth it. The answer will be yes.
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Old 09-08-2009, 01:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by October
You'll get no kicking from me. As a matter of fact, I'd even go one further. All these people (usually women) who say you shouldn't need a man to be happy, you've got to love yourself first, and other platitudes are full of it. They also tend to be the ones who are already coupled off.
I guess so. And I know a fair few women with serious self esteem issues that have long term partners. My flatmates girlfriend being one of them!

And if there is one group of people I cant bear is those 'smug married women' full of useless advice for us 'left on the shelf'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by October
I've been single most of my adult life, so I understand completely. I used to say to myself -- sooner or later there will be the "next one." This is true for you too, as long as you're willing to let it happen. And when that next one comes along and you're all happy and giddy in love/lust, ask yourself if the waiting for that person was worth it. The answer will be yes.
Its been over ten years though. And its not as if I haven't approached people in recent years. Admittedly, I think after my last experience I mentally took myself out of the 'dating game' for a while and sidestepped someone at work as a consequence (I took the initiative for the first time ever and it was an absolute disaster). That someone at work looked elsewhere and now has a girlfriend and so is out of the picture. My biggest barrier now I think is probably my age. Men tend to want younger women, but I have no intention of dating a man in his 50's! There are times when I feel that 'dating is what other people do' and doesn't seem to ever be on the cards for me. And its not as if theres any obvious superficial reason - I have a decent job, am of high intelligence and am relatively attractive (and look a good ten years younger than my real age). So, I guess it must be my personality thats at fault. Gawd only knows how I'm supposed to fix that.

Anyway .. I'll stop whinging. Self-pity is a particularly unattractive trait and gets one nowhere.
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Old 09-08-2009, 01:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by melysion
And if there is one group of people I cant bear is those 'smug married women' full of useless advice for us 'left on the shelf'.
I'm one of those... Well, hopefully not the smug part...

I did NOT have good luck dating. The men I chose all had huge flaws that ultimately spelled disaster but like a love-struck girly, I mooned over them and refused to see until my heart was broken. It wasn't until I finally GAVE UP on finding Mr. Right. ...and my husband had also GIVEN UP on finding Ms. Right at the same time... that we found each other. I really have to say that because we weren't *looking*, we were able to *see* each other. I guess, it just happens when it happens...when all of the conditions are right? I don't really know.

As far as the other platitudes; be happy within yourself and don't need a man to be happy and gotta like/love yourself first....I believe there is some truth there. Only you can make yourself happy and you do need to be happy and confident with yourself in order to project that persona for other people to see. It's like the difference in what you attract to you; between being a cautious Charlie Brown or a fun-loving Snoopy...though I'd prefer to fall more middle-of-the-road.

Come visit me for a week or two and I'll get you out there and talking to people!
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Old 09-08-2009, 02:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

I know people are well-intentioned when they say those things, but to me it just misses the mark. To imply that a woman needs to work on herself in order to resist wanting what everyone else wants too, just seems kind of harsh. To want romance and companionship in your life, how normal is that???

Heidi, I do agree with you about having confidence. Men value confidence in themselves and other men, so they naturally respond to women who seem confident.

Ally, I'd be sitting here today in your exact boat if it weren't for online personals. Are you sure you couldn't stomach a little of that? A little stomaching goes a long way.
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Old 09-08-2009, 02:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

I've been happily single (by choice) since 1997 and don't much care. There is not a single aspect of a relationship with anyone that makes it worth all of the bull****. I'm independent, self sufficient and do what ever I want, when I want.

As a wise friend once told me...

"I don't know what I thought I was missing, but I wish I was missing it again."
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Old 09-08-2009, 03:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by October
I know people are well-intentioned when they say those things, but to me it just misses the mark. To imply that a woman needs to work on herself in order to resist wanting what everyone else wants too, just seems kind of harsh.
To want romance and companionship in your life, how normal is that???
I agree. I think it *is* normal to want to pair-up. Everyone needs someone and I don't think anyone should have to work towards something so diametrically opposed (single-ness) to what our own natural instincts are driving us towards. It is *perfectly* normal. However, it takes all kinds of people to make the world go 'round...and some are gonna want to be loners and some are going to be very social, with most falling somewhere in the middle.

I have a recently divorced friend who was dating and has recently begun dating one man exclusively...and he is making noises about wanting to move in with her. (she owns her own home and has a good job) She is resisting it with almost every fiber of her being. She *just* got rid of a husband and she *just* got her teen son out of her home and into college. She *likes* having her home all to herself with only herself to be responsible for.
Her biggest argument is; if he moves in with me, his life gets easier and my life gets harder.
Right now, she just isn't ready to give up her lack of responsibility in having to physically care for another person. She's had almost 20yrs of caring for other people and right now, she wants to be selfish and only worry about herself. Completely understandable. Also completely understandable...is wanting someone in your life to share *everything* with.
Everyone has different wants/needs, I have to believe *it* [it being whatever it is we want] is out there...otherwise, what are we living for?
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Old 09-08-2009, 03:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

You're right, there are all types out there. In your friend's case, it sounds like a monumental case of bad timing. If he had met her in 2 years instead of now, she might be the one "making noises" (I love that) about living together or getting married. That's kind of subsection B to my aforementioned theory, which is that while 99 out of 100 people want to pair up, the 1% that doesn't is mostly made up of people for whom it's just bad timing.
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Old 09-08-2009, 04:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

I was in the same situation as Heidi when I met my hubby - we had both given up on finding exactly the right person and then we happened to end up in the car together during one of our car club's events, and the ensuing conversation led us to where we are today, about to celebrate our third wedding anniversary. I really do believe good things happen when we're least expecting them and your Mr. Right will come around the corner out of nowhere. (Heck, the first time I actually talked to my husband I was sunburned, covered in sweat and bits of shredded tires, and cursing a blue streak, but that didn't scare him away!)

I know I would be lonely if I wasn't attached, but I know I would drive myself nuts if I focused on trying to find a guy. I would have stronger relationships with my female friends, and I would be keeping an eye out for cute guys when out with the girls, and I'd be reading a lot of good books in the evenings! I'm not sure that there's any good way to hunt down a guy, but I think if you focus on enjoying yourself and making the best of what you do have (one totally adorable kitty!) you'll be pleasantly surprised when your future guy shows up to ask you out!
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Old 09-08-2009, 04:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: feeling out of sorts - pointless rant.

I'm ok with being single, but I'm not foolish enough to say I'd not want a lady in my life. Even knowing what they can get up to (yeah men can be the same, but I'm always going to point out that women do horrible things too).
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