Is there anything more painful then making "The Descision"?

[cooncatbob]

It been over a month since my Beloved Samantha was discover lying in the middle of my bedroom floor in great distress.
I rushed her to the Vet where they felt a mass in her belly.
Ultra sound showed tumor around her spleen and in her intestines and a biopsy showed this to be a cancer that wouldn't respond to chemo therapy, only extensive surgery and at 16 years old no hope for anything more then a little more time.
My beloved friend had aged over night, my once vibrant Princess was old and enfeebled.
I was crushed, her whole life I could not deny her anything, I absolutely adored her and couldn't bear to see her in pain.
I would have gladly have changed places with her and endured the pain and illness and gone to the other side in exchange for her life.
But instead I had to let her go and end her pain and her life and now I'm haunted by grief and pain.
All her life I wanted what was best for her, her happiness was my joy.
I feel like I was a bad Papa and let her down, I didn't want to play God, I was powerless to save her, all I could do was hold her and tell her how much I loved her while she died in my arms.
It's a terrible and beautiful thing to have a loved one die in your arms.
I have chosen Tears, I don't know if I could bear to go through it again, it's every pet lovers worst fear and nightmare.

[catloverami]

It is one of life's most devastating moments that's for sure and have gone through it many times and it never gets easier. You loved her very much to the extent you did not want to see her suffer any more and that is the best gift you gave to her, so please don't feel guilty. You did what was best for Samantha. No love is ever lost and I do believe that we will see our beloved pets again when we all must depart from this earth plane.

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; unless my pets are there to welcome me." ~ Unknown

[Miss Callie Kitty]

Oh my friend...what you did was so absolutely unselfish you are anything but a bad pappa.

A bad pappa would have had the operation out of personal selfishness just to keep the cat and not face suffering the grief....you gave her the greatest gift as catloverami mentioned...the gift of peace free of pain

You are suffering for her release.....that is the greatest thing one can do for their pet....not think of themself first but thier loved one instead.

[cooncatbob]

Thanks for the kind words.
The void our small ones leave behind is just enormous, I think those of use who live alone with just our pets have some much more contact with them then with other people, and they are always there for us.
In our relationship with our fellow human being there's always a hidden agenda and expectations.
Out little one are devoted to us alone, they're our special friends, they love us even if we're unworthy of their love.
For me the worst thing is when I come home, Samantha would always be there at the kitchen widow I'd see her as I'd pull into the driveway, as I got out of my car she'd disappear from the window and I'd hear her friendly chirp greeting me as I unlocked the door.
No matter how hard my day was it was forgotten as my baby welcomed her Papa home.
I'd feed her then get a cold drink and go into the living room where she would soon join me for some pets and play time, Little Chiquita would join in too.
The years passed so much faster for her, until that last terrible day she never looked old to me, many dogs get gray in the muzzle but Samantha looked the same her whole adult life.
What hurts is the suddenness of it all there was no sharp decline in her activity, we spent our normal bedtime together the night before then she wasn't waiting for breakfast she was still sleeping but seem okay, then that afternoon the nightmare began and the choice to say good-bye with love.

[Kohana]

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss.

Like the others said, don't ever think that you did the wrong thing! That was what was best for her because she was clearly suffering(like catlovermami said), and I believe you're actually an amazingly kind and selfless person. I know it was painful to see her suffer(from the tumor) but she's definitely at peace now(again, like the other posters said). She will always have that special place in your heart.

[Greenport ferals]

Originally Posted by cooncatbob

The void our small ones leave behind is just enormous, I think those of use who live alone with just our pets have much more contact with them then with other people, and they are always there for us.
In our relationship with our fellow human being there's always a hidden agenda and expectations.

Exactly. I dearly loved my gradnmother, but when she passed away after a long illness I accepted it and did not cry. When my sweet black and white boy Alex died at 18 after a month's illness I broke down, sobbed until I couldn't see out of my eyes and was depressed for months.

[Nan]

It's so hard to lose pets because they so completely depend on us and give us that unconditional love. It's hard to rationalize the best you can do is to let her go...but that was the kindest thing to do.

Tomorrow will be the anniversary of when I had to put my Sophie to sleep.(a year ago) I felt a lot of grief as you are now. It was still hard at about the 3-month mark when I seriously started to look for new cats.

I bought a book (kindle book but maybe your library has it) The loss of a Pet by William Sife. Reading this or a similar book might help you to work through your grief.

[Meezer_lover]

I absolutely feel your pain, cooncatbob. I still have break downs about Sumo, which happened almost 6 months ago. His death was sudden, so sudden that we couldn't get test results back in time. I still struggle almost every day with the "what if's".

[my4kitties]

One thing I hope I NEVER have to see again is one of my cats going into cardiac arrest. It's absolutely horrible and there's nothing you can do. My Smokey went into cardiac arrest on January 14, my son's 19th birthday. While we were singing "Happy Birthday", my Shmoo was under the dining room table going into convulsions. The noises that were coming from him were not normal. I feel sick to this day that we didn't get him to the emergency vet sooner, though I don't know if it would have helped. He was severely anemic and he was also FIV/FeLV+. The drive to the e-vet only took 10 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. The whole time, I had tears in my eyes. He was rushed into a room when we got there. The veterinary nurse came out and told me that the e-vet said Smokey was in full cardiac arrest. She asked me if I wanted to try to save him, or if I wanted to have him put down. I knew the survival rate of a cat going into cardiac arrest wasn't very good and Smokey had not been eating the last two days of his life, so I made the most heart-wrenching decision I have ever had to make. I chose to have him put down. He had suffered enough. It was time for my beloved baby to be at peace. I told the vet nurse to tell the vet to put him to sleep. The tears that had only been brimming, were now falling freely. The vet nurse let me see him after he was gone, and I said my good byes. I kissed him and stroked him. I told him that I'll never stop loving him. I cradled him in my arms one last time. I laid him back down on the exam table, removed his collar (which I now carry with me in purse), kissed him one last time, and left. I was absolutely inconsolable for about a week or two. I cried at the drop of a hat. Then here on Cat Forum, four or five other cats and one dog died right after Smokey. I honestly thought I had jinxed CF and CF members. I felt terrible. Yeah, I know it's silly, but I really did think Smokey and I had somehow jinxed the forum.

[its.alice]

Oh my4kitties, your story put me in tears. I wish there was some way we could keep our little ones with us(physically) forever.


(As I was crying, and tears were rolling down my face, Alice got on my lap and started licking the tears away. I love my kitten.)