Letter from the Dog - Cat Forum : Cat Discussion Forums
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
 
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Letter from the Dog

To: Master of the house
From: Dog
Subject: Cat

The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call, and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It is time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling.

You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner, your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once - ever - failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab--and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what is important?

Then there is playtime. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This cannot be sanitary.

And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture plus my nose.

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who feels the cat is an evil person. Here is a note from the hamster:

To: Master of the house
From: Hamster
Subject: Cat

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed,
Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently, it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality TV show.

I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time!

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I will be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin... I'm sorry I've got to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the number-one pet.

Yours truly,
The Dog

[Reprinted with permission from another forum]
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 03:51 PM
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ha, ha, he, he, ho, ho!!!!!!! absolutely hilarious!!!!!!!

Tim
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 03:54 PM
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memo

TO: DOG
FROM: MASTER

DOWN, BOY!!!!!
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 03:56 PM
 
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Hillarious!
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 04:31 PM
 
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Sooo funny!
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 06:05 PM
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That is sooooooo funny!

*~*~*Megan*~*~
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
 
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Letter from the Cat

When I asked permission to post this on another forum I also made up a reply letter as follows:

To: Those People I Own
From: The Cat
Re: The Dog -- Supplemental

It has come to my attention that the dog has contacted you regarding the termination of our ownership agreement. I have reviewed this document and find it to be scandalously inaccurate and possibly of a litigious nature.

I don't think I need to remind you what the dog did to your favorite pair of sneakers last month do I?

Simply because I do not choose to be a glutton and scarf down every scrap of food as quickly as it is placed in front of my face is no reason for the dog to feel free to eat from MY dish. I do not attempt to eat from his dish (not that he ever leaves anything anyway) and I believe I should be given the same courtesy.

As regards to the hamster...I believe this letter to be a blatant attempt at forgery. I have spoken to the hamster and as you can see from the attached note he is completely on my side in this matter:

To: Master of the House
From: Hamster
Subject: Cat

Uhmm...yeah...I love the cat. The cat is great. I never gave a note to the dog. Uhmm...the cat is great.

elp-Hay the at-cay is going to ill-kay me. PLEASE elp-hay quickly!

What, that, oh...it's uh Latin...loosely translated it means "Cats Rule".

Signed
Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels (ELP-HAY!)

As you can see the dog can not be trusted. How can we trust any animal that enjoys rolling around in mud and sniffing behinds. I'm not even going to get in to the way he humps your leg!

On a side note I do not know what happened to the fish. He was in his bowl last night and he is nowhere to be found today. I have seen the way you have been looking at me and I believe this may be an attempt to frame me by the dog...or possibly the fish left town to go to Hollywood. In any case the dog can not be trusted.

I understand that the dog has been a long time, if inferior, companion to you and unlike some animals I could mention I would never dream of telling you that we should get rid of him.

I believe a very suitable alternative would be to permanently relocate him outside the domicile. While this arrangement would certainly benefit me I am not making this suggestion only on my own behalf. As any good owner should I am thinking of the welfare of all the pets I own. Think of the freedom of not having to take the dog outside to urinate and defecate. Think of the countless items that would now be safe (remember the sneakers?).

This is in no way a cruel suggestion. Dogs enjoy being outside. I direct your attention to this catalog of "dog houses". A "dog house" in conjunction with a sturdy rope would be mutually beneficial to all concerned. Please waste no time in taking care of this matter.

Yours truly,
The Cat

PS If the fish did skip town to go to Hollywood I wouldn't be at all surprised if the hamster decided to join him as these two were always secretly in cahoots. Just a friendly warning should the hamster turn up missing some morning.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 06:51 PM
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haha that's just TOO funny!!

<--Julia

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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 07:03 PM
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this is just great!! I was thinking about making up a memo from the cat, but this far outdoes anything I would have come up with. hilarious!!

Tim
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-04-2005, 11:13 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timskitties
this is just great!! I was thinking about making up a memo from the cat, but this far outdoes anything I would have come up with. hilarious!!

Tim
Thanks! I really didn't find making a "letter from the cat" in the same tone as the "letter from the dog" very difficult but my hat is off to the person that originally made "letter from the dog". Coming up with the idea in the first place is the real genius!
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