Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: South Wales, UK
The second epistle of Sheba to the Shelter
The second epistle of Sheba to the Shelter
Greetings once more.
I felt it was time to update you on life here in our homestead – the Queendom.
We are now what the servants call “fully integrated”. Personally, I don’t think we had ever shown any signs of having disintegrated.
This means that we are no longer confined in our room when the servants go out or over-night. As a result we have discovered some very interesting facts about the servants. When they sit down, their back legs (the ones they usually walk on) fold up into a shelf like formation that might have been designed for cats to sit on. They are called “laps” but they have nothing to do with drinking.
They are a perfect location for a bit of genteel finger nibbling. I have acquired the knack of clinging onto laps with such tenacity that the servants sometimes refer to me as the Velcro cat. Being dainty cats, we can even manage to fit on a lap that is also being occupied by a computer. This is very handy when I want to type something in comfort. Sometimes the idiot giant (who is called Baz) tries to do the same thing. It results in the servant with the computer on her lap having to stretch and contort her appendages in a way more fitting for a constipated octopus.
Jemima (the heir apparent ) says that every royal family is obliged to have an idiot. Humans usually send them into the army or the church or lock them up in a garret. My friend Lottie (the gardener with a syndrome) says that there are average idiots and then there’s Baz. She doesn’t think there is any army or church in the world so desperate that they’d take him. She votes for the garret and thinks the twins could join him there for company. I am inclined to agree at least as far as the twins are concerned especially Tabitha (the twin with “unfortunate habits”) who has been known to wee on our bed.
I hate to admit it but I am developing a soft spot for the giant idiot. He is very good in the washing and being washed stakes. There is a downside, however. The male twin (Zac) is inclined to take him as a role model and now Jacob is starting to join in. Of course he doesn’t do anything as undignified as jumping on other felines but he is starting to sit with them and join in the alien speaking lessons. It may be noteworthy that not a single female in the house shows any tendency to join in.
The servants have tried to reassure me by telling me they are rehearsing to be the next really big boy band and that they sing far better than most of the people who audition on X Factor. It is not reassuring – my son is not going on tour anywhere. I worry when he goes as far as the utility room – I couldn’t cope with further.
We have now had contact with the Great Mother – the ruler of the domain. As you know, I am not colourist but I was shocked to discover that she is ginger – very ginger (albeit with white patches, stripes and a ringed tail that would be the envy of any lemur). It just came as a slight shock in such a mono-chrome household. There are four of us who are black and white, one who is white and black, two completely black and Becky who, being a witch, has gone for white roots with black tips and a faint stripy effect.
Prior to this time, I thought there was no mother more scrupulous than myself in matters of checking ears and bottoms. I realise that there are an awful lot of bottoms to check for cleanliness but the Great Mother does sometimes lose count and checks the same one several times. I greatly admire her handling of the giant idiot when he becomes too demanding of her attention – she gently raises one paw with no claws showing, utters a soft hiss and he backs off instantly. On the odd occasions he goes out (as I mentioned under servant supervision) she hovers on the fence or wall keeping him under constant observation – it shows she is a very intelligent lady, the world is not yet ready for that degree of idiocy to be unleashed.
Before I end, I must tell you about my other great discoveries! BEDS and RADIATORS. Although of dainty proportions, I am capable of stretching almost the whole length of a radiator although I do sometimes have to share – at a pinch it is possible to fit four cats on one radiator as long as the giant idiot isn’t involved and as long as no-one objects to be laid on by their nearest neighbour. I was sleeping so solidly on the radiator the other day that one of the servants thought I was dead, causing the other servant to leap up emitting a very strange yowl and projecting Baz (the idiot) off her lap and practically up to the ceiling. Fairly obviously I was not actually dead.
At night, I generally share a bed and a servant with Baz (the idiot). He is roughly 49 times larger than me but I am better at wriggling and get prime position. Sometimes we sleep so closely together the servant thinks we look like some strange variety of eight legged feline.
Well, enough for now. Good luck with the Open Day.