The Fourth Epistle of Sheba - Cat Forum : Cat Discussion Forums
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2015, 07:56 AM Thread Starter
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The Fourth Epistle of Sheba

The Fourth Epistle of Sheba

I have decided that Jacob and I like Christmas. I haven’t actually asked his opinion but he’s a good boy and usually waits for me to tell him what to think anyway.

One of the first signs of Christmas was that the room where we used to live (up a very desirable chimney) developed a tree - not a huge oak or anything like that but something perfectly adequate for climbing and scratching. It was merrily festooned with brightly coloured cat toys to be hurled from the branches and chased across the floor. This provided the servants with good exercise as they also went chasing after them and when they caught them (a determined cat could make it last a long while) they hanged them back up ready for the fun to start all over again.

The living room sported a smaller version of the tree. Through the observation of countless experiments, I can confirm that it was not strong enough to support a twin. It was interesting to try to guess which direction Zac and the aforementioned tree would fall in on any given occasion. My personal favourite was the precarious descent into a servant’s coffee cup.

Christmas seems to involve a lot of paper – perhaps for deeply spiritual, symbolic reasons or perhaps because it is good to play with. Firstly there is the opportunity to help the servants wrap the paper around various objects. Pouncing on the paper during the process helps to ensure the servants stay alert. It is wise to avoid the sticky tape used to secure the paper together. You may think that such a warning is unnecessary but you probably don’t live with twins.

On Christmas day itself, the wrapped objects are exchanged for other wrapped objects and there is the opportunity to help rip them open. Best of all is the fact that there is paper on the floor after the unwrapping, to be tossed around and burrowed into. Do not climb into a carrier bag full of ripped off wrapping paper or you might find yourself in the re-cycling if your servants don’t instantly notice that a bag that should be lightweight and full of only paper is actually heavier and weighs about the same as the idiot giant. That was not entirely coincidental as it contained him. Fortunately the servants are very quick to notice such things although they would have had to be very stupid not to realise that they almost needed a forklift truck to lift a bag of paper.

Another pleasing tradition was the arrival of a dead bird that was larger than me. I am glad it was already dead since I think it would have taken all of to bring it down and I’m not altogether sure it didn’t eat cats when it was alive. We could always have pushed a twin at it and watched to see what would happen.

It tasted wonderful – perhaps we shouldn’t have allowed the servants to have a share, especially since the one servant’s son, his mate and their kittens all came to eat some of it as well. I think I could eat turkey every day, although it did cause someone to suffer from wind. We all denied responsibility and it was lucky we had the dog to blame even when she was out of the room. We’d have still blamed her if she had been out of the country.

There were other indulgences – a few Dreamies to delight our taste buds, catnip to roll around in, a feathery thing on a stick to pursue and lots and lots of cuddles. I’m not sure when the servants are planning anther Christmas but I think about three weeks time would be good.

With Christmas over, the servants have been heard whispering that perhaps there is room here for an extra cat so keep a look out for them. You’ll know them because they’ll smell of me. Any of you are welcome to apply for the position but you will have to mix in with the rest of us (Jemima will tell you what role you are to fulfil within the pride as she is the high ruler in the absence of the Great Mother), you will have to tolerate our dog (and her tongue) and we will expect you to be relatively kind to the servants. Looking forward to meeting (or re-meeting) the successful applicant – we are letting the servants do the interviewing of the short-list. I will let you know the outcome.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2015, 08:03 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by spirite View Post
I was really trying to figure out who was who and thought I had everything figured out, but somehow I missed that Princess was the Great Mother!
Sheba - the authoress
Jacob - her son
Baz -the giant idiot
Lotttie - the aging horticulturalist and philosopher
Jemima - the new high ruler of the Queendom
Becky - the witch, court magician and other magical stuff
Zac - a male twin
Tabitha - a female twin
And soon to be introduced - Eve (formerly also a Jemima)

Not to mention Sadie - the royal dog.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2015, 12:44 PM
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This. Is. AWESOME!

Sara, Munch (deaf Domestic Shorthair),
Oliver (hearing Irish Terrier X),
Mouse (deaf and vi Mini Dachshund),
Boo (deaf and vi Mini Dachshund),
Kat (partially deaf, and vi Mini Dachshund)
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2015, 12:54 PM
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I have loved all the letters but this last one is my favourite by far.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2015, 01:06 PM
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OMG dying of laughter!! Don't know what part is the funniest, but the twin falling into the coffee cup, and Baz nearly being tossed with the recycling when the bag was heavy enough to warrant a forklift...
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2015, 01:23 PM
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I have to say that you are up there with John Oliver in my personal laughometer.

You have such an original and perceptive mind. Thank you again.
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