Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: South Wales, UK
Eighth Epistle of Sheba
There have been some interesting events in the Queendom lately.
The first concerned a cat carrier. We have several of them – one large enough to carry two cats in comfort or one giant idiot. Personally I think that the servants should purchase a container lorry for the occasions when he needs to be transported – or, if they make them, a tiger carrier might be useful.
One of the carriers is normally kept on the landing where it serves as a bed for those occasions when one of the rest of us want to sleep without the danger of being run into by a manic twin.
The appearance of a carrier downstairs usually means one of three things:
1. Someone has to go to the vet. At the faintest possibility that it might be her, Tabitha disappears at a speed that would leave a cheetah panting. Becky on the other hand, fights both servants until they are panting and then only enters backwards whilst hissing curses. It is easy to get the giant idiot in – a few cat biscuits and he loses the little sense he has.
2. We are about to get a new family member. A clear sign of this is either a new blanket or an old one that has been pre-scented by the cat who is about to join us.
3. It is disappearing for a short while and will return smelling of a small dog. We have never seen this dog and we don’t really know why it keeps going in our carrier. Our dog cannot get more than her head inside so something must have happened to make this other dog shrink.
On this occasion it and the servants disappeared for several hours and when they returned, it was put out in the garden instead of being returned to its rightful place. One servant seemed to be washing the carrier and one seemed to be gingerly taking the blanket to the washing machine. We were not sure what was happening.
When the carrier was returned indoors we were obliged to investigate. As a result of our investigations I can categorically state that it is impossible for nine cats to fit in the same carrier simultaneously so we had to take it in turns to investigate the interior or the exterior.
Under the overpowering scent of disinfectant, was the aroma of a strange cat. There was also the strong suspicion that she had vomited in our carrier. It is very bad manners to visit someone else’s carrier in order to be sick in it.
There was a brief suspicion that the servants had gone mad and were kidnapping cats in order to release them in our garden but it turned out that they had actually delivered this cat from the Hotel where we all came from to someone else’s house for them. I hope they were paid suitably for being taxi drivers for a travel sick feline – a thousand cans of tuna sounds reasonable.
The other interesting event was what is called a “birthday”. These are not as good as a Christmas but they have a lot of merits. They are a celebration where one servant buys the other servant presents which are ultimately for us which is a very nice custom.
On this occasion we were the recipients of a leopard spotted cat tower with lots of scratching posts, areas for lying down, a dangly ball and two things to hit that look like fur covered alien antennae and spring back quite dramatically. If you are really lucky you can see a twin being hit on the nose by one of them.
We now also have an equally spotty pyramid in which to curl up. The rest of us don’t have any problems but the giant idiot makes it turn upside down every time he gets in. If he had been an ancient Egyptian architect, heaven only knows what shape their pyramids would have ended up.
The royal dog has acquired a new hollow rubber ball that food can be put inside. Since she eats more quickly than...... than...... actually there isn’t ANYTHING that eats more quickly than our dog, it is a good idea. Otherwise she has ambitions to eat our food. She also has ambitions to eat the servants’ food, horse droppings, pea pods and the variety of litter that the servants no longer use.
That is all I have time for at present. I have some ears to wash and they aren’t going to clean themselves.