Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: South Wales, UK
The ninth epistle of sheba
I thought you might be interested in the research I have been doing into the noises that servants make.
Their chattering can be easily understood by any feline who is prepared to put a bit of effort into it. Even the giant idiot understands some words – “food” can bring him from any corner of the house in approximately half a second.
The word “Baz” (the giant idiot’s name) can be said in different ways to have a multiplicity of meanings including:
“Get out of the cupboard!”
“Don’t stick your nose on the fire!”
“Why are you standing in the sink?”
“Aw, bless him!”
You may never have heard the words, “You evil cat!”. That is because they are only ever addressed to twins. If you don’t have twins, your servants have probably never had cause to utter these sounds. Normally these noises mean that a twin has done something unmentionable.
“No!” You can probably not believe that such well trained servants could utter such a word to a cat but it isn’t anything to worry about as it is normally said only to twins and giant idiots. It is sometimes said to cats who are trying to escape without permission. I don’t really understand the desire to escape to the wild outdoors (unless you are a gardener like Lottie). What does a garden have that could compete with a radiator, a blanket or a servant’s lap?
There is one word that fills all sensible (and not so sensible) felines with dread. It is “vet”. Vets bare a superficial resemblance to servants in that they walk on their back legs and cover their bodies with clothing but it is really a cunning disguise for a breed of psychopaths who have fooled servants into believing they know what is good for animals. They do unspeakable things such as stick pins in animals and have even been known to push smooth glass objects into unsuspecting bottoms!!! Then they wonder why heart rates are raised! I would imagine if some giant feline crept up behind them and did the same to them, it would make their hearts pound a little!
The waiting room is another area of trepidation in which animals that would normally either play with each other or do the prey / predator bit, instead sit in mutual apprehension. And some of the creatures aren’t even recognisable.
The dog claims that she was once terrified by the site of a huge creature emerging from the consulting rooms. It had a head and legs and could move but they were joined together by what appeared to be a giant soldier’s helmet. The servants say it was a tortoise but I don’t believe it existed. The vet had probably given the dog a hallucinogenic drug.
Sometimes vets give the servants things to bring home with them. The wet drops that go between our shoulder blades are bearable and I am sure the servants have great fun hiding tablets in delicacies that we eat while carefully leaving the tablets for the servants to play with again. Once, the twins had to have ear drops. This involved them being swathed in towels like badly wrapped Egyptian mummies and held by one servant while the other administered the drops, held the ear to stop immediate head shaking and massaged the base of the ear prior to the twin being released and the process repeated. It is an interesting phenomenon that three ear drops can multiply inside a cat’s head so that when head shaking finally takes place, enough liquid emerges to liberally splatter two servants and several cupboards.
But enough of vets and their evil deeds.
The word “packing” is also not good, especially if accompanied by the appearance of a suitcase as it means that we will have no-one to sleep on that night. My son, Jacob, once nearly got zipped up inside a suitcase when he buried himself under some servants’ clothing.
The servants and the case disappear for a few days and we know that the one servant’s kitten and his pride will be taking care of us. He is inclined to swoop on us and cuddle us mercilessly – which is actually rather pleasant but don’t tell him. If his mate comes to feed us, their cubs have to take the dog into the garden or she eats our food. We run around the mate’s legs a great deal in the knowledge that if we keep her sufficiently confused she will fill more food bowls than there are cats – some she will fill more than once. She says that feeding time here is “interesting” – given that she has four cats of her own, that may be significant.
But back to the topic! As well as actual words there is also a gamut of noises.
Oooofff! This is the noise a servant makes when someone lands on her diaphragm from on top of a wardrobe while she is sleeping. It is an effective way of waking up a servant.
Yow! This is the noise made by a servant who has just has an additional piercing added to her ears by a giant idiot.
Urrrgh – a sound that can be triggered off by a whole variety of things such as hairballs, Lottie vomiting after getting in someone else’s food (you may remember that she can’t eat fish or gravy in packages), over-enthusiastic kicking of solid items out of litter boxes or the dog breaking wind.
There is one servant noise that I have only heard once – a few days ago. A rough approximation is “ERRRRRRFFFF!”
The dog was out for her early morning walk with one servant while the other servant, quite rightly, was doling out pleasant treats in the passage. At this point someone pushed something through the letter box. We all jumped but for some reason, known only to herself, Tabitha decided it was a cat eating monster breaking in – or maybe she thought it was an ASBO arriving with her name on it. At this point the servant was bending forward and Tabitha instead of ricocheting off walls and furniture which is her usual custom, ricocheted off the servant’s face – hence the strange noise.
She then proceeded to run head first into a carrier bag (Tabitha not the servant) and got it caught around her neck by the handle. It is surprising how fast a black twin can run while hampered by a large green carrier bag. It is even more surprising that she can then completely disappear. You would think the bag would be visible even if the twin was not.
After much frenetic searching, aided by the giant idiot (who was no help at all, Tabitha was finally found by the Princess Ruler, my son’s girlfriend and myself. We showed the servant where to look and she managed to free from Tabitha from her improvised necklace. The event obviously had an impact on Tabitha as she remained under the bed, causing no-one any problems for some considerable time. We are now all looking for more carrier bags.
Well that’s enough about servant linguistics for a while. Accept some large purrs from me!