Looking for support
I've stumbled upon this forum trying to search the internet for answers and ways to cope with the decision of euthanizing my cat. My beautiful girl Sasha was two months away from her 16th birthday, and in March, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
We did the surgery to remove the lump, but I was told the form of cancer she had was extremely aggressive and it was already in her lymp nodes. At that point, I decided not to put her through further testings or rounds of medication due to her age and the stress of it all. She was already on medication for her thyroid which she wasn't able to keep down most of the time.
For the most part, she had remained the vibrant cat she always was, but slowly she started loosing weight, thirst increased, her coat was cover led in matts, she stopped using the litter box and she spent most of her time in my closet. In spite of all of these things, she still came to me, sat with me and talked to me like she always did. Her meow sounded more urgent over time and her walk was more tender but she was still herself.
On Friday, I took her to the vet for a shot of morphine to see how she behaved with her pain controlled. That's when the vet told me she wasn't getting any better, she had diabetes because of the cancer and the amount of weight she had lost was the equivalent of an 200lb man loosing 120lbs. She went from 10lbs to 4lbs, she was skin and bones.
I know I was in denial over her health and I was blind to her rapid decline. I was told my cat was ready to go and that I was days away from making this decision. When she got home, all she did was lay around. She didn't want to be touched or held, and couldn't even eat much. I called the vet and arranged to do it Saturday afternoon. The day that has now become the worst day of my life.
That morning she was output socializing and sitting with my two other cats. But she wouldn't let me hold her and didn't sleep with me the previous night. When it was time, she ran from me and hid. It killed me to put her in that carrier and she never fought it. She didn't make a peep when the vet started her IV and that was the first time she had sat still in my lap for weeks. It felt like she gave up.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I keep going over everything in my head and thinking I rushed this decision. Did I give her enough love? Did I do this too quick? Did I give up on her? Did I do everything I could have?
I feel such an overwhelming feeling of guilt and regret, especially since she seemed more active the morning of. I didn't want to see her suffer anymore but part of me wonders if we still could have had a few more good days together.
I just want to know how others have felt in this situation and how you were able to deal with this extreme loss. My best friend is gone and I've never felt so empty and alone. How do you make peace with a decision that you have regretted the moment you made it?