Dear Dogs and Cats
This is a forward sent to me by a friend. Thought I would share it here.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, I mean go someplace else, not roll over or
switch positions with another pet so that there are still two or
more of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note; placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest. This rule also applies to free floating
fur and whiskers.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of other dogs and cats sleeping,
they actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using
bathrooms for years; canine/feline attendance, observation and
critique is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dogs' butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Cats, you may ignore this one!
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
door... Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain
About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids: they eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't
wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
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courtesy of ForJazz