Kitty Ventures Doomed to Fail
Kitty Ventures Doomed to Fail
Just for fun, the folks at the newsgroup rec.pets.cats.anecdotes put
on their thinking caps and came up with a list of jobs and ventures
for cats that would never work because, well, they're cats! Thanks
to writers Bobcat, Bonbon, Joyce, Kreisleriana, Mary, Cheryl
Perkins, Christina Websell, Enfilade and Christopher Young for
sharing their "ventures" with us!
BIRD CATS - There are bird dogs and now bird cats. You take them
hunting with you and when you shoot a bird and it falls, the cat
will go to retrieve it, but instead just sit there and dine. "What?
You didn't get this for me?"
CAT BABYSITTERS - because babies stink often, cry too much, they
don't eliminate in the box, they keep getting perfectly good milk
that the cat could be drinking, and they receive entirely too much
attention. Attention that could be given to the cat.
CAT CHRISTMAS TREE DECORATORS - because cats prefer the stuff to all
be OFF of the tree, where it can be batted about the room
CAT GARDENERS - because th......wait a minute.......CATS make
CAT IRONERS - because ironing cloths is just plain silly.......that
ironing board was set up for the CAT to lay on.
CAT MECHANICS - cars shouldn't run at all, cars are what takes the
CAT to the vets office.
CAT OBEDIENCE SCHOOL - This is not to teach people to follow the
wishes of their kitties, but the reverse. The most obvious pitfall
is that cats will listen to what you tell them to do - and then
ignore it or do the opposite.
CAT OFFICE TEMPS - They run like maniacs to a ringing phone, fax
machine, or printer; but they will not actually *do* anything about
CAT RESCUE TEAMS - Dogs are also trained to hunt for skiers lost or
trapped by avalanches. How about using cats? One of my favourite
cartoons is titled "If Lassie were a cat" gives us a clue. In it
Timmy calls from the bottom of a well, "Lassie, go get help. I'm
trapped here!" Lassie the cat looks down the well and
replies, "Where's my food?" Imagine being Timmy, looking up to the
top of the well, and seeing Lassie-kitty sitting on the edge,
CAT SLEDDING - It's simple, the Inuit have been doing it for
centuries, but with dogs. Why not cats? Because they're cats, that's
why. Try to make them go in a single direction, let alone the one
you have in mind!
CAT SMALL PET SITTING - The cats would watch peoples small pets
while they're away on vacation, especially hamsters, fish and birds.
Of course the visitors would check in but not check out.
CATS WHO LIVE ON A POULTRY FARM - Don't trust them when they
volunteer to look after baby chicks.
CLEANERS/MAIDS - While they *will* wave their tails about like
mobile dusters, and rub the furniture, they will deposit (not
remove) cat hairs, re-distribute dust, and, as a bonus, tidy
cluttered surfaces by ensuring that especially fragile vases or
ornaments end up on the floor instead.
DECORATIVE CAT GROOMING - Self explanatory.
FOOD GUARDING CATS - Never expect your cats to look after your
ham/turkey/chicken salad when you are suddenly called to the
WATCH CATS - A burglar breaks into your house at 3:00am. Your ever-
alert cat wakes and streaks towards the felon - right past him, and
down to the basement litter pan to answer an urgent call of nature.
The burglar goes about his business while you continue sleeping
SMOKEY'S PIZZA DELIVERY - All Pizzas ordered are delivered directly
to Smokey's stomach in ten minutes or less. He also does sandwiches.
TYCHE'S JANITORIAL SERVICE - All floors are licked clean. All vacuum
cleaners are shoved out balconies, or left out for the garbageman.
KUMANI'S EXTERMINATOR - Bugs found and promptly eaten.
NOCTURNE'S CHARITY: ENMITY INTERNATIONAL - Campaigning for the
repeal of human rights.