Whats the best way to deal with this ? a bit long - Cat Forum : Cat Discussion Forums
 
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-27-2008, 10:54 PM Thread Starter
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Whats the best way to deal with this ? a bit long

I have a bit of a situation ....

My 20 yr old son Garth and his Girlfriend Sandy managed to become pregnant ( I have mentioned this before) they had twins and the one twin passed away at 2 days old ....

Of course I had to go to the funeral and Sandy and Sandy's family .

Im still hurt because of the way my MIL treats me , I lost my mom 15 years ago and despite being 35 at the time I still needed a mom .. I think we all do , and she made it very clear that I wasnt good enough for her son and the fact that I was divorced and had 3 children just wasnt good enough for her .. it hurt then and it still does .. because of this I vowed many years ago that I would treat my childrens significant others when the time came with love and respect ....even if i didnt like them personally they were my childrens choice .

Anyhow ....I had in the meantime made friends with Sandy online and we have a lot in common .... when I went to meet her family however I was quite horrified at the way they live ... very poor ... and one can see it .... her sister and other family are only just above the level of white trash .. her mother howver is a lovely woman .. I think its a case of "poverty syndrome" when people are very poor but dont know how to rise above their circumstances ???

Judging either Sandy or her family isnt my responsibility however .. my son loves her .

My son isnt happy living there and he is only 20 with a history of drug problems and he is bipolar .. so I set about getting him properly diagnosed and treated and he is now much better , off the drugs and determined to do right by his tiny family .

Garth BTW is a good kid , very good heart and brutally honest .....

Sandy is a lovely girl and her and I have become very close and she is a girl that was molested and is also trying her dammdest to rise above her circumstances and do the best by her tiny family.

BUT they cant do it in the enviroment they are living in ... and Garth wants to come home .. neither of them earn enough to raise a baby properly and by coming home .... we can help then until they are on their feet ... Garth needs to go back to school .. and Sandy needs the confidence in herself to find a better job.

Garth also needs the support of my hubby ( his stepfather) they are very close and IMO Garth is little more than a child himself.

So I have an idea my family is going to extend soon Sandy in the beginning wasnt interested in leaving her mother .. it has taken me two weeks for her to realise that no one is taken her away from her mom ... her other mom wants to help them , and I dont think she has ever thought about Garth possible earning potential if he simply goes back to school ......

I just dont want it to seem as though im interfering .. they are both so young and honestly need all the help they can get .. Sandy is fiercly independant and stubborn ( we share a bithday) but as straightforward as I am .

We cant really afford to take on these two and baby .. but I dont see we have much choice , not if we want to see them improve their lives and the life of their baby .. because the enviroment they are in now isnt at all ideal.

So..... has anyone been in this situation ??? and how does one handle it.



2 boxers Miki & Monty
Boy Cats: Tucker,Freeway,Tyson,Copicat,Mike
Girl Cats : Magic, Garfield, Buggie,Lexie,Spike,Ginger,Blue,Spooky,Rotten, Trouble
Strays: Charlie
2 Conures,2 African Greys,1 Black winged Jardine
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-27-2008, 11:16 PM
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The closest I've been is helping Hubby's youngest sister.
She flew out here, with the intent that we would help her by giving her a place to stay, meals to eat, a car to use and she could work and save all her money and then decide what she wanted to do (stay in GA or go back to CA) after she'd earned a bit of a nest-egg.
Well, she married her boyfriend a few days before she flew out. Then he came out 2mo later. The sister never did try very hard to find work and at least her husband did find work within 3 days of landing...
...but...
They took horrible advantage of us. I expected them to save their money and get moved out on their own ASAP. Instead, he kept spending his money on 'things'; a $500 Palm Pilot, a $350 Harley Davidson mini-fridge, clothing, going out to the bar in the evenings. They stopped helping around the house.
It finally took me hitting the roof and telling them when I expected them to be out. They were with us for 9mo(Sis) and 7mo(him) before they moved out. I think they could have been out at 3-5mo after he arrived. He wound up getting fired and after almost 3mo of him NOT looking for work and they were about to be evicted from their apartment, he calls and asks if they could come back. We said "No". We bought them each a plane ticket; Sis back to California and him to Florida.

We did not have a good experience and will probably never help family again. Most of our problem was we expected them to be responsible and they weren't. We should have been clear about our expectations. Before you do this, I think it would be best to have the ground-rules understood.

Good luck, I think it is a great thing you will be doing to help them achieve a better life for their little family.
h



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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-27-2008, 11:32 PM Thread Starter
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You make a good point .. if this was my eldest son I wouldnt contemplate it ... Steven although I love him dearly is a user ....he would use and abuse us and take advantage .....

Garth tho has never done that .... he is a funny boy ... as I say brutally honest ... and whenever I put money into their bank account they put it back ...its because he is trying so hard that im prepared to help him.... we have been taken advantage of by his brother many times before ..and im not planning to do it again.

I have already read them both the riot act ... so that they can think very clearly about coming home .....

Garth will work as a gardener to save money for college , and if he doesnt like it its too bad .

2 boxers Miki & Monty
Boy Cats: Tucker,Freeway,Tyson,Copicat,Mike
Girl Cats : Magic, Garfield, Buggie,Lexie,Spike,Ginger,Blue,Spooky,Rotten, Trouble
Strays: Charlie
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-28-2008, 12:21 AM
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It sounds like Garth has his family (wife, baby, and your and Hubby's help) to motivate him. My Hubby's sis was 37 when she came out for us to help her. At that age, I sorta think a person is beyond help, unless they really want to change their life. I did not get that impression from her.
She flew back to CA last July. She is living with a co-worker and only working 15-25hrs a week at a minimum wage job. She doesn't like to call here to whine about how hard it is when I answer the phone. I tell her if she doesn't like her hours to get another job and/or find a different one that will work her 40hrs/week. On the days she is not working she could be out looking for more work.
I think she wants Hubby (her brother) to just 'take care of everything' for her. Good thing I control the bank account or I think his siblings would nickel/dime us to death. Matter of fact, I think that is why they don't care for me too much...I always tell them 'no' when they ask for money. Before we married, any song/dance would get their brother to send them money.
I must be a big ole meanie!
Sounds like Garth can really make a change with a good start. I wish him luck.
h



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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-28-2008, 12:48 AM
 
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I haven't been in the exact situation, but I was kicked out by my mom, on the morning of my 18th birthday. I have to say, what you are willing to do for your child, his significant other, and their child is wonderful! I hope they take your offer, because that will be best for everyone in the long and short run.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 04-28-2008, 01:16 PM Thread Starter
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Heidi a 37 year old in that sitaution I dont think wants help .... IMO ...

Garth is 20 ... Sandy is 21 ... and up **** creek without a paddle .

As it happens Sandy wants to come up ... Garth sent us an sms this morning .. hubs and I have discussed it and will chat to them soon.

This is scary

2 boxers Miki & Monty
Boy Cats: Tucker,Freeway,Tyson,Copicat,Mike
Girl Cats : Magic, Garfield, Buggie,Lexie,Spike,Ginger,Blue,Spooky,Rotten, Trouble
Strays: Charlie
2 Conures,2 African Greys,1 Black winged Jardine
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