How to Vaccuum in a House with Pets and Long Haired Humans
Prelude: Vaccuum the entire house, pretend the burning, rancid smell from the vaccuum is normal, pretend there really was a difference in the house after you were done. Discreetly put away the vaccuum and hope the problem goes away on its own.
Five weeks later: Acknowledge that the dust bunnies have become dust yetis, and the vaccuum must be faced.
1. Hope the problem went away on its own five weeks ago, and begin vaccuuming.
2. Acknowledge that the burning rancid smell has filled the house. Normal, check.
3. Acknowledge that the hair is not coming up off the carpet. Seminormal, check.
4. Acknowledge that the vaccuum is spitting out more than it sucks up. Abnormal.
5. Empty out the vaccuum bag (reusable plastic barrel thingy). Surely that fixes the problem. Notice that the filters at the top of the barrel are completely invisible with dust--clean those for good measure. Five filters later, reattach the bag. Problem fixed. Turn on the vaccuum.
6. Acknowledge that the burning rancid smell and regurgitation are still happening. Proceed to plan B.
7. Flip over the vaccuum, cut away about a quarter inch of human hair wrapped around the entire roller bar. Problem fixed! Turn it rightside up, and turn on the vaccuum.
8. Acknowledge that the burning rancid smell and regurgitation are still happening. Proceed to plan C.
9. Flip over the vacuum again, try to remove the plate covering the roller bar. Realize you have to remove the entire plate on the bottom of the vaccuum. Get the electric screwdriver and go to town.
10. Realize that you should have put a bag beneath the vaccum, as when the plate is removed ten pounds of pet hair and dirt falls out--on the carpet. Clean out all visible pet hair. Notice the belt that rotates the roller bar is invisible, covered with human hair. Cut away over a half inch deep collection of hair, replace all contents on the vaccuum. Problem solved! A rotating roller bar is useful. Turn the vaccuum upright and turn on power.
11. Acknowledge that regurgitation is still happening, and nothing is getting vaccuumed up. Proceed to plan D.
12. Remove the long hose thing to attach a nozzel and bypass the entire roller bar area. Upon removal, notice that the four foot long hose is completely, solidly packed with pet hair and dirt that isn't going anywhere (except the pound of it that fell out onto the carpet from the very end of the hose). Get three knives, two knitting needles, two pairs of barbecue tongs, and a two foot barbecue fork and begin digging. Remove all visible hair and dirt. Reattach hose, problem MUST be solved now! Turn on vaccuum.
13. Acknowledge that regurgitation is still happening, and nothing is getting vaccuumed up. Proceed to plan E.
14. Inspect the hose, realize there is approximately six feet of extendable hose that have to have a holding bar removed to access the additional hose. Relocate electric screwdriver, go to town, repeat step 12, reattach hardware. Problem's probably not fixed, turn on the vaccuum anyway.
15. Joyously acknowledge mastery of the vaccuum when the burning smell, regurgitation, and lack of vaccuuming have now disappeared. Vaccuum the approximate 100 square feet of house for the four necessary minutes, and put away the vaccuum.
Time required to fix the vaccuum: 1.5 hours
Time required to vaccuum: 4 minutes.
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