And i fear that something has to be me.
I have one girlfriend who I see once in a blue moon and spends the entire time talking about herself and how the gay scene is terrible and how she is bored in her relationship of 10 years but cant be bothered to get out. I have another friend who is going though a mid life crisis at the moment and having just blown 5 grand on breast enlargements for a girl he met on the internet now wonders why she has disappeared when before the op they were talking almost every night (he has a wife and two kids by the way) and everyone else are just work colleagues. I get on with people at work but - other than the odd drink or two after work dont go out with them socially.
Then theres flatmate. Thats not going particularly well at the moment. As he said he didn't have anything planned, I asked flatmate if he fancied doing something with me this Sunday. To which he gave me the impression that doing something with me for the day would only happen if he hadn't found something more exciting to do by then (he obviously didn't say that - thats the impression I got from the conversation). It was very hurtful, particularly given i'd just struggled home on a bus with a bike I had given to give to him for free from a guy at work. sigh.
I'm feeling rather taken for granted to be honest and taking advantage of by pretty much everyone I know. I try to be nice and do things for people and i guess i shouldn't because its seen as a weakness to be exploited. And I'm really rather upset by it.
All in all, its quite depressing and makes me wonder if people really like me at all for who i am or rather what i can do for them and also what on earth makes me so unpleasant? Or simply just not interesting enough for people. I guess I don't have much to talk about. I'm bored quite frankly and probably rather boring as a consequence. I dont have anyone to confide in over things at all. And in any case, I'm not convinced anyone would be interested enough to listen. I do feel rather invisible and I wouldnt be at all surprised if no-one actually noticed my absence at all for at least a week or so if I just packed my bags and left London for good. I suspect the first person to notice would be flatmate but only because he would be wondering where the cat has got to
I haven't just been moping around feeling sorry for myself. Self pity gets one nowhere fast. I did the culture group thing but after a couple of sessions decided it wasn't the crowd for me. I still thinking about going here ( http://www.iknit.org.uk/knittinggroup.html
)- but I'm horribly shy. Social events are nightmarish to say the least. One-on-one I can cope with but anymore than three other people and I start to disappear into the wallpaper.
I have to do something though as my present 'social life' is pathetic.
I did ask flatmate what sort of person I was and he said 'lovely, but maybe a little too meek' - well, all I can say it I cant be that lovely if he doesn't really want to spend his Sunday with me. I guess its a bizarre question to ask and I'm not sure I know anyone else well enough to ask for a second opinion. Oh well.
Hmm. I am aware that its me that has to change here but I'm not entirely sure how as I'm not really seeing clearly though the fog of disappointment with myself. I think also I dont trust people to actually like me - I assume that they wont and am most surprised generally speaking when I find out otherwise,
Any insights (brutal or otherwise) much appreciated.