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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-22-2008, 06:29 PM Thread Starter
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having a rough time

I've broken up with my boyfriend, and he's not taking it well at all.

We were together almost 3 months... but as much as I wanted to, I just didn't have any sort of deep emotional attachment for him. He's a super sweet guy and at the start I really enjoyed being around him. The longer we were together the more obvious it becamse to me that it wasn't going to work.

In my eyes, it wasn't a bad breakup. There were no ill feelings on my part. It simply wasn't making me happy. We had actually been dealing with this (had broken up right before Thanksgiving because of it) for a while now.

I honestly think the reason he's having such a hard time is I had changed his life so much. He's almost 28. Had a girlfriend in high school but nothing since. He has no friends, only really talks to people at work or on the internet. He keeps telling me that he had nothing before me, I was the best thing to ever happen to him, he loves me so much and that now he has nothing.

I've already told him that I want to continue talking to him and see him on occasion. Because he is a very good person, just not someone I can date. At first he said he was done - if we weren't going to be together he'd rather not talk to me or see me. Fine. Then we talked on the phone to in theory get things out in the open... ended up being this horrid hurtful hour and a half conversation about everything that we dislike about each other. By the end of it, I was so mad I was in tears... and he had changed his mind and wanted to be friends... I was furious at how immature the entire conversation turned in a matter of minutes.

Anyway - I have told him several times very clearly that we both need time to let things sink in before we talk again. He keeps pushing it. Trying to have casual "how was your day" conversations then gets mad when I'm not responsive (online conversations only) and has sent me very long emails about how he feels. He also returned everything I've ever given him at some point last night... all the cat food and toys I gave his cats, my old water fountain, any kitchen type items I had used to cook with at his apartment, etc.

I think he's completely over reacting, but I have no idea how to get through to him.

I'm at the point where I think its best to completely cut off communication, but I don't think he deserves that. He doesn't deserve to keep wondering what he did wrong, why he's so horrible that nobody wants to date him, etc. But its not doing either one of us any good to continue like this.

I'm sorry - I mostly need to vent. I don't really have any close friends to talk to about this and honestly the whole situation is a little embarassing because I really feel like I've treated him like garbage. Not intentionally, just trying to keep space between us to avoid feeling like I'm leading him on.

I hope things get easier.

Jessie

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-22-2008, 06:38 PM
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Re: having a rough time

From a guy's standpoint, I honestly think you need to make a clean break. I know girls cherish relationships and they often say stuff like "we can still be friends" and "lets keep in touch" but this guy sounds like a clinger and there's no such thing for him as backing off and just being friends. If you try to maintain a friendly relationship with him it just signals to him that you might still be open to resuming the relationship the way it was. This guy doesn't have much experience and he probably thought that you were "the one" and doesn't realize there's two sides to that. Do this poor sap a favor and tell him that he's just not right for you and that he never will be. Don't waste time on that "you're a great guy and perfect for some girl" balderdash because that will just make him think you're still interested. The only way to get him the message is to put it in terms that leave no doubt. FINAL. DONE. OVER. FINI.

Good luck.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-22-2008, 06:41 PM
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Re: having a rough time

i know it's hard, but sometimes, you kinda have to be a little mean to get your point across. In the long run, he'll benefit from that. You can't force yourself to have feeling for someone. And it's better to be honest three months in than drag it out for three years!

Wishing you the best

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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-22-2008, 11:08 PM
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Re: having a rough time

I agree, it is probably best to cut the ties completely for now. Your friend just simply does not have enough practice in relationships to have a clue about HIMSELF and his wants and needs, which is totally vital in order to be able to think about someone else's wants and needs! He has to slog through all the emotions and experiences that everybody must, in order to grow up and be ready for mature relationships. Osnobunnie (I can't remember your real name ), it sounds like you were honest and tried to be kind. He's just not at your place yet, it sounds like he's still in the high school type stage. Don't beat yourself up trying to make him feel better.

A good way to gauge difficult interactions is to check whatever you want to say against these ideas - "Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?" If whatever you say fits, then feel free to say it (or wait until it does fit). And when someone says stuff to you that doesn't fit those three ideas, you don't have to take it their words in, if they weren't coming from a spiritual place...

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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 07:02 AM
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Re: having a rough time

Why DO girls say "we can still be friends" after they break up with people? I've never ever heard a guy say that, and it often just causes problems. Even if the split is 100% amicable.

Tbh he sounds like a clinger (like Tim said), and is way better off being completely removed from your life.

Oh and of course you felt fine about it. You've had time to think about it. He hasn't. Give him time and space (don't respond in any way), and it'll be ok with him.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 07:32 AM
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Re: having a rough time

just about the "let's still be friends" thing... my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two and a half years, and some times we talk about "what if..." and I always said I don't think I could do the friends thing afterward, but HE really thinks he would want to if we don't work out. I guess it's possible... but I don't know.

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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 08:27 AM
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Re: having a rough time

The problem with it, is that the couple have been in a far more intimate relationship (no matter how much you "don't do"), than normal friendship. So taking that very very big step backwards often just won't work. It certainly won't work if one party (as in this case) still has strong feelings for the other.

Sure it can work, but often only when the people feel exactly the same way.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 08:56 AM
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Re: having a rough time

Yea the whole "we can still be friends" never works!!! Tried it and it just caused more problems than it was worth.

B.O.T- You really need to cut all ties to him. In the long run it is better for everyone involved. If you dont it can lead into something nasty (example: he thinks theres still a chance and so he become obsessed, then you get a new boyfriend and he flips out on you). Even really sweet guys can become very possesive and aggressive.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 11:22 AM
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Re: having a rough time

Ive manage to still be friends with few guys. But the intital cut off has to be a months of no contact. You cant make yourself available to talk or have lunch and definitely dont share personal details of your life or he'll track you. It takes time for the other person to heal.

Tims right, if you say there is someone else for you, they get really mad. They are fixated on you being the right person. Distance and time can work it out to be friends. He has to move on to his next stage of life with other people to fill the gap & learn to be viewed as single again. Then you can be good friends.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-23-2008, 11:36 AM
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Re: having a rough time

Tim said it beautifully. We women are so trained to not hurt people's feelings that we often deliver a ridiculously soft, qualified "blow," with the result that the guy doesn't even get we're breaking up with him. Men are much more direct, so I think a direct message is what he's most likely to hear. And the "let's be friends" thing......just soft, mushy, non-message hooey.


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