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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Am I being unreasonable?

As some of you know, flatmate has a girlfriend. She comes around to the house on occasion, usually when I'm visiting my mother at the weekend but sometimes at other times as well. I, rather obviously, dont have a problem with this generally speaking. Flatmate asks every time before she comes - I have told him on numerous occasions that he doesnt have to ask but just tell me she is coming round - but he asks anyway.

Anyway.

I know that girlfriend has a rough deal at home. She is from an Asian family and I know there are pressures involving 'family responsibilities' and so on ... but I almost throttled flatmate this morning when he tried to tell me that he thought that she had had a rougher easter than me (they went away together for most of it so not entirely sure why!) thanks to her family and therefore wanted her to come around this evening.

Right now I'm feeling very tired and a little emotional and the very last thing I need is to be told that girlfriend has had a worse Easter than me and that justifies her coming around and me having to make some sort of effort to make her feel at home. I'm upset because flatmate knows I havent had the best of Easters and yet seems to think I'm ok with having my home 'invaded' (I dont normally feel as if she is invading my home but i do today - a real indicator of my state of mind I imagine). I can hardly be bothered with flatmate at the moment to be honest, let alone a virtual stranger! I feel as if my feelings have either been completely ignored or simply trampled on.

I could have said 'no' of course - but than feel as if that would have put me in a bad light and I imagine that would have caused a fair bit of friction between me and my flatmate this evening .. so I seem to have found myself in a no-win situation.

I also feel bad for wanting to grumble at all. Flatmate has of course every right to invite her whenever he pleases. I just wish it wasnt tonight. Heck, she is very likely to be visiting him this coming weekend anyway seeing as I wont be there.

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 11:46 AM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

No, Allie, I don't think you're being unreasonable. You have a lot to deal with right now and while it should be okay for flatmate to have his girlfriend over, he should've waited until the weekend. He should've respected the fact that you've been through a lot and that maybe his gf should've just stayed home this one time...besides, it's not like he wasn't going to see her soon anyway.

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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 11:52 AM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

at flatmate......
Even if she DID have a crappier easter than you, it doesn't automatically mean you should be all smiles and such when she is not your guest....
Here's an idea for this time, why not bank this favour for some time in the future. Like when Toby needs a vet visit or something....
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 12:11 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Agreed - you are most certainly not being unreasonable. You've had a tough Easter too and I 100% know what you mean when sometimes you just want to be alone (Garbo-style!).

I think it's great that you're ok with him letting her come over whenever he asks and I think that's reasonable as it's his home too.

What I *would* have a problem be is that he said that he thought she'd had a rougher Easter than you! Who is he to say?! And even if she has that doesn't change the fact that you've had a tough time too and a little bit of consideration wouldn't have hurt him.

Prob the best thing to do for this evening would be to say something along the lines of "yeh of course it's fine for her to come over, but would you mind keeping to yourselves as the last week's not been too easy for me either and I need my space".....or something.

Hope you have a good evening and work it out


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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 01:44 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Not being unreasonable at all, but having said that, you should also feel no obligation whatsoever to help entertain her. If you holed yourself up in your room and never came out, that'd be absolutely fine too.


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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 02:50 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

I'm with Holly - just hole up in your room with Toby and let them do their own thing.

I almost wonder if your flatmate thinks that you and his girlfriend would feel better if you shared your rough Easter stories? Sharing the misery does help some people, so maybe he's actually trying to be nice and doesn't realize that this isn't the way to make you feel better.

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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 03:14 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

OK, I'll (sort of) dissent.

If the question is: would it be unreasonable to tell flatmate not to have his girlfriend over because you're having a bad week, then I think that would be a little bit unreasonable. It's his flat, too, after all. (Wishing she wouldn't come over, but not telling him she can't, is a different story and is perfectly reasonable.)

However, if flatmate expects you to have something to do with his GF -- entertain her, make her at home, make conversation, or whatever -- then that's unreasonable on his part, and it's not unreasonable on your part to refuse when you don't feel like it.

So, not wanting to interact with her beyond a polite hello is perfectly reasonable. She's not YOUR GF, after all. If you don't feel like company then they need to go off and do their thing while you do your thing.

That's my $0.02 worth, anyway.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by October
Not being unreasonable at all, but having said that, you should also feel no obligation whatsoever to help entertain her. If you holed yourself up in your room and never came out, that'd be absolutely fine too.
We have had issues before where I've done that to give them their own space and then been told that I've 'created a uncomfortable atmosphere' .. which really upset me because I only did it so not to intrude on their privacy. So, I've worked very hard since to ensure I couldn't be accused of that again but tonight I just don't have the energy.

"FIV != PTS"
"SENIOR KITTIZENS ROCK! (between naps)"

Allie and Ridley

Toby - waiting at the rainbow bridge (2002-2011)
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 03:39 PM
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by melysion
Quote:
Originally Posted by October
Not being unreasonable at all, but having said that, you should also feel no obligation whatsoever to help entertain her. If you holed yourself up in your room and never came out, that'd be absolutely fine too.
We have had issues before where I've done that to give them their own space and then been told that I've 'created a uncomfortable atmosphere' .. which really upset me because I only did it so not to intrude on their privacy. So, I've worked very hard since to ensure I couldn't be accused of that again but tonight I just don't have the energy.
And you know what? Flatmate needs to respect that. If he's too selfish to do so, then that's on him. You are under absolutely no obligation to provide entertainment to his girlfriend if you don't want to...and I don't blame you. You've been under a lot of stress and for him to expect you to be a bubbly hostess is complete and utter BS.

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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2009, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Well it seems that they wont be here until really late so with any luck I'll be asleep when they arrive.

I have to say, the more I think about it, the more annoyed I am at the thought that he assumed that she had a worse easter than I did! Not that its a competition or anything () but even so. How would he know?

Oh well.

"FIV != PTS"
"SENIOR KITTIZENS ROCK! (between naps)"

Allie and Ridley

Toby - waiting at the rainbow bridge (2002-2011)
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