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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 12:06 AM Thread Starter
 
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motorcycle accident

my husband just found out his bff and a close friend of mine as well died in a motorcycle accident. he is off to his brother's house to break the news to him. i'm still in a state of shock and a bit numb, i guess it hasn't totally sank in yet. i don't know what i can do or say to help dh with the pain he's feeling. he bottles it all up and won't talk about it and when he did he tried to blow it off, like it was how he wanted to go and we all have to go sometime etc. this has been his bf for 17+ years. i've only known him for 7, i can't imagine the pain he must be feeling...i hope that while he's with his brother they can grieve some together but idk, they haven't been on the best of terms lately. cisco was like his brother and grew up with them, actually lived with them for a while. i just don't know what to do or say, i don't want to be callous and not mention it or act like it didn't happen but i also don't want to push him to talk if he's not ready. when his g'pa died he never did really talk about it at all. i guess i'm at a loss as to how to balance my grief with his, which must be much much deeper.
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 12:43 AM
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Re: motorcycle accident

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Grief is so hard, and it is so hard to help someone else through it, especially if you are grieving yourself. I guess the only advice I would have is make sure you take care of yourself (sleep, eat, talk, cry) so that you can be supportive for your husband. You are right that men handle things so differently.

We have not had any close friends pass, but my husband lost his father a few years ago, and just in the last few weeks in our hometown here we have had a series of tragedies where friends have lost children in the most heartbreaking accidents. At least it helps to talk to people. I hope you have a chance to remember this friend in a memorial service or other gathering that will allow all of his friends and family to mourn together...

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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 02:25 AM
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Re: motorcycle accident

I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope that his passing was quick for his sake.

The best thing you can do for your husband is to be there for him. Let him know through words and gestures that you are there to listen, but will not force him. Everyone grieves differently, but I think it is extra hard when you are young and it is someone who is your own age. He will be facing his own mortality, probably for the first time, and it in itself will be painful.

I wouldn't be surprised if your hubby and his brother were able to come back together during this time of tragedy. They need each other right now.

Sending lots of love and gentle thoughts your way. It is going to be hard for a while.


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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 02:55 AM
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Re: motorcycle accident

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. I don't have much advice, because everyone handles things differently. My husband lost his older (by 11mo) brother about 12 years ago, and that hit him very hard. They were very close, even though they lived on opposite sides of the country. We now have a great relationship with his nephew (the only child of that brother) and I know that has helped my husband immensely. My husband also lost his mother about a year and a half ago, and though it was difficult, he got through that much easier because her health had been poor for quite some time, and he knew the end was coming and I guess he'd talked with her and made his peace about it.

With my husband, I expressed my sorrow/sympathy, but I just left it up to him to talk about it, or not. Though he did (and still does) talk about it, the pain has lessened with time and he is able to remember more and more things that make him smile when he talks about them, and not get so sad.
Best of luck,
Heidi



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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 11:15 AM
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Re: motorcycle accident

I'm so sorry for your loss. ((((HUGS)))) for you, your hubby, and your friends family during this difficult time.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: motorcycle accident

thanks everyone, for your condolences. my dh is trying to acquire the bike for restoration for memorial purposes. he wants to trailer it every year on 4-18 and have a memorial ride. he is spending time with his brother and 2 other friends who were all a very tight group so i think that will help him get it out. he doesn't want to tell the kids, wants them to remember him the way he was and not think of him as gone. he was like their uncle. they called him keyco b/c they couldn't say cisco. i'm torn a bit on this as i feel they should know but am going with his wishes for now and hoping he changes his mind. they will have a lot of questions and i don't think he is quite ready to deal with that. i offered to do it but he says no.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 02:17 PM
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Re: motorcycle accident

What a loss this is for your husband. As Leazie said, just be there. If you don't think it will upset him, tell him you will always be there if he would like to talk. Sometimes it takes days or weeks before it sinks in.




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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 08:03 PM
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Re: motorcycle accident

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is particularly sad when it is someone so young.
Probably the best thing your husband can be doing is spending time with his brother and those friends and you - the other people who also loved your friend. When each of my parents passed away the thing that helped the most was talking with my brothers because they were the ones who truly understood. The memorial bike is also a good idea. I have read books on grieving that say that it is good to have a memorial that is unique to the person. When my mom passed away I planted a garden with her favorite flowers and a bird feeder in the middle because she loved to feed the birds. Every year when I plant that garden in the spring I feel especially close to her.
Hugs to both of you. I know it must be very difficult.

Sue



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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 10:08 PM
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Re: motorcycle accident

You know, I wanted to ask how you are doing. You were a friend with this person, too. Perhaps not as close as your husband was, and certainly not for as many years, but we tend to sort of adopt our significant other or spouse's friends as our 'extended family', too.
So, how are you doing?



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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-20-2009, 11:23 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: motorcycle accident

thanks heidi that's so nice of you. i'm doing okay. trying to be strong for all involved. i have my private moments when no one is around where i allow myself to break down. it's hard and it hasn't sunk completely in for any of us. there are still moments of shock, denial, and numbness. he was probably the best friend i've ever made, and was the most non judgemental person i've ever known. my dh asked me the same question tonight, and apologized for not thinking to ask before. i'm trying to hold myself together....i'm very upset though that i have no pictures, my old camera went crazy and cleared the memory card, so all the pics of him with the kids, with us...all gone. i have pics of him but the others were candids, playing around, being goofy...it would be nice to have had those...
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