Dog Letters to GOD
"Dear God, why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?"
"Dear God, when we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?"
"Dear God, why are cars named for the eagle, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, the rabbit, etc., but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? "
"Dear God, if a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?"
"Dear God, if we come back as humans, is that good or bad?"
"Dear God, more meatballs, less spaghetti, please."
"Dear God, when we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?"
"Dear God, are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street."
"Dear God, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?"
"Dear God, we dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?"
"Dear God, may I PLEASE have my testicles back?"
"Dear God, these are just some of the things I must remember to keep my present living arrangements. So, please help me remember:
#1 The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
#2 I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
#3 I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
#4 I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
#5 I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
#6 I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
#7 I will not throw up in the car.
#8 I will not roll on dead birds, fish, crabs, duck poop etc., just because I like the way they smell.
#9 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
#10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them on the floor after processing.
#11 I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
#12 I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
#13 When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
#14 We do not have a doorbell so I will not bark each time I hear one on television.
#15 I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with them.
#16 The sofa is not a face towel; neither are mom and dad's laps.
#17 My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
#18 I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and registration.
#19 I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
#20 I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.
#21 Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying "hello."
#22 I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
#23 The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.