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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-21-2004, 10:41 PM Thread Starter
 
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Post Jokes Here!!!!!

Were do you find a dog with no legs????





Right were you left him.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-22-2004, 02:27 AM
 
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oh, boy. now i have to post my elephant jokes. i know it's long, but if you read them all they're funny!


Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
- Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
What’s the difference between elephants and plums?
- Plums are purple, elephants aren’t
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
- Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- See, it works.
Why is it dangerous to go into the cherry orchards at noon?
- Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.
Why are pygmies so small?
- Because they go through the cherry orchards at noon.
What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
- Slow pygmies.
How did Tarzan die?
- Picking cherries.
What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
- Monkeys eating cherries.
Why did the monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- Monkey see monkey do.
How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
- It doesn’t, it gets down from a duck.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stamp out flaming ducks
How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
- Open door, insert elephant, close door.
How do you know if there was an elephant in the fridge?
- Footprints in the butter.
How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
- open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close door.
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
- You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
- Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
- Ever seen a yellow elephant?
What is grey and not there?
- No elephants.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-22-2004, 05:46 PM
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Q:If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring??









Ailgrims!!
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-22-2004, 06:43 PM
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I'll think of one to pay you three back! Just give me time. OK, now you have to hear my Buddy Hackett joke.

Bill and Jim were brothers. Jim had no family except his cat--and he treated that cat like a baby. Nothing was too good for his cat.

Jim had to make a trip to England and asked Bill to take care of his cat while he was gone. He gave him a long list of rules concerning diet, etc.
Then Jim went to England.

The next day he just had to call Bill and ask about his beloved cat.
Bill just blurted out the news. "Oh, the cat? He's dead."

Poor Jim was in shock and just hung up the phone. But the more he thought about it, the more angry he got. He called Bill and told him he should have handled the bad news in a kind way. "YOU KNOW HOW I LOVED THAT CAT!" he yelled. "You could have broken the news gently. For instance, the first time I called, you could have said, 'the cat's on the roof, and I don't know if we can get him down" Then, the second time I called you could have told me you got him down, but he was sick from exposure. Then the third time I called you could have told me gently, 'I'm sorry, but your cat died.' "

Bill listened to his brother and admitted he should have been more considerate. Then Jim asked, "By the way, how's mother?" And Bill replied, "Well------Mother's on the roof......




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A dog, I have always said, is prose; a cat is a poem. ~Jean Burden
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-25-2004, 08:02 PM
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What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?






I'm paw
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-25-2004, 10:58 PM
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Jeanie

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A dog, I have always said, is prose; a cat is a poem. ~Jean Burden
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-26-2004, 01:30 AM
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A frog hopped into a bank one day asking for a loan. He was introduced to Ms. Patricia Wack, one of the bank's loan officers. The frog was told that he would first need to show some identification. He had none, although he insisted that Mick Jagger was his father. Still demanding a loan he was asked for some kind of collateral. All he could produce was a small ceramic elephant. Frustrated with the situation, Ms. Wack went into the office of the bank manager explaining that this frog wants a loan, says Mick Jagger is his father and all he could produce for collateral was this little ceramic elephant and I don't even know what it's supposed to be.

The bank manager replied "That's a knick knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-27-2004, 04:35 PM
 
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A little variation of Heather102180's joke.

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?








A: June bugs!
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