Separation related issues *long* - Cat Forum : Cat Discussion Forums
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-17-2005, 12:51 AM Thread Starter
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Separation related issues *long*

Where to start?!

As some of you know H and I separated at the end of May.

I told my 2 best friends and sister immediately.

I reluctantly told my parents a week or so later. And they were far from supportive I told them the barest of details, that my H fell in love with a coworker. I asked them not to tell anyone as it was our place to tell people and right now we didn't want to tell people and they didn't know all the details anyway. They agreed to that.

On to the drama at hand!

After telling those initial family members/friends that was it, I didn't tell anyone else. Then at the end of July I told my 2 aunts (one of whom told my cousin, her daughter, I was fine with that). I told them we have separated but not the reason why. My Mom was sitting right there when I told them.

Last week my Dad called me and asked me to let my Grandpa know because they were really uncomfortable with him not knowing. I was extremely hurt by this conversation and did not say much to my Dad.
I felt like their being uncomfortable should come before my own feelings.

I knew I had to tell my Grandpa but I was not ready yet, I was still building up the courage.I feel like I did something wrong, like a failure, I feel guilty, I am embarrassed and ashamed. So I really don't feel like going around telling people about this! I got brave enough and told my Grandpa last week.

(Now my sister's wedding is at the end of July and lots of extended family and family friends will be there. At this point they will be told that we have swparated because H will not be attending. I will not make a big deal of this, just tell the that we have separated. It is my sisters time and will not take that away from her!! Luckily there is a big party the night before so this is when they will notice H isn't there and I can tell them then. So I won't be taking away from my wonderful sister's day. She deserves an amazing day!!! By the way I did plan on letting my Grandpa know before this night.)

I found out yesterday from my 18 year old cousin that her and my Grandpa had been at my parents house earlier in the week. While they were there my parents were freely telling them how we are separated because H fell in love with another woman.


I was furious to know this.Luckily I was far away from my town for the day so could do nothing about it at the time. That night I called my Mom and I told her that I thought she owed me a huge apology. She wanted to know what for so I told her that they had no right to be telling my Grandpa things when they had promised they would keep it to themselves.

There was a miscommunication at one point and I know that I am partly to blame. In the end of an email to my Dad I had said that Grandpa knows now so you don't have to be afraid that he will find out about it now.
What I should have said was that I told him we have separated but not the details behind it.

They assumed I would have told him everything. I am confused because my Mom saw me tell my aunts and I gave them no details, so why she thought I would tell my 81 year old Grandpa that my H wanted to leave me for another woman I don't know.My mother then proceeds to tell me that my Grandpa was lecturing my parents to lecture me that marriage can't be thrown away over a little fight. This is the point where they told him the details.

This was my Mom's defense. That her dad was lecturing them to lecture me. And that's why they told him.I told her that no matter what is said by anyone to them they do not have the right to tell people. That in the future they should tell people to come to me. I also said that they should have told my Grandpa to tell me himself.

Now, I know my cousin will have told her mom (one of the aunts I told) why we have separated. I am also afraid that my Grandpa will have told me other aunt that I already told the details behind why we have separated. I have emailed that cousin's mom, my aunt, and asked her that if she does know the details to please keep them to herself, as my parents should not have told anyone what they did. I will also have to talk to my Grandpa. I have to find out who knows and tell the nicely to keep it to themselves.

The reason that I don't want everyone to know is partly out of shame and embarassment but also because I don't want it to be held against my H if we do work things out.

My sister is being so supportive, and I feel bad for adding to her stress so close to her wedding!

I feel extremely betrayed by my parents. And I got no real apology. They really can't see why I am upset. I was very calm about it. I didn't yell, I was not mean.I am trying as hard as I can to be strong. If I don't I will completely fall apart. Maybe I am giving off the impression that I don't want/need anyone's support. Maybe my family is uncomfortable and don't know what to say. I have never felt so alone or uncared for in my life.
I try not to bring it up with my 2 best friends a lot because they don't need to hear me whine all the time. But I am really hurt because they don't even ask me if I am okay. No one does.

I know I Can be strong and eventually I will get through this. I just don't know how much more of this family related stuff I can handle! There is some other stuff I won't really go into. One aunt has said that it seems like H is all for working it out and I want nothing to do with it. I have no clue where she gets this from. Stuff like that!

So after this my plan is not to just sit and whine about it!

I am doing something about it!

Well I have already started with that call to my mom and by emailing my aunt and asking her to keep any details she knows to herself.

We have a family dinner planned for monday so I may take advantage of it to discuss some things so there is no miscommunication and everyone is clear on everything.

I am also not going to let this stuff keep getting to me too much. I have some counselor suggested tips for helping with it

Thanks for everyone's support in my other thread regarding my separation. You guys are a big part of the reason why I still have some of my sanity!!!!
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-17-2005, 01:06 AM
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You guys are a big part of the reason why I still have some of my sanity!!!!
Boy, I have to say, the same goes for me!!!

I am SO sorry your family is acting the way they are...I would be FUMING. I'm sorry, I don't have any great advice, but I wanted you to know you have my support and I think you are handling this beautifully (although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that on the inside!). I think your approach to dealing with your family, talking to them at dinner and getting it out in the open/out of the way is a good one. Hang in there!
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-17-2005, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Ianthe
I am SO sorry your family is acting the way they are...I would be FUMING.
Writing it all out made me feel so much better. I get it out and than I can quit thinking about it! I am really glad I called my parents. Usually the thought of the disapointing reaction would stop me. But in this case they really needed to know that what they did was hurtful and in my eyes wrong!

Originally Posted by PhantomsPandora
I don't even know what to say, other than I am so glad you've got your sis to talk to.
oh yeah!!! I don't know what I would do without her. My sister and my husband worked together. So my sister knows this woman he wanted to leave me for (I have met her too). The whole office thought something was going on between them So my sister was even more great because I was able to check if my H was telling me the truth about certain things.

My sister told my H that she thought it would be appropriate for him to tender his resignation after all this went down. I feel bad that she had to continue to work with him and HER. So he did quit. He was leaving to go to another job in a month anyways, but he gave his notice earlier and left two weeks earlier than planned.

I have recently heard through the grapevine that he will be back at the office to help out for august due to lots of people being on vacation etc. It sounds like he will be working some nights, after his other job, and possibly on the weekends.

H has yet to tell me this himself though! I am not too thrilled because he told me he would never see the other woman again....and now there isa chance he will.

I am very interested to see if he even tells me about this extra work!!
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-17-2005, 10:04 PM
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Hey, in case you haven't read about my post.. I am in a similar situation. Only I am more fortunate because both sides of the family are in complete support of me 110%. My husband's mother is devastated, and in the heat of the moment is ready to disown her son. She is very worried I will be "divorcing the family too." But I love my in-laws! They are so wonderful!

I personally am under the belief that when a man strays, let him go. There is some reason they feel this urge, and no amount of love on your part, no amount of crying begging pleading changing yourself will change them. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It shows a lack of respect.

(And I understand that your man hasn't exactally cheated... but one could argue it is...)
Good luck with resolving your problems, be thankful you dont have children watching mommy& daddy fight
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-17-2005, 11:22 PM
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Originally Posted by JackieT
I personally am under the belief that when a man strays, let him go.
I cannot argue against this thought strongly enough. I'm not saying a man has the right to cheat, leave, or even think about those things, but let me tell a story.

My brother John was emotionally (he fell in love with another woman, but they never went to bed together) cheating on his wife Jennifer months before she died. When she found out (via my other sister in law, who worked with both my brothers and this other woman) she was devestated. Somehow, my mother got involved (my brothers can't do anything on their own) and eventually it came to head that John was so terrified that Jennifer would end up dead from a drug overdose, that he was running away. He had shut off his emotions towards her for so long, he wanted to run and leave her and the kids for this other woman.

While it's not great that it happened, it turned out for the best. John didn't leave, and he confronted his fears. They were soo happy. They were the happiest I had seen them since they got married. I am balling my eyes out writing this, because her death is so fresh on my heart, but if John hadn't tried leaving, if she hadn't been strong enough to work on things, they would not have had the pleasant times they had.

They are an example that love is cruel and kind. They are also an example that sometimes you gotta work through the tough times. They are an example to be mimicked.

I'm not saying either of you don't have a reason to be upset, angry, hurt, and downright vengeful, but how do you want things to be when you pass on?

Jennifer passed away on June 4, 2005, one month after her 25th birthday. We still don't know exactly what happened. Irony was never more cruel.

Maybe your lives will turn out better.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-18-2005, 03:18 PM
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LoveMyKitties- I just want to give you a big *Hug*! I've been keeping up with all your posts about you and your hubby and I feel so sad you have to go through this. You're being so strong, though you may not feel so at times.

I hate how your family is treating this, that just makes it worse. I hope things work out for the best but personally I wouldn't go back to him. I've got to side with the once a cheater, always a cheater. He may not cheat again, but that trust is lost and trust is something you have to have for a healthy relationship. It doesn't seem to me he is really trying that hard after doing you wrong and that by itself is just really wrong. Good luck with everything and hope your sisters wedding is wonderful
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-18-2005, 05:38 PM
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LoveMyKitties - Hope you don't mind me chiming in since I'm relatively new to the forum and don't know you.

You said in your first post
I feel like I did something wrong, like a failure, I feel guilty, I am embarrassed and ashamed.
I know the feelings are natural but you have no need to feel like any of those things. HE failed you and your marriage. HE is guilty of emotional adultery, if not actual physical adultery. HE should be embarrassed for his faithlessness. HE should be ashamed of his rotten behavior towards you. You did nothing wrong, did not fail him, are not guilty, and have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of - except maybe trusting someone who may prove to be unworthy - but you're hardly the only person to do that.

I want you to know that I have been where you are. My ex-husband (32 yo at the time) who I trusted implicitly fell in love with the 18 yo daughter of some of our friends. I told the first rumor-mongerers that their suspicions were ludicrous only to end up with pie on my face. He twisted everything around and made me feel like it was my fault he was a liar and a cheater. We were living temporarily in England and I didn't want to tell my family over the phone or upset my dying grandmother. When I finally realized the marriage was over, I came back to the US with the clothes on my back and a six-month-old puppy. I had no job, car, furniture, anything else and about $8,000 in cash as my settlement (we were both just out of grad school).

Most of my family was wonderful but my fundamentalist other grandmother tried to tell me that he wouldn't have left if I'd been a better Christian wife. Definitely didn't help my self-esteem or blood pressure. Family can be so frustrating but I'm sure they don't mean to make things harder on you - they are just a bit clueless...

Long story short - I have a great job, own my own house, have wonderful pets, take fantastic vacations (spent 3 weeks in Italy in April), have a circle of caring friends and a fulfilling life. SHE is married to a liar, a cheater, and a quitter and I thank the stars each day it is her and not me. It wasn't easy rebuilding my life but counseling was a big help.

Anyway - big hugs to you - I hope you much happiness in the future although I know right now you probably feel like tomorrow holds nothing but sorrow. Time truly does heal wounds - and gives you that wonderful 20/20 hindsight.

Best of luck,

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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-18-2005, 06:21 PM
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Aw man, I hate threads like these, I try so hard not to cry!

LoveMyKitties, like I said in your previous thread (which I thought about reviving and ask if you were ok, but didn't know if I should've), I wish the best for you. Maybe your friends are too afraid to ask if you're ok. You probably do seem strong (like from the beginning) so perhaps they don't want to bring it up to upset you?

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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-18-2005, 06:30 PM Thread Starter
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All of you are so great. I am sitting here bawling my eyes out because today is a really tough day.

A big part of me thinks it is over. I know it is relatively normal to get crushes on other people when you are in a relationship or are married. But it was more than that. It was a full blown emotional affair. He wrote that his options were to a) leave me and try going to her if she would have him or b) leave me and forget about her.

I am not in either ofthose options. I know the only reason he stayed was that he didn't have the guts to see if she would have him.

I am not ready to walk away yet because I need to really know that it is the right thing to do. However legally we have to be separated a year before we could divorce anyway so we have the time to wait and see what happens. Time we can put to good use.

Sometimes part of me just wants it to be over so that I can end it. If I am the one in control it is a lot different than if he comes to me and says it is over.

Thank you again to everyone...I am still sane and standing in large part to you!
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-18-2005, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMyKitties
He wrote that his options were to a) leave me and try going to her if she would have him or b) leave me and forget about her.
I cannot believe I'm reading this! This is upsetting to read. Anyhow, I don't want to be the one pushing you to leave him or forget him b/c that is ultimately up to you b/c I think if I were in your position and people were saying this and that, if kinda makes you want to go the opposite way b/c they don't really know how it is in your shoes. So is Canada different from US b/c you can't divorce right away
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