Ex boyfriend question *Update* - Cat Forum : Cat Discussion Forums
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-28-2005, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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Ex boyfriend question *Update*

Okay, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but there is something that's been bugging me.
Backstory: I had only one serious boyfriend before I started dating my husband. We'll call him "A". He and I dated for about 3 years off and on in high school. It obviously didn't work out and it has been...5 years or so since we broke up. Still, after the initial breakup and him getting upset about me dating husband, we would talk to each other on the phone maybe every 6 months or so, just a "hi how are you" kind of thing. This ended about 2 years ago, I thought I had his cell phone number, but lost it and he never called back. Well, I found his little sister's xanga about 1 year ago. I left a note on it saying "How is A doing?" She wrote back and said that he was well and had just gotten engaged. Then I looked on my friend's xanga and A had gotten his sister to leave a note giving his email address for her to get in touch with him. So of course I wondered how come he was trying to get in touch with her and not with me and that made me sad. I thought maybe it was because I had so much on my xanga about me getting married and maybe he just didn't want to deal with that...but then, he was engaged, so who cares? So anyway, he got married at the beginning of June and his sister wrote about it in her diary. And it just made my stomach drop to think about him getting married, I don't know why, it's not like I want him. It was just weird. So I left a note telling her to tell him congrats. So anyway, now I'm having dreams with A in them, just where we are talking to each other and stuff, about life, whatever.
All of this just really bugs me. I don't know why any of it is even on my mind because it shouldn't really matter to me. I thought about asking his sister for his email address, but I don't know if I want to do that. I think it's just that I miss knowing what is going on in his life and I don't want to lose contact with my "first love". I'm not sure what to do about it...it kind of ticks me off that I am having dreams about him.

Edit: I went back and looked at his sister's xanga, I had left her a message back giving her my email address to give to A and said he could drop me a line if he wanted. So I don't know.

Shannon
Loving her cat Stormy and missing her angel cat Justin 1-13-09
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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-28-2005, 01:54 PM
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I'm pretty sure everyone deals with this with their first love, expecially if they maintained a sort of friendship afterwards.

I don't really have any advice to give, except to be happy for him that he is happy, and i hope that you are happy with your man now too.

Get in touch with him if you want, but don't do it if it's only going to be mindless chit chat with your nerves on the line.
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-28-2005, 05:38 PM
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My first real boyfriend (maybe love) was when I was 14. He moved away when I was 16. We kept in touch for awhile, but that was many, many years ago.

I still wonder how he is, sometimes. Twenty-plus years have passed, I have a wonderful husband that I love with all of my heart and am not interested in resuming any contact with my "A" I just wonder.

I think it is natural, and normal. A first love is very special to any girl/woman and we always hear the saying "you never forget your first love". I think that is true.

Your first love is a special part of your past. Your future husband is your now and forever. It's okay to wonder, and natural for these memories to surface in dreams. It only means that you are human and a caring person. If you want to get in touch again, and he and his wife, as well as your fiance are okay with it, it shouldn't be a problem, as long as it is kept in perspective.

As time passes, this will not seem so intense. Just remember where you future lies...
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-28-2005, 06:09 PM
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I think those feelings are totally normal. Just don't dwell on them, and instead concentrate on the life that you have now.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-28-2005, 07:51 PM Thread Starter
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I think the way I posted this was confusing. I put future husband because he was not my husband at the time, but he is now. Anyway, I am very happy with him, so there's no issue with that.
I think mainly it just upsets me that "A" didn't/doesn't seem to want to be in touch with me. And that somehow means that what we had wasn't special to him or something. I don't know...that is just what I've been mulling over today. I mean, I gave his sister my email address and he never emailed me, so maybe it's just not even worth it and I need to forget about it. It just bugs me because I don't know why he doesn't want to be in touch with me now.
I just can't stand it when I start having dreams like that because I have had mutilple other things in my life where I keep dreaming about them over and over until I somehow "resolve" whatever it is.
So I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point.

Shannon
Loving her cat Stormy and missing her angel cat Justin 1-13-09
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-28-2005, 07:57 PM
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Remember he is not the person
you knew when you were together.
Youve both grown, changed, and
moved on. He is a different person.
If you met him today you might not
even like him. That is the way it is
with my old "first love". Our lives
and values have turned out so different.
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-28-2005, 09:13 PM
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It is quite possible he didn't email out of respect to his wife. Do you think you would be hurt/offended if your hubby's first love started exchanging emails? I know I would!

Maybe just chatting about it here will be enough for you to find closure and resolve those feelings. I understand that it hurts to feel shunned, but there could be a lot of reasons he either chose not to or didn't get your message to email.

Don't let it bother you...the dreams will stop whether he contacts you or not. It's probably best he doesn't actually...I don't really see anything positive coming out of it. It would probably just cause confusion and mix up feelings even more.

It will be okay. I promise
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-29-2005, 10:13 AM
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I don't know what to say...

Ex-boyfriends are always trouble. I just feel blessed that I found the right guy the first time I tried.

I obviously can't give you any advice. I wish you well.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-29-2005, 01:20 PM
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I also agree not to push it. I would be totally irritated if my husband contacted his "first love". In addition, I would never contact someone from my past if there was even the slightest hint of upsetting or hurting my husband. There is no way I would mess up anything in my current life just to say hello to someone in my past life. Maybe A not contacting you has nothing to do with you, but has everything to do with his new life.

I would drop it and not take it personal.

As a side note - I can't help but feel weird when I see an ex with a new girl. Even if I don't want them, I don't like seeing someone else with them. I can't explain the feeling - it just happens. (I am in a great marriage and have been with DH for almost 7 years.) So, I sort of know what you are going through. I think it is only natural.

Allison (me)

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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-29-2005, 07:23 PM Thread Starter
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Well, honestly I would not mind if my husband contacted his first love, but I also know her and was once friends with her. It's kind of a different situation since all of us all grew up in the same small town and know each other and also my husband would not view A as a threat. After all, I picked my new relationship with him, over A wanting me back after we broke up. But anyway.
I can sort of see why his new wife (fiance at the time I gave his sister my email address) would make him not want to contact me, although he was talking to me all while I was dating my husband and that was not an issue. And it's funny what you said, Mitts and Tess, because actually, after we split, he became much more the person I had wanted him to be when we were dating. So his wife actually owes me...it was probably partly my influence that made him a better person.
I guess all you guys are right and I will just let it go. I really kind of wish I had not even found his sister's xanga because then I wouldn't have even known about anything or probably even thought much about him. Isn't it funny how people think it's okay for them to move on, find someone else and get married, but it's not okay for their exes to do the same? At least, that is the impression I get. I'm sure there are some people who have nothing but happiness for their ex finding someone new, but I'm not good enough to be one of those people.

Shannon
Loving her cat Stormy and missing her angel cat Justin 1-13-09
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