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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Secret Money

I was wondering how people felt about having secret money that your significant other does not know about? That is - if you are dependant on your wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend? This includes men as well as women since some men stay home or the ones with part time jobs now.

I used to think badly of people who used to keep secret nest eggs behind their spouses or partner's backs. Usually they kept these just in case their husband/wife left them. I always thought that they weren't being truthful... and worst of all weren't trusting in each other enough... like they were dooming themselves in their relationship.

But after seeing/hearing about horrible things that happen to dependants... it makes me really worry sometimes. One of my friends found out she might not be able to have a baby... so her husband wanted nothing to do with her... sold her things and took her money. One of my guy-friends had a credit card with his wife... and she ran up his credit card before she left him. My husband's dad did the same credit-card-game with his mother. I've even seen my uncle turn his back on my aunt when she needed him... and they were married for over 20 years. I never would have believed he could act that way... and I've known him my whole life. It was just... shocking to see I guess. And I've read the horror stories here on the catforum. It's like... no one sees it comming... and then they have no time to sort out their lives before everything is over (sorry if I am upsetting anyone who has had these problems recently).

And now I feel like a huge hypocrite! After blabbing all that stuff about trusting the one you love... I'm thinking about keeping my old account and putting a little money up every so often (like $5-20 every month maybe?)

I do trust him though, because I believe he is trying to put as much into this into this marriage as I am... if not more than me. I love him, and trust him with all my things, my pets and myself included... but do I if I am thinking this?

Is it wrong to want to keep a little money on the side? Just in case something weird happens?
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 03:34 PM
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I don't think it's odd...that money can be useful IF he left you in some way (he could perish, or get brain damage ) but also for gift buying, that way he doesn't have to know how much you spent.

I'm thinking about having an account all to myself, and I want Brandon to do the same, but we'd have a joint account too.

I say that honestly, it's up to the people involved. Do what you feel is right.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 03:48 PM
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I'd recommend it....obviously I wouldn't be in the situation I am in now if I had been more deligent about putting money into my account. It took me a long time to set up the account for the reasons you are saying....I didn't want to seem that I was setting the relationship up for failure or planning on leaving him. Eventually I did start putting money into an account. I wasn't the best about putting money into it and that I regret.

I look at it like you never know what can or will happen. I never imagined I would be in the middle of a messy break up, left with no money or a place to go. You can always use the money as your own money if you wanted. I know after 35 yrs of marriage my mom still has money that my dad doesn't know about. That way she can spend without arguing

I never told Nick about saving money, because I didn't want to argue about it. He tells me now that I should of had a back up plan...JERK.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 03:48 PM
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It's a great way to have a fund for special gifts. When you finish school and get a job, I would definitely start a savings account, not enough to deprive the houshold, but money that wouldn't be missed. Then if something special comes up, you'll have the money. Also, as a couple, remember to pay yourselves first. You won't miss the money, and small amounts build!

My mom literally hid money in sugar bowl! My dad was really careful about money, so she had a little fund for school clothes etc., and paid the bill every month. I found out when I was an adult that Daddy knew all along, but never said anything!


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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 03:58 PM
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I think if one partner doesn't have their own income, i.e. "dependent" on the other, then the one with the income should give some to the other to use however they see fit. That's over and above what's alloted for running the household plus personal care. How much, of course, depends on how much disposable income there is after expenses. And I suppose it's OK to keep the excess from the allotment for the household budget. Call this a "secret stash" if you will. There's no need for the other to know what use it's put to.

I don't think that one partner should appropriate money from the other without their knowledge and consent for any reason. This seems to me to be a breach of trust. Perhaps even an outright falsehood. It can't do a relationship any good.

If the dependent partner feels inadequately provided for, there needs to be some serious discussion. There might be a lack of understanding on one side or the other.

If both are working, I think the "ours" -- "mine" -- "yours" division of funds can avoid a lot of arguments about how money is spent.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 04:04 PM
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I have my own secret account. Actually my mom's name is on it too so its joint. I started putting money away when my husband starting going to the bar many nights a week and the bank account started to go down. I don't think it is strange. I am looking out for my well being. I do not want to be left high and dry. I have my own credit card and he has his. I cannot charge on his and he can't charge on mine.

You need to do what makes you feel comfortable.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Jeanie
My mom literally hid money in sugar bowl! My dad was really careful about money, so she had a little fund for school clothes etc., and paid the bill every month. I found out when I was an adult that Daddy knew all along, but never said anything!
That's so adorable and loving!

I don't think it's right to hide money from your significant other. It's a breach of trust. I think if your partner knew you had your own account for emergencies and extra spending money and such it would be okay, but I don't think it's right to hide something from a loved one that you're supposed to be sharing your life with.

You don't have to tell them that it's incase they ever leave you. Just say it's incase of an emergency.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 06:26 PM
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Both of us have secret money.

However, one way or another, all the money goes to our cats.

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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 06:39 PM
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Well Erik and I have separate checking accounts right now...but when we get married we're going to have a joint one as well.

When I get my tax returns back this year I'm opening a savings account, money just to save and have. I've told Erik, I don't feel the need to hide it from him...but yes, I'd like to have my "own" money on the side just in case.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-23-2005, 09:04 AM
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On one hand I feel there are some trust issues with this, but on the other hand look at how many people get screwed over. I love my fiance and I honestly don't believe he would not do anything like that. I keep a stash of money for emergencies like car trouble, high doctors bills, etc. If somthing happened where I needed to leave then I would use that money. If your SO would be offended by you having your own money, then you need to consider if he/she has control issues.
In my relationship we keep a 100% honesty policy. If I felt I had to hide things from D then I wouldn't trust him enough to marry him. That's just my 2 cents. =)
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