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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, California
Posts: 1,068
Hello...Please leave your....

Here's something to put on your answering machine.

Clint


“Hi. Now you say something.”
**************
“Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”
**************
You know what I hate about answering machine messages. They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That is why I have decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
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(Drawling granny voice Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’ have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ‘em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
**************
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.
**************
Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
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Hi, this is John’s answering machine. He’s not here, but I’m open to suggestions.
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Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
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Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
**************
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
**************
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
**************
(Very fast Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please
press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your
number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star,
press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you
want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice,
spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

**************
This is not an answering machine—this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
**************
(In a bored voice Heaven, God speaking... Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
**************
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.
**************
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
**************
Hello. I’m home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
**************
I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
**************
I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
**************
Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
**************
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I’m home right now, and in a moment, I’ll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I’ll be thinking about it...
**************
Bob here. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
**************
This is Dan Cassidy’s answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I’ve doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
**************
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
**************
Hello, this is David. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won’t.
**************
(Deadpan voice Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I’ll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
**************
Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
**************
Hello, this is Ron. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
**************
We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
**************
You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
**************
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep... I don’t exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I’ll call you back when I am...
**************
I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.
**************
I don’t want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it’s a dream, or maybe it’s an illusion, or maybe YOU don’t really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it’s reality, I will call you back.
**************
I’m not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn’t take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don’t leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
**************
I have about 200 hundred more of these but tis in ENOUGH for now!

**Your Portion Of Light**

Whether you are a brilliant flame or
but a tiny spark matters not-for the world needs whatever portion of light is yours to give.

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 04:43 PM
ZAR
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Yes, LOL
hey nice ideas
Funny ones to.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 04:50 PM Thread Starter
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Location: Santa Rosa, California
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I'll post some more of these another day when i have more time to EDIT then for the nasty bits!

**Your Portion Of Light**

Whether you are a brilliant flame or
but a tiny spark matters not-for the world needs whatever portion of light is yours to give.

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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 04:55 PM
ZAR
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You mean the typos? LOL
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 05:15 PM
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Very funny, Clint. I'd like to see the look on the faces of those who get one of these messages!




Jeanie

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A dog, I have always said, is prose; a cat is a poem. ~Jean Burden
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 05:22 PM
Cool Cat
 
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A few years ago I found this really hilarious tape of answering machine messages you just re-record onto the machine. This was the one I used:

Really evil-sounding man's voice: Hello. This answering machine is wired to an adorable little kitten.
(Sound of a small kitten crying in terror)
Really evil-sounding man: Hanging up without leaving a message will complete the circuit and fry the kitty!
(Crackling electricity)
Really evil sounding man: It's your choice. What will you do?
*BEEEEEP*

I had to quit using it because no one left a message!
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Location: Santa Rosa, California
Posts: 1,068
Quote:
Originally Posted by HEYHWA
You mean the typos? LOL
Nooooooooo........I MEAN the NASTY BITS! Oh lord there are some hot ones too!

**Your Portion Of Light**

Whether you are a brilliant flame or
but a tiny spark matters not-for the world needs whatever portion of light is yours to give.

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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 07:04 PM
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Clint, you are very terrible, you know? Ugh! Men!

Jeanie,
Are you still sending people to the corner? If I get to nominate, it's Clint!

*~*~*Megan*~*~
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 10:09 PM
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lol~

I don't have an answering machine myself, but I do have a cell phone with voicemail. After repeatedly trying to make my own voicemail message, I just ended up using the generic lady saying the generic message.

Anyway, here's a tip! Never leave your name or phone number on your answering machine. Well, I guess your first name might be okay, but not your last name! Same thing for your mailbox. Don't leave your name plastered on it because it just makes burglars' lives easier! I saw on a tv show that a burglar will stake out your house that way and find your phone number ... call to make sure you're not home and then go for the kill.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 03-06-2006, 10:18 PM
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Mind if I use a few, these are too funny.

My sister's message is "it's obvious"

Shari
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