Hello....Please leave your....PART 2 - Cat Forum : Cat Discussion Forums
 
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-07-2006, 08:10 PM Thread Starter
Cool Cat
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, California
Posts: 1,054
Hello....Please leave your....PART 2

Hi folks,

Here are the rest of those phone messages I was talking about in my other post.

Clint
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This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.
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(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I’m a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll... Uh, I’ll post it on the fridge where he’ll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
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If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
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I’m writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
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(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can’t come to the phone right now because he’s DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he’ll call you back.
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Tim’s dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we’ll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
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(Drunken voice You have reached Bob’s hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won’t be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
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Hello, this is Marlin’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
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I can’t come to the phone now, so... Hey—that’s a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don’t you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
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(Ominous electronic background music In honor of Halloween, I’m about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you’re a virgin, in which case, why don’t you stop by? SINT MIHI DEIACHERONTIS PROPITII...
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Science fiction Bridge, Kirk here. Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?
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(Star Trek theme in the background (Voice 1 Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2 These are the messages of Chad’s answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.(Voice 3 To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. Hello, you’ve reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
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(Darth Vader voice Speak, worm!
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Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. He’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
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A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.
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You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
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Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.
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Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
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Brevity I’m gone.
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(Klingon voice ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
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This is David. Talk to me.
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You have reached 555-6238. Why? This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know- what you-know-when.
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You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.
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You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
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This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)
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(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice Don’t you ever wonder what life would be like? ...
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(For Shakespeare lovers only So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I’ll get back to thee.
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This is 234-3249, and no, it’s not Pete’s Pizzaria. It’s not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.
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Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
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Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren’t home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin’ up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.) Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here’s a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
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(Recorded during a party HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB- BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB yeah!! we’re having a party!! come on over! B mike’s not home right now!! Look out! E Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. E Was that the phone ringing? P
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(A friend was at a mutual friend’s sister’s house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded Hi, this is Kathy. I’m not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I’ll get back to you when I’m feeling better.
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These words are lovely dark and deep But I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.
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Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
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“Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?”
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Thanks for calling Dial-An-A**hole. Right now, all our a**holes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we’ll have an a**hole return your call as soon as possible.
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Thank you for calling Santa’s workshop. Santa can’t come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we’ll get back to you!
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C’mon...you can do it...just a little one. That’s the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon...good boy...here we go...like this—beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c’mon...There you go!
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Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren’t ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
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Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave’um message after little smoke signal,and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
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[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.
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[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator’s not in now—he’s out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly—some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I’ll get back to thee later, righty-right.
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Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
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[Sung to the tune of “Ride of the Valkyries”] Leave me a message...leave me a message....etc.
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Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain....
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Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72.... This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
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No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
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This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today’s password. Today’s password is BABY BOOTIES.
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Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing. We can’t come to the phone now because we’re out proselytizing heathens, so please leave your name and number.
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After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.
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The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
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Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll...don’t even think about it!....Don’t....!
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This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....
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I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
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How do you leave a message on this thing? I can’t understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is acetylcholinesterase {or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}
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Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor’s ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not commit a bear...dern...
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{Must have good Australian accent] G’day mate. Can’t come to the phone now because I’m a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I’ll get back to you.
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[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage—my shoulders really could use it, and, what? You’re only supposed to leave a MESSAGE?
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Darn....Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana ‘im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas’
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If these don't keep you busy for a while I GIVE UP!

Ciao!

**Your Portion Of Light**

Whether you are a brilliant flame or
but a tiny spark matters not-for the world needs whatever portion of light is yours to give.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-07-2006, 08:33 PM
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Can't...........breathe.................
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-07-2006, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
Cool Cat
 
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Location: Santa Rosa, California
Posts: 1,054
Great!.......We all need to laugh SOMETIME! Glad I could tickle ya a wee bit!

**Your Portion Of Light**

Whether you are a brilliant flame or
but a tiny spark matters not-for the world needs whatever portion of light is yours to give.

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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-07-2006, 08:47 PM
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I remembered my high school debate coach had a really interesting message about autumn leaves, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 02:31 PM Thread Starter
Cool Cat
 
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Posts: 1,054
Quote:
Originally Posted by shengmei
I remembered my high school debate coach had a really interesting message about autumn leaves, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is.
They say the mind is the first thing to go!

**Your Portion Of Light**

Whether you are a brilliant flame or
but a tiny spark matters not-for the world needs whatever portion of light is yours to give.

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