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How do I know if she loves me?

8K views 58 replies 16 participants last post by  Huge 
#1 ·
I love my little cat to death, she's my little baby and I could not imagine I would love a little furry creature as much as I love her.

Lately I've been wondering, does she have any idea I love her? Other than the fact that I give her food and attention, does she appreciate me?

She can be a sweetheart sometimes, but like any cat, she gets annoyed every once in a while and bites me. She bites me more than any other person in her life. Is it because I sepnd more time with her than annyone else, or because I really anoy her sometimes.

What are some of the signs that cats give when they love a person? I want to know that this is not only a one-sided affection. HOw do you know if your cat loves you?
 
#2 ·
She bites you more than any other person? Ummmmmm......would these be what we call "love-bites" that she's giving you? Question answered. :lol:

PS - you should discourage your cat from biting you even if they're love bites and you need the reassurance. Search the forum on the keyword "biting" and I'm sure you'll find a lot of threads about the subject. :)

PPS - and what if it was one-sided? Do you have a cat because of what the cat can give you? Or because of what you can give the cat? Or maybe some of both? And if it wasn't an even exchange, would that make a difference?

PPPS - and don't you wish I'd stop asking all these annoying questions? :D
 
#3 ·
aquino46 said:
She bites me more than any other person in her life.
You always hurt the one you love the most! :lol:

Seriously, signs of kitty affection include rubbing up against you to mark you and claim you as hers. Head butts, purring, seeking petting. Greeting you with tail straight in the air. Presenting her butt to you to sniff is a great honor. Sleeping with you. Responding to her name, even if it's just looking at you and not actually coming when called. Occasionally listening to you when you tell her to do (or not) something. If she goes outside, bringing you disgusting presents. Grooming you. And more....

Not all cats do all these things, but some combination of these things are pretty good indicators that they kinda like you :lol:
 
#4 ·
That's the thing, she sends mixmessages. One of the saddest things for me is that she doesn't sleep with me at night. Before I go to sleep, she usually stays next to my bed and watches me as I watch TV. But when I wake up in the morning or the middle of the night, she's never there. Whenever I take a nap during the day though, she usually would cuddle with me.

She doest go out, but once she brought me a torn and broken hairband she had destruyed and placed it next to my bed.. I don't know if it means anything, or am I just trying to read into things.
 
#5 ·
These are only "mixed messages" if you're a human. Don't worry, your cat loves you just fine, and also knows and appreciates your affection. You might benefit from learning more about how cats think and how they communicate. Doodlebug gave you a short list. If she told you everything she knows, she'd have to write a book. Maybe she has. Doodle, have you published anything? :lol:

Seriously, though, learning more about your cat, how she thinks, and how she communicates, will be very rewarding for you both. Then you wouldn't think things like "one of the saddest things for me is that she doesn't sleep with me at night." Because you are reading in things that aren't there, things you're reading in because you're thinking in terms of human thoughts and actions. :)
 
#6 ·
What Tim said...cats almost never give mixed messages to each other. It's only humans that seem to get the message muddled. IMO, a cat's world extends about as far as the tips of its whiskers, and their motto is "and this affects me how?" They're not really conscious of the human need for validation and affirmation, and even if they were, they probably wouldn't care too much. "Not my problem" is also a big cat motto.

Maybe your cat is a "night prowler" who tends to sleep more in the daytime and spends the night poking around and looking out the window. I think it's nice that she sits and watches you until you go to sleep...think of it as her "tucking you in" (in human terms). Once she knows where you are, and that you're staying there, she feels free to go off and do her thing. What is important is that you recognize your cat's "usual" behavior, and will notice and investigate if she suddenly starts deviating from that.

How do I know my cat "loves" me? I don't really think in those terms...I know that Assumpta is very bonded to me in a certain way, but I try not to impose human language and definitions on her. She is what she is...sometimes she treats me like a kitten, sometimes she treats me like her momcat, sometimes she treats me as a mere companion cat, and sometimes she treats me like an adversary cat. I think we fill a lot of roles for our cats, and if we try to relate to them on more catlike terms, it opens up a huge world of interesting dynamics. But first we have to let go of our "species-centric" thinking (yes, I just made that up, for lack of a better phrase). Cats just have no real use for words.
 
#7 ·
aquino46 said:
That's the thing, she sends mixmessages. One of the saddest things for me is that she doesn't sleep with me at night.
Most cats are nocturnal in nature, meaning that their primary time for activity (in the wild it would be hunting) is at night. As stated above, she isn't sending you mixed messages, she is being a cat. They confuse us, perhaps, but they aren't sending mixed messages.

aquino46 said:
Before I go to sleep, she usually stays next to my bed and watches me as I watch TV. But when I wake up in the morning or the middle of the night, she's never there.
I once had a very snooty cat. She would walk near you, twisting her body and looking adorably pettable, but one little pet was all she would take and then ZOOM she was off. She never ever slept with me, but every night, a few moments after I laid down in bed, she would jump up, walk near my head, sniff my eyes, and then be gone again. I always thought it was her tucking me in :) (when she stopped doing this, we knew she wasn't long for this world...and we were right, a few months later her kidneys gave out)

aquino46 said:
She doest go out, but once she brought me a torn and broken hairband she had destruyed and placed it next to my bed.. I don't know if it means anything, or am I just trying to read into things.
A gift of any kind that she brings you is just that, a gift. She has no idea what humans value, but perhaps she thought it looked like a nice toy, and thought you might want it.

Everything your cat does to or for you is an attempt to communicate. It's up to you to figure out what it means. When she bites you, she could be attempting to groom you, as cats do with other cats, so that means she likes you. She could also be overstimulated from the petting, and its her way of saying "hey, enough already! gimme a break!"
 
#8 ·
Here's a good sleeping example....Maggie always sleeps with me. Sometimes on top of my legs, sometime cuddled right up next to me, and sometime all the way at the foot of the bed a couple feet away from me.

Now I could interpret it as she's mad at me when she sleeps far away and she's really loving me when she's right on top of me. But the reality is that it's about warmth. If I follow the patterns, she's on top of me when it's really cold and she down at the foot of the bed underneath the ceiling fan when it's warm and various places in between depending on the temp.

So, why do I say that sleeping with me is an indicator of "love"? Because she's there every night, no matter where in the bed it is. And sleeping on top of me is an indicator of extreme trust.

Now Kobi, rarely comes up on the bed at night. He has other ways of showing his bond to me. When I sit on the couch he wants to be in my lap. Something Maggie never does.

So each cat is different in the way they express themselves. You need to understand the messages your cat is putting out and what they mean. A good book for you to read would be "Think Like a Cat" by Pam Johnson Bennett. I found it in Borders or any of the online book sources will have it.
 
#10 ·
doodlebug said:
aquino46 said:
She bites me more than any other person in her life.
You always hurt the one you love the most! :lol:

Seriously, signs of kitty affection include rubbing up against you to mark you and claim you as hers. Head butts, purring, seeking petting. Greeting you with tail straight in the air. Presenting her butt to you to sniff is a great honor. Sleeping with you. Responding to her name, even if it's just looking at you and not actually coming when called. Occasionally listening to you when you tell her to do (or not) something. If she goes outside, bringing you disgusting presents. Grooming you. And more....

Not all cats do all these things, but some combination of these things are pretty good indicators that they kinda like you :lol:
this is so interesting!! Does responding to noises count? (i dont really call their names, but they have their noises that i use, and they usually do look and/or come over). their tails are always in the air too!! (unless sleeping of course! lol)

ive been wondering lately do they love us, or how can we tell them in a way theyd understand that we love them. i mean, i kiss them all the time (on their head in between the ears lol), and pet them, but ive wondered if they know what it means. i certainly hope so!

simba has something he does... i call it 'shower lovins'. everytime after i have a shower, the minute the water stops, he meows to come in. once hes in, he nuzzles and just wants some petting/loving. my mom loves coming in to the bathroom after and seeing all the cat hair in the toilet ;) lol. she doesnt like me leaving it on the floor so i put it in the toilet. lol.
 
#12 ·
coaster said:
You washed his scent off. He's reapplying it. You're his, he wants the world to know it. ;)
could that really be why?? that would be so sweet!!

he used to sleep in bed with me sometimes, but since hes taken to playing with the cat door on my door, and now theres a towel in it at night. lol. so he cant get in. once in a while he will start out in my room, and usually leaves when i get up to pee. lol.

Boo on the other hand only slept with me when she had to be in my room after she got spayed. she fell asleep on my belly. it was too cute!! she did that every night (she was in there so she would jump less and wouldnt be bothered by the other pets). Shes not in there at night usually though because she gets up on the shelves and knocks everything down. lol.

but when im on the comptuer they both love to come see what im doing, head butts, nuzzles. sometimes ill brush them there (i think they get annoyed that i found something else to do, lol).

theyre too funny, and cute!!
 
#13 ·
Suki is funny. She isnt much of a nocturnal cat and she knows as soon as i get into bed its sleepy time, so she comes and pushes her way under my arm and gets comfy. She is a chronic 'love-biter' all through the night any piece of exposed flesh will have kitty teath sunk into it!!

As for noise well...i only have to address something in her direction to get an immediate 'brupp' response. She is quite amazing, she knows exactly when im talking to her or not, and she always replies to me buy brupping or meowing back.

Her wake up call consists of putting her face right up to mine, nose to eye then licking my eye lids (which can be a wee bit painfull) but it gets me up.

She isnt one for being picked up or sitting on knees but loves to sit next to you on the bed, on the desk, keyboard. She likes to be close but not nessasarily petted (which is why i often get nipped, cant help sneaking in secret pets).
 
#14 ·
Love is a very subjective concept. The evolutionary purpose of the set of behaviors and emotions that we call "love" is primarily self-preservation. In other words, the reason that any creature, human or cat, "loves" is because it is beneficial to their own survival or to the survival of their offspring. There is much debate as to whether humans are capable of "love" beyond this evolutionary definition, however, and I personally think that our higher functioning brains allow us to love in a way that other animals cannot.

When a cat displays behavior that we consider "affectionate" towards its owner, it does so because it has learned that displaying such behavior will result in a desired response. When your cat rubs against you or displays other behavior that you interpret as "loving", you are likely to give it food or to scratch it, and it is therefore encouraged to repeat this behavior. It's called the "Norm of Reciprocity" in Psychology, which states that we treat others well so they treat us well in return.

Sorry if I'm sounding all cold-hearted and technical, but cats simply aren't capable of the type of "love" that people generally attribute to other human beings. Their brains aren't developed enough to experience objective thought or to have any kind of self-awareness, and therefore they are limited to behaving in their own self-interest only.

This doesn't change the fact, however, that your cat's affectionate behavior towards you indicates that it feels safe and comfortable around you. Purring and rubbing up against you means that your cat looks up to you as its protector, and is fulfilled by its interactions with you. In regard to my relationship with my cat, I try to be satisfied knowing that she gives me everything that I desire (purring, head-butting, and licking), and I give her everything that she desires (scratches, food, and playing). While she may not "love" me in the same way that I love her, she "loves" me in the only way that she is capable of, which is good enough for me.
 
#15 ·
Well, yes. Loving behavior -- like everything else -- evolved so as to better pass down our genes to the next generation.

However, the fact that love has an evolutionary purpose doesn't necessarily mean that we don't really feel "love." Consider that hunger has a clear evolutionary purpose -- to make sure we get enough calories to stay alive. It doesn't follow that we don't really feel "hungry."

Similarly, we shouldn't confuse the evolutionary reason for a behavior with the reason an individual organism engages in the behavior. Consider sex. The evolutionary purpose of sex is obvious: so we procreate and pass on our genes. That's about as fundamental as it gets. However, it doesn't follow that every time an organism engages in sex, it's doing it for the purpose of procreation. Sales figures for birth control make that abundantly clear!

That said, I agree that cats don't love us the same way that we love them. They're just too different from us as a species, with a different social structure and with different mental capacities.

I do think they love us in their own feline way, though. :)

On another note, am I the only one who gets the song, "How does she know that you love her?" from Enchanted going through my head every time I see the title of this thread?
 
#17 ·
Rain13 said:
Love is a very subjective concept. The evolutionary purpose of the set of behaviors and emotions that we call "love" is primarily self-preservation. In other words, the reason that any creature, human or cat, "loves" is because it is beneficial to their own survival or to the survival of their offspring. There is much debate as to whether humans are capable of "love" beyond this evolutionary definition, however, and I personally think that our higher functioning brains allow us to love in a way that other animals cannot.

When a cat displays behavior that we consider "affectionate" towards its owner, it does so because it has learned that displaying such behavior will result in a desired response. When your cat rubs against you or displays other behavior that you interpret as "loving", you are likely to give it food or to scratch it, and it is therefore encouraged to repeat this behavior. It's called the "Norm of Reciprocity" in Psychology, which states that we treat others well so they treat us well in return.

Sorry if I'm sounding all cold-hearted and technical, but cats simply aren't capable of the type of "love" that people generally attribute to other human beings. Their brains aren't developed enough to experience objective thought or to have any kind of self-awareness, and therefore they are limited to behaving in their own self-interest only.

This doesn't change the fact, however, that your cat's affectionate behavior towards you indicates that it feels safe and comfortable around you. Purring and rubbing up against you means that your cat looks up to you as its protector, and is fulfilled by its interactions with you. In regard to my relationship with my cat, I try to be satisfied knowing that she gives me everything that I desire (purring, head-butting, and licking), and I give her everything that she desires (scratches, food, and playing). While she may not "love" me in the same way that I love her, she "loves" me in the only way that she is capable of, which is good enough for me.
Actlually, I agree with all of that (which is why I quoted the whole thing, something I seldom do). But.....being too outspoken about that on cat boards is likely to get a chilly response. Most folks on cat boards view their cats as a furry child-person. In fact, on one board, it seemed everybody but me referred to their cats as "fur-kids." Frankly, it got a little irritating. People like to anthropomorphize their pets. And because they give love, human love, they like to think they're receiving it back in kind. So, the last paragraph is your redemption. :lol: :wink:
 
#18 ·
Claiken said:
so, how can we tell them that we love them?.
You can observe what they do to show their "affection" toward you and respond in like manner. I do head butts, side-swipes, nose-bumps, eye-blinkies. I do grooming, but not with my tongue. I blow air at their butt when they present it to me; I will NOT inhale. And I do all the human stuff, too: scratchies, kissies, pets, etc etc. But don't worry about it too much. Just love them. I think they get the picture. :)
 
#20 ·
coaster said:
Claiken said:
so, how can we tell them that we love them?.
You can observe what they do to show their "affection" toward you and respond in like manner. I do head butts, side-swipes, nose-bumps, eye-blinkies. I do grooming, but not with my tongue. I blow air at their butt when they present it to me; I will NOT inhale. And I do all the human stuff, too: scratchies, kissies, pets, etc etc. But don't worry about it too much. Just love them. I think they get the picture. :)
Geez...you're just NO fun! (s'kidding...for the record, I did NOT eat the mousie)

Yeah, I also do a lot of cat things...Assumpta and I just had a little discussion about counter-surfing in which I just silently invaded her space until she made the decision to get down on her own...it's usually more effective to deal with her that way.

I wonder if it would work on my mother-in-law?
 
#22 ·
No one could stare down MIL...she would interpret it as rapt attention.

The woman asked me today about whether or not Assumpta still attacks children...I said "Uh, yeah," and noted that kids and dogs must follow the same rules when visiting...either crated or on a short leash indoors (oddly my dog friends visit occasionally, but the ones with kids stay away...which is actually fine by me).

She "tsked" at me, and asked "Well, have you tried just slapping her hard and saying NO??" 8O

Gosh, must have slipped my mind. Duh...how do you think she got the way she is, anyhow? Eight years of trying to get Assumpta semi-sane, and now I should start slapping her around? Not.

And that was just the first five minutes of conversation...it went downhill from there. :roll:

I know my cat "loves" me because every time my in-laws come in the house, Assumpta just sits there, growling softly and deliberately putting herself between MIL and me at all times. She totally goes all Momcat.
 
#23 ·
I think our kitties learn at least some human affectionate behaviors.
Just a couple of days ago I was hurting, and limping worse than usual. Arianwen looked at how I was walking, then up at me. gave me blinkies, and asked, "You alright?". My sweet kitta knew I wasn't feeling well. That night she stayed snuggled against me all night, warming my legs and back, taking away a lot of the pain. :heart

Trust me, you'll know your kitty loves you. Just by being around her and becoming accustomed to her meows and body language you will learn what she's telling you. It might take a some time to get used to, but you'll find that kitties have a lot to say. And, some of their responses are very quick, so much so that you really have to be paying attention to notice any response at all.
:eek:rcat
 
#25 ·
Those descriptions above are just too sweet. :)

I was sitting at my computer recently, dozing off and not getting anything done. I turned my chair around, put elbows on knees, head in hands, and just sat, head hanging down and half asleep for some minutes. Eventually I felt the pat-pat of little feet on my face, waking me. I swear, at least the sense I get, is that she was checking to make sure I was all right. :D
 
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