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A message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8.. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


God save the Queen.

Only He can.



John Cleese
 

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I love it LOL, I was eating an olive, I swallowed the sucker reading this one:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

Thank you that was funny! but this post should wear a warning!!
 

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Do we get all their bank holidays and vacation time?
 

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Oh my goodness! I LOVE John Cleese! What a scream. Thanks for posting. I know a couple of people who will also get a huge kick out of this. :lol:
 

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I cracked up and had to read it outloud to Pat. Too bad for all of us here in Kansas :lol:
 

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Jeanie said:
Oh, dear! We might have to have another tea party in Boston Harbor! :lol:
I'm not drinking any of that tea! Blech! :lol:
 

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Please don't tell me it's taken 20 years for this to reach you LOL.
One of the top ten funniest people in history IMO.

I could add about 20 more things there, but some of them get Americans very wound up (Baseball=Rounders, Basketball=Netball and American Football=rubgy with sissy girly shoulderpads for example).
 

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I've seen that before and always found it funny. John Cleese is excellent.

Anyway. Back to more important matters. Whats wrong with tea, Lisa? Huh? :p
 

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doodlebug said:
Do we get all their bank holidays and vacation time?
:lol: In order to get full benefit of extra holiday you need to live on the continent. We get it better than you but we don't get as much as France, or Germany as far as I am aware.

Having said that - we have two Bank Holiday coming up this month :p
 

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as long as I can put some honey in my tea I like it.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Isnt this the truth!!! Pretty sad we cant do anything now in days with out therapists and lawyers
 

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Ummm....tea made with water from Boston Harbor? There's been a big effort to clean it up, but not that big...
 

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I've always wanted to put extra u's in words. WOOHOO, I'm on board with all this.
 

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Maybe our friends from the UK do not know that the colonists threw a cargo of tea into Boston Harbor as a protest against our Mother country. It was one of the early acts of rebellion. That act became known as the Boston Tea Party. :)

http://www.let.rug.nl/~usa/E/teaparty/bostonxx.htm

Sorry, Mom!
I'm glad we're great friends, now. :)
 

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Mom wasn't fair, but she's still Mom! (And I'm half English! :wink: ) Ach, awa wi' ye, laddie! :) (and half Scottish)

You should have heard the arguments between my father and me when he read my history books! And my mother would try to stop him. "Don't start now, Bob!" But he couldn't stop, and the fun began. He really loved this country, but he said our version of history was slanted. Then he said George Washington was a traitor! Well, Jeanie got cheeky. (Of course, in the eyes of the throne, we were all traitors.)

But Mom is still Mom, and I love her!

Side by side. How's that?
 
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