I know this may be a financial stretch since you have a husband living in a nursing facility but it does sound as though its time for a behavioral intervention. Try calling the local Veterinary school at a nearby university to see if they have behavioral couceling by phone. I know Tufts vet school in Philadelphia offers this service for a fee. Do you have an SPCA near you? And do they have an animal behaviorist who can assist you? Our San Francisco SPCA just offered an afternoon seminar on senior cat issues. Among the various speakers was a doctor of veterinary medicine who specializes in animal behavior. Also, post in the behavior area on this and other cat sites to see what solutions others came up with.