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121 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
This is a forward sent to me by a friend. Thought I would share it here.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

When I say to move, I mean go someplace else, not roll over or

switch positions with another pet so that there are still two or

more of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The

other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note; placing a

paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim

for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically

pleasing in the slightest. This rule also applies to free floating

fur and whiskers.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't

help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry

about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to

ensure your comfort. Look at videos of other dogs and cats sleeping,

they actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep

perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent

possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having

tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing

but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If

by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it

is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your

paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit

through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using

bathrooms for years; canine/feline attendance, observation and

critique is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dogs' butt. I

cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Cats, you may ignore this one!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front

door... Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain

About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter

who is short, hairy, walks all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids: they eat less, don't ask for

money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,

never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't

smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't

wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Best Regards,

Your human

121 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Your welcome!!!

The part about the bed is so true. I share a queen-sized bed with my two miscreants and there is never enough room for me. Both cats are now sleeping on the pillows! I don't have a pillow!

656 Posts
That was so funny! I couldnt quit laughing, now all the cats are looking at me weird because I was actually laughing out loud!

I asm going to copy those rules and print them! I have a picture called house rules in my kitchen, so I am going to hang them next to it!

The house rules are as follows;

If you sleep on it...make it up
If you wear it...hang it up
If you eat from it...wash it
If you step on it...wipe it off
If you open it...close it
If you empty it...fill it up
If it rings...answer it
If it howls...feed it
If it it

I dont think anyone has ever even read them except me! :? :wink:
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