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Discussion Starter #1
Okay, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but there is something that's been bugging me.
Backstory: I had only one serious boyfriend before I started dating my husband. We'll call him "A". He and I dated for about 3 years off and on in high school. It obviously didn't work out and it has been...5 years or so since we broke up. Still, after the initial breakup and him getting upset about me dating husband, we would talk to each other on the phone maybe every 6 months or so, just a "hi how are you" kind of thing. This ended about 2 years ago, I thought I had his cell phone number, but lost it and he never called back. Well, I found his little sister's xanga about 1 year ago. I left a note on it saying "How is A doing?" She wrote back and said that he was well and had just gotten engaged. Then I looked on my friend's xanga and A had gotten his sister to leave a note giving his email address for her to get in touch with him. So of course I wondered how come he was trying to get in touch with her and not with me and that made me sad. :( I thought maybe it was because I had so much on my xanga about me getting married and maybe he just didn't want to deal with that...but then, he was engaged, so who cares? So anyway, he got married at the beginning of June and his sister wrote about it in her diary. And it just made my stomach drop to think about him getting married, I don't know why, it's not like I want him. It was just weird. So I left a note telling her to tell him congrats. So anyway, now I'm having dreams with A in them, just where we are talking to each other and stuff, about life, whatever.
All of this just really bugs me. I don't know why any of it is even on my mind because it shouldn't really matter to me. I thought about asking his sister for his email address, but I don't know if I want to do that. I think it's just that I miss knowing what is going on in his life and I don't want to lose contact with my "first love". I'm not sure what to do about it...it kind of ticks me off that I am having dreams about him. :x

Edit: I went back and looked at his sister's xanga, I had left her a message back giving her my email address to give to A and said he could drop me a line if he wanted. So I don't know. :?
 

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I'm pretty sure everyone deals with this with their first love, expecially if they maintained a sort of friendship afterwards.

I don't really have any advice to give, except to be happy for him that he is happy, and i hope that you are happy with your man now too.

Get in touch with him if you want, but don't do it if it's only going to be mindless chit chat with your nerves on the line.
 

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My first real boyfriend (maybe love) was when I was 14. He moved away when I was 16. We kept in touch for awhile, but that was many, many years ago.

I still wonder how he is, sometimes. Twenty-plus years have passed, I have a wonderful husband that I love with all of my heart and am not interested in resuming any contact with my "A" :wink: I just wonder.

I think it is natural, and normal. A first love is very special to any girl/woman and we always hear the saying "you never forget your first love". I think that is true.

Your first love is a special part of your past. Your future husband is your now and forever. It's okay to wonder, and natural for these memories to surface in dreams. It only means that you are human and a caring person. If you want to get in touch again, and he and his wife, as well as your fiance are okay with it, it shouldn't be a problem, as long as it is kept in perspective.

As time passes, this will not seem so intense. Just remember where you future lies... :wink:
 

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I think those feelings are totally normal. Just don't dwell on them, and instead concentrate on the life that you have now.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I think the way I posted this was confusing. I put future husband because he was not my husband at the time, but he is now. :) Anyway, I am very happy with him, so there's no issue with that.
I think mainly it just upsets me that "A" didn't/doesn't seem to want to be in touch with me. And that somehow means that what we had wasn't special to him or something. I don't know...that is just what I've been mulling over today. I mean, I gave his sister my email address and he never emailed me, so maybe it's just not even worth it and I need to forget about it. It just bugs me because I don't know why he doesn't want to be in touch with me now.
I just can't stand it when I start having dreams like that because I have had mutilple other things in my life where I keep dreaming about them over and over until I somehow "resolve" whatever it is.
So I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point.
 

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Remember he is not the person
you knew when you were together.
Youve both grown, changed, and
moved on. He is a different person.
If you met him today you might not
even like him. That is the way it is
with my old "first love". Our lives
and values have turned out so different.
 

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It is quite possible he didn't email out of respect to his wife. Do you think you would be hurt/offended if your hubby's first love started exchanging emails? I know I would! :wink:

Maybe just chatting about it here will be enough for you to find closure and resolve those feelings. I understand that it hurts to feel shunned, but there could be a lot of reasons he either chose not to or didn't get your message to email.

Don't let it bother you...the dreams will stop whether he contacts you or not. It's probably best he doesn't actually...I don't really see anything positive coming out of it. It would probably just cause confusion and mix up feelings even more.

It will be okay. I promise :D
 

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I don't know what to say...

Ex-boyfriends are always trouble. I just feel blessed that I found the right guy the first time I tried.

I obviously can't give you any advice. I wish you well.
 

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I also agree not to push it. I would be totally irritated if my husband contacted his "first love". In addition, I would never contact someone from my past if there was even the slightest hint of upsetting or hurting my husband. There is no way I would mess up anything in my current life just to say hello to someone in my past life. Maybe A not contacting you has nothing to do with you, but has everything to do with his new life.

I would drop it and not take it personal.

As a side note - I can't help but feel weird when I see an ex with a new girl. Even if I don't want them, I don't like seeing someone else with them. I can't explain the feeling - it just happens. (I am in a great marriage and have been with DH for almost 7 years.) So, I sort of know what you are going through. I think it is only natural.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Well, honestly I would not mind if my husband contacted his first love, but I also know her and was once friends with her. It's kind of a different situation since all of us all grew up in the same small town and know each other and also my husband would not view A as a threat. After all, I picked my new relationship with him, over A wanting me back after we broke up. But anyway.
I can sort of see why his new wife (fiance at the time I gave his sister my email address) would make him not want to contact me, although he was talking to me all while I was dating my husband and that was not an issue. And it's funny what you said, Mitts and Tess, because actually, after we split, he became much more the person I had wanted him to be when we were dating. So his wife actually owes me...it was probably partly my influence that made him a better person. :wink: :D
I guess all you guys are right and I will just let it go. I really kind of wish I had not even found his sister's xanga because then I wouldn't have even known about anything or probably even thought much about him. Isn't it funny how people think it's okay for them to move on, find someone else and get married, but it's not okay for their exes to do the same? :) At least, that is the impression I get. I'm sure there are some people who have nothing but happiness for their ex finding someone new, but I'm not good enough to be one of those people. :twisted:
 

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Discussion Starter #11
*WARNING* VENT IN PROGRESS!
So what's up with him giving my friend his email address? He dated her for several months...she was actually his "first" girlfriend. So they were not as serious as us, but if he doing/not doing what he is "out of respect for his wife" then why the heck would he get in contact with her?! Granted, I don't think she actually emailed him, but I'm not sure. That is messed up...he will contact her but not me. I guess he liked her better or something. :evil: :evil: :x :evil: :evil:
 

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My ex bf wanted to get back with me after we broke up. Maybe he is not wanting to talk to you b/c there is too much feelings and it'll make him hurt knowing what could of happened if you stayed together or he wants you back in a way. That's the way my ex was and that's why we don't talk anymore. I don't like talking to him anyway, b/c I feel funny and awkward.... 8)
 

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I still have these thoughts about my first love (the mythological X). We used to run into each other once every 6 months and then I would hear he broke up with his girlfriend :? . After it happened 3 times I decided to try not to bump into him again 'cause I will always love him somewhere in my heart and I want him to be happy.

SO - I haven't seen him for YEARS and then ran into him again and boy was I shocked - we are total strangers! It is really sad ('cause in my dreams he still waits for me…) and I will still always love him because of the memories (are they even accurate???), but that is life - and there is a reason we moved on. I wouldn't want to be in touch with him now 'cause 1 - it will ruin the myth and 2 - because of the memories I might get in trouble... don't know if it makes any sense but that is how I handle the X issue. 8O

And by the way - I don't think he likes his "first" girlfriend better than you... I would assume she just didn't hurt him as much as you did...
 

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I sometimes remember my first big love, when I was 17. Boy, I would have been to the end of the world with him.... Let's call him JP.

My parents had a country house in a town of about 2000 inhabitants and there was a ball every weekend. The guys who lived around would come and pick the girls up and we'd all go dancing and have great fun.

JP used to live in that city and was going out with a girl who lived in Paris. Like me, her parents owned a country house which was not far from mine. So we'd all gather together and meet every weekend.

Her parents would come to this town only every 15 days while I would come with mine every weekend. So on the weekends she was absent, JP would come to pick me up on his own. On the first weekend in which he came to fetch me on his own, I didn't find anything wrong to that. We were just friends.

At the ballroom, he didn't stop teasing me and I did the same. It was just a game. I had no idea in mind. But I fell into the trap and by the end of the night, I had fallen in love (but I hadn't realized yet).

On the second weekend in which she was absent, I would come over and JP would systematically come to fetch me. That's when we realized what was happening to us but I didn't want to go out with him. I had never cheated on anybody and by respect for his girlfriend, even if she wasn't really a friend of mine, I didn't want this to occurr. I had always been against unfaithfulness. And he too was trying to stay faithful. But the third time we went dancing and that she was absent, we could no longer resist.

I never loved a man so much. I would have married him right away if he had asked me. But I was a minor and I was about to move to Argentina. I simply couldn't stay in France on my own.

So we had to break up and I can say that I have never cried on a man so much. I spent 3 whole days crying on him. In the end, I couldn't even open my eyes when I'd get up. My eyelashes were sticked by the dried tears.

When I went to live in Argentina, though he had stayed with his girlfriend, he kept on writing to me for a year and he even called me up once. I kept him in my dreams for many years. He wasn't perfect of course, but he was to my eyes. And I must say that I still think of him yet. I sometimes wonder what he's become. I'd even be glad to meet him to ask him. I guess it's normal because these people represent a very important period of our life that we can't erase. A period in which we have been happy and in which we have discovered so many things, including strong feelings.

I don't think it's wrong to even keep on seeing someone like that as long as you no longer have any other ideas than friendship concerning them. Of course, if you think like maybe starting over with that person, that's different....
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Okay, so last I heard "A" was living somewhere in the path of where the hurricane will hit. So it made me think about him and I did a few web searches. I found a picture of him and his wife and I found out her middle name is the same as my first name. Weird huh?

Edit to say: I think he is still in the Coast Guard...so hopefully he will be okay.
 

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One interesting observation...I don't really like the contact my bf has with his ex-gf (/first love), but also feel like he shouldn't have a problem with me having occasional contact with one of my exes. I think this stems from me knowing exactly what happened in my relationship and why my ex is not a threat to our relationship but not having the same confidence about his and how he might feel about her exactly. This applies equally to the ex's wife not liking him talking to me (since i know better than she does that i'm not a threat to her).
The other thing i wanted to share is that the aforementioned ex, after promising that we would always be friends no matter whether we broke up or not, started seeing someone else and sent me a rude and accusatory e-mail cutting off contact. I was hurt because i thought his accusations were unfair and cutting off contact meant that i didn't have a chance to defend myself, plus i had hoped we were past the acrimonious stage of the break-up. Anyway, i decided to respect his request and didn't contact him. A year later i got an apologetic e-mail. Now we talk periodically just about how our families are doing and what we are up to and it is familiar and comfortable to interact with him and doesn't upset me in the least. But without the year of not speaking i'm not sure that would have been possible.
Anyway, i guess what i'm trying to say is that if you are patient and give him time he may come back to you as the friend you wish he was now. Honestly though, the more you dwell on his (perceived) rejection of you (you don't know what his sister did with your e-mail, and it shouldn't matter anyway since the one you want to love you is married to you) the more it will bother you and the longer it bothers you the more it will bother you that it bothers you...and so on, ad nauseum. Try to accept that he might be gone from your life forever and then, if he does contact you, you will be in a better position to protect both your marriage and your friendship.
Sorry if this post is long and preachy, it's just that i've thought about this stuff a lot in the past...
f
 

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Discussion Starter #18
linguafranca, you hit the nail on the head. The perceived rejection bothers me and then it bothers me that it bothers me, because why should it bother me? :?
I felt really foolish when I found out he was not living on the Gulf Coast anymore (his family has a public message board I had forgotten about) but then I found out a day later he had been sent there to help yesterday.
Anyway, I think most of my problems stem from #1 I have always been too attached to my past. I was sorting wedding pictures yesterday and it made me sad that that part of my life was over, even though I should be focusing on my future. (I try.) #2 This guy gave me a lot of rejection through the years (we broke up 3 times) and then he wanted me back. I guess I enjoyed the feeling that even though he had rejected me before, that he wanted me back later, and even later than that, as a casual friend. It somehow made the whole 3 year ordeal with him seem more "worth it" because at least I knew that I had or did mean something to him.
I do not think I will email him because I would not want the rejection if his sister told me he didn't want to give me the address or if I emailed him and he did not email back. Plus, even if I email him, it will not tell me what I want to know....why he does not want to be in contact with me anymore, does he still remember me and do I still hold a small place in his heart as his first love.
Again, I do not know why it matters to me and it bothers me that it does. It's so stupid and just like when we were dating...I felt like I always cared more than he did.
I'm trying to be careful with this...I know I have to protect my marriage and protect my heart. I just have no idea how to "turn off" my feelings and thoughts about the whole thing.
I will say one thing...I am thankful that I did not have any other serious boyfriends before my husband. :)
 

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I still dream of my first love and I secretly get nervous around him (we have a child in common) so we still see one another on occasions.
It has been 20 years ago!
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Well, I finally got contact from him. I joined MySpace a few months ago and I guess now he has too. He sent me a PM that was very casual.
Subject: Good to see your doing well
Body: Hope your doing fine, bet the weather is better for you down there than it is up here.

And that's it. :?
I'd like to PM back and ask for his email address so we can catch up, but I don't know if I should, based on the very casual note he left. We both have basic info about ourselves on our myspaces, where we live, who we married, what we do, etc. I'd just like to chat with him, how his family is doing (he has a large family I was kinda close to), his involvement in hurricane rescue, etc.
I still have the dreams on occassion and it still ticks me off.
So what kind of message should I send back?
 
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