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Discussion Starter #1
I have trying to move on, but it is so hard when I keep feeling so guilty and sad. I miss Patches so much. My husband keeps telling me that I need to stop crying and start moving on. Anytime I try to talk to him, he gets mad at me. I can't help it....I feel so guilty because I didn't really know what was causing Patches to have accidents. And nothing was stopping him from having accidents.

How do you get past the guilt and start accepting it? When we gave our other cat (KC) some catnip, I got really sad because I thought of Patches and how much he loved catnip. It made him so happy to roll in it.

I have tried talking to some friends, but one of them doesn't have pets and doesn't understand. The other doesn't like cats and said "well, now you are down one cat". That really hurt my feelings when she said that. I tried to talk to my husband about that and he just shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

I beginning to think that there is something wrong with me. Thanks for listening.

Shannon
 

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There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You've lost a member of your family and it's perfectly normal to for you to feel the way you do. I'm sorry that your husband and friend don't seem to understand. People who don't view cats as a family member often have a difficult time understanding.

If it would help you to share some stories or pictures of Patches with us, then please do. We love to hear about him and see the pictures. :patback
 

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There is nothing wrong with this at all! you lost someone you love and you are mourning, nothing wrong or to be shamed for.

I never spoke to anyone, I talked to my friends and I got no support, only laughs and "well, great! Now you can get a new cat!", some friends. So I never moved on, I still cry over my baby, he was so young, but there was nothing to be done. It was all my fault. I feel terrible, because if he had gone in sooner, he could have had chemo and lived.


RIP Patches. You will be missed.

I would love a photo, if you have one :). How is KC taking it? Many animals go into a depression and need tending to when their best bud dies. I hope that he doesn't though.
 

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Don't feel guilty. Patches had a good life with you, and you did what you could for him.

I have lost many, many animals. In some cases, I still feel guilty because there's always that "maybe if I had done this instead of that" nagging at the back of my mind.

Chemo makes animals feel much the same as people who are on it -- not very good. Patches might not have responded positively to the chemo and still ended up passing away.

It is my belief that animals have souls and do go to a much better place when they pass on. Sometimes, it is that belief alone that makes it easier for me to say goodbye and deal with my grief.
 

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You shouldn't feel guilty. You gave Patches your best and I'm sure he understood and loves you for the life you gave him and the gift of freedom at the end.

There's nothing wrong with you. Your husband should be more understanding. I can't say much for a 'friend' that would be so thoughtless with a comment such as that. You love Patches and miss him. There's nothing wrong with that and I can empathize. I would be inconsolable if I lost Mow.

When I had to put my 16 year old dog, Mini, down I went through a serious bout of depression. I'd been there when she was whelped and hand raised her (she was a runt). She was my angel, child, parent, and best friend all rolled into one through my icky teen years and through college. I didn't think I'd *EVER* get over losing her. I still cry each time I think about her too much or look at her picture too long.

It's been less than a week that you've been grieving. Only time can help and then the pain will fade a bit and you'll have the wonderful memories of Patches to soothe the ache that lingers. I still get teary and laugh out loud when I think of the times the vet would visit the house socially and Mini would wait behind the kitchen trash can and the moment he'd turn his back she'd tear across the floor and grab him on the backside. Or the night we got robbed and the person went into the bathroom and she laid in front of the doorway and attacked him each time he tried to leave. By the time we got home he was terrorized and his shoes/pants were all shredded (but he was still in the bathroom).

I'm sure KC misses Patches as well and the two of you could be a great comfort to each other right now. Don't let anyone tell you that there's something wrong with you.
<<hugs>>
 

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hi soccergrl,

I can't say I followed the thread (s) narrating Patches' deteriorating condition, but from what others have posted, it sounds as if you did everything you could to care for him, make sure he was comfortable, and for Patches to know he was loved. I think at the end of the day that is the most we can possibly do for our furry friends....the best possible gift we can give them.

As far as getting over things. You will get over it in your own time. Don't ever let anyone tell you what or when you are supposed to feel anything, my dear. You will heal at your own pace and this is all still very fresh. You have every right to feel the way you do and to want to share your feelings with others who understand what you are going through (which is where we come in ;) ).

From personal experience, I can tell you I once lost the most loving orange boy when I was quite young, back in my tweens. He got Feline Leukemia from another female cat I had at the time. She was a carrier, but never got the full blown disease. Back then, testing wasn't as available as it is now and I watched him waste away to nothing until he had to be put down. Because of other circumstances beyond my control, I lost my other cat as well. It was so very heartbreaking. I could not open my heart to another cat until about a year ago. That was well over 20+ years ago. It took me that long to fully get over not only losing him, but the guilt that came with it. But, what I do feel is that he taught me how strong and beautiful the bond between a cat and a human can be. It was his legacy and it was just for me!

We are here for you in your time of grief...share on :patback
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you for your kind words and for your support. They are really helping me. I'm glad that I can come here during my grieving. I think that I am having a hard time because Patches was the first animal that I had ever had to make a decision about. When I lived at home, it was my mom that had to do that. I just didn't know how much hurt and guilt I would have by being the person that had to make that decision. Especially when Patches was still eating and drinking tons of water.

I am trying to learn from this because I know that I will have to go through it 2 more times. I just hope that the decision will easier with having a diagnosis for any illness that they may get.

KC was looking for Patches on Saturday night, but other than that he seems to be okay. He seems to be a little bit more laid back now that Patches is gone. Patches would always start fights with him. Plus Patches was 10 lbs heavier than KC. He definitely ruled the roost in our house and KC and Samantha (our dog) knew it. I have been trying to give them lots of extra hugs because it has been helping me to cope a little bit. I did give Patches the bulk of my hugs when he was alive. He was so sweet to me but was irritable with KC, Samantha and sometimes my kids.

I will have to look for some pictures to post of all of my animals.

Thanks for listening again.

Shannon
 

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I am so sorry for your loss. The way I see it you shouldn't necessarily be trying to "move on" so much as trying to cope. Moving on might imply getting a new kitty, which as you noted is a painful and unappealing idea. Instead, find someone you can talk to about the situation. You mentioned that your husband is not receptive, which is unfortunate, but there are other options. If you have no pet loving friends you can turn to there are always professionals who are well trained to help you with this grief. If you do get to talk to someone, try to bring up some of the happiest memories you have with Patches. Yes, those will hurt the most, but you'll find you have an ironic smile on your face while the tears are streaming down. I'm not going to lie to you, the process is not going to be easy, but you can stack the odds in your favor if you find an understanding individual to help you cope and converse with about your feelings.

I wish you the best, I know that this is beyond hard for you. RIP Patches!
 

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I really know where you're coming from, and there is nothing wrong with you, sweetie. I also get that "just move on, you still have a cat" thing everywhere when I express that I miss the cats i've had to put down. The fact that you are capable of such love is something alot of people will never understand, but those that do respect you dearly for your ability to love so endlessly.

Patches was a beautiful cat, and I feel your grief. And if YOU are not ready to move on, no one has the right to tell you to do so. You need to be able to grieve to move on. Allow yourself to do that, no matter how "dramatic" the people around you think you are. It's not their business, quite frankly. And use this place as much as you can. I know we don't know each other, but you can always drop me a line if there is anything you feel I can help you with. Take your time, grieve, and one day, you will be able to have your heart fill with love and happy memories, not clouded by grief. But it takes time, so don't push yourself.

Sleep tight, Patches.
 

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Sounds perfectly normal to me. There's no easy way to get through it.

One of our cats when I was growing up was named Nermal. He had been sick with a bad kidney infection once, but pulled through. We always knew that could affect his health down the road, but we'd had so many warning signs the first time he was sick, we figured we'd know.

My dad gets up at 4 because he works really early. One morning he got up and Nermal had gotten horribly sick overnight. My dad sat with him, intending to take him to the vet as soon as they were open. He didn't make it that long. My mom and I had had a shopping trip planned for months that day. We still went, but we were both really sad. We ended up stopping in a toy shop at the mall and my mom bought me a stuffed cat so I could cuddle with it.

I was 16, btw, lol. Oh god, I still miss that fat cat. We should have named him Garfield, he was big enough.

It gets easier, but it takes time. Longer for some than others.
 

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I don't know Patches' story, but I do know what it's like to lose a cat. I always found that the best thing to do was to talk to other pet/cat owners about it, because they are the only ones who can truly understand. An online forum is great for that, I think!

I remember losing my Rex of 14 years. I got Ellie and Cricket soon after, not to "replace" Rex but because I was so lonely in the house without him. At first the new cats bothered me because they did things differently than Rex did. I remember telling people that I liked them, but I didn't love them...not yet. Because I didn't even know them.

Now of course I love them. And if Rex hadn't passed on, then poor Ellie and Cricket wouldn't have gotten their new home with me. I can't say how long it took to get over Rex, because even now if I think about it, 10 years later, I get upset. But time will help.

I'm sure that you did everything right by Patches and yes, it was hard to make the decision, but that's what he counted on you for...to ease his pain and send him on his way to a happier place. Please don't feel guilty for that. He loved you for it. :)
 

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Everyone grieves differently--some get over it quickly and some grieve for a long time, and the grief is different for every cat. Some of my cats when they passed on I barely grieved as there wasn't a really close bond or the cat was old and ill, but ones I had a very close soul connection to were difficult to cope with. I do believe that a love is never lost and that I will be reunited with my pets again some time What I have learned is that a new kitty certainly speeds the grieving process. Hard to be sad when a kitty is bouncing around playing and being cute and cuddling in your lap for a snooze. I'm sure KC would like it too, as animals do grieve and miss their buddies.
 

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Dont' spend time feeling guilty - just like everyone else has been telling you. YOU will heal in your own time. As for your husband - he should be more supportive and understand - as for the friend - I've found out in the short time that I've been a cat mommy - if someone is not a pet or animal person they simply do not understand that these kittys or cats are our babies and we treat and love them as such. Sorry you are going through this tough time - HUGS
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Thank you so much for letting me talk to you about my loss. It does make things harder when I don't have many people to talk to you that understands what I am going through.

I was thinking about a funny thing that Patches did about 7 years ago or so. I just got home from the store and I was putting things away. There was an empty store bag on my bed and he got really curious about. He was messing with it and he wound up getting it stuck on his head. I tried getting it off of him but he took off running down the stairs, broke a ceramic statue and peed a little. It was probably the funniest thing that I have ever seen him do. He was definitely a character.

Shannon
 

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I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved Patches. My goodness it's only been a few days. You're still in shock. It can take months to get past the crying every day part of grieving. At least it does me.

Ignore those hurtful people. You are among those who understand here. We know how much it hurts, and it takes time to process such a loss.
 

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There was an empty store bag on my bed and he got really curious about. He was messing with it and he wound up getting it stuck on his head. I tried getting it off of him but he took off running down the stairs, broke a ceramic statue and peed a little. It was probably the funniest thing that I have ever seen him do. He was definitely a character.

Shannon
Hahahah that just made me laugh out loud.

And I agree with everyone else here. I had a kitten for literally FOUR DAYS that I had scheduled to take to the vet and he didn't make it :( You have no idea how guilty I felt (and still do sometimes). It was also my first cat and I didn't know everything that I do now. But you live and learn. And as upset as you are, I have no doubt the cat knew just how loved they were.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Keeping busy, talking to you wonderful people and praying to God has been helping me alot. I am starting to cope instead of dealing with my loss. I really miss him but I am able to remember the good/funny things that he would do.

Shannon
 
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