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Discussion Starter #1
So, I've been looking for a new job for several months now. I am a software Engineer, and I followed my heart after college, taking a slightly-lower-paying position in a REALLY expensive area over a slightly-higher-paying one in a really cheap area of upstate NY (I thought I'd be happier with the place on Long Island). But it really hasn't been all I hoped for, I feel completely stiffled by this place. THe company hasn't been treating people very well: there have been a ton of layoffs, raises have been meager... and I am so bored with what I am doing. I was starting to get really disheartened.

But I got a job offer form a company my friend works for in Northern New Jersey! The offer is only a LITTLE more than I am making right now, so at least I am not taking a pay-cut. But most important, it looks like interesting, dynamic, and challenging work which will hopefully provide me with the satisfaction I am completely lacking at my current job. I have been miserable for way too long at this place, and I am so glad to finally feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure how I feel about trying to bargain for more money.. I feel like they COULD have done better with the salary, but I don't want to bite the hand that feeds me. It's not THEIR fault that my current employer was so crappy with the raises, but I hate the fact that if my company had given me what I was entitled to, then this company would have followed suit and given me a better salary. I think I will probably be taking it regardless, but I would love a bit more money....

Dave and I are getting married next summer (July 9th, 2006), and he is going to stay at home with his parents in the Bronx and commute to his job in midtown Manhattan. Working in NJ will work out well because we can live in central Jersey, and he can easily commute to the city, and I can commute to northern NJ. I have really traditional parents, so living together before we get married is really just not worth fighting about, especially since our wedding will be in about 11 months...

So that kind of puts me in a bit of a dilema. This job is about 20 min away from my parents' house. I could definitely live at home for 10 months until I get married and save a ton of money. But... there is a large risk of me COMPLETELY LOSING MY MIND! I have been living on my own for 2 years. I have Kiera now, I have my own habits, my own stuff, and I am used to answering to nobody. At home, there are my parents, my grandmother is over a lot (and always seems to have something wrong..), and my sister just had a baby in June, and my mother will be babysitting a lot (Put it this way: My mom bought a crib to keep in the house! A nice one too.. LOL) My mom can be somewhat controlling, and she'll want to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times. I also really want to work hard at losing weight before my wedding, and I am afraid that living at home will be detremental to that, because not only is it more difficult to manage exactly what I'm eating, but I tend to get a lot more judgement when I am at home, which would definitely derail me. But the money I'd save!!!!!!

Ugh, I'm not sure what to do. But I am SOOO happy that I got this offer, and hopefully it's the beginning of a lot of GOOD changes for me. I always said I am way too young to be this disgruntled with my job (It was my 24th birthday on Saturday). I am glad that I am going to make the change and not just sit there and "take it".

Thanks for reading :) :)
 

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How exciting!!! :D
Could you find a really small place to rent?

I know when I was 25 I went through a divorce and went home to live with my parents for a while....MISTAKE HUGE MISTAKE!
I left after only 3 months....Whew! Amazing we are all still friends!
 

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I don't know much about the area personally, but we were recently looking into moving to the North Brunswick area (for work purposes) and it seems to me that I found LOTS of reasonably-priced apartments in that area. So I'll ditto Dawn... would that be a possibility?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Yeah, I would definitely PREFER to live by myself, but I am thinking about hte future... wanting to buy a house and such. I HATE renting so much! I don't want to be doing that very long after Dave & I Get married, and down payment money is a big part of that. A small place in Jersey might be a possibility, but when you throw in the utilities, cable, phone, internet (which I canNOT live without!), then it begins to add up.

But yeah, my parents talked about the possibility of me getting a studio or something. I'm just not sure. I mean, if I can bear it for those months, I could save SO MUCH $$!

Ugh, really tough, I'm going to be going back and forth on this for a while, methinks...
 

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Congrats on the new job offer! :D

My hubby recently took a job that meant a slight pay cut, but it was with a company that gives him a LOT more opportunity for growth! He went from being Database manager to being IT Director. It is a start-up company, which is why he was asked to take a pay cut, but he will also be eligible for bonuses and possibly a partnership in the future.

I divorced my ex when I was in my twenties and had no choice but to go back to my mom's house. My father had died a couple of years prior, I had two young daughters, and my mom was recently re-married. It was awkward and I felt resented by her new husband...they were newlyweds after all...so I don't blame him. He was about to retire and now there were two young kids and a 'step-daughter' he didn't know and didn't really care to know.

You can try living back home...it can't hurt. Then, if it doesn't work, find another place of your own.

Good luck with the new job...and congrats again!
 

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One more thing to add...

As far as weight loss...I struggled on and off most of my life. The main thing that made a difference for me was drinking LOTS of water, eating balanced meals with reduced intake of fat, sugar and starches, and have your meals on a small (salad) plate instead of a full-size plate. It fools your mind by looking like a larger portion. Also, eat slowly, as your brain doesn't get the "I'm full" message for about 30 minutes after you stop eating. If you are still hungry after an hour or so, eat another (smaller) healthy meal or preferably a healthy snack. You may also do better have 4-6 SMALL meals each day instead of 2-3 big ones...and your larger meals are best eaten earlier in the day, as opposed to late evening. There are a lot of foods that you burn more calories eating and digesting, than you take in. (i.e. Celery; lettuce; some melons, etc...)

Another well known help is to exercise: if you burn more calories than you take in, you will lose weight...period.

I have tried every fad diet in my life! All of them! They may give good results, but they are temporary. The only way to get good results is not to diet, but to alter your eating habits for life. If it has to be a gradual change in habits, that's okay. My main weight loss (the one I was able to maintain) took almost a year, but it was mroe than 60 pounds. The majority came off within the first 4-5 months and then it was slower. That is normal. I also did some cycling, walking and a lot of stretching and low impact activity that could be done indoors.

I have gone from my max weight of 179 pounds (in my early twenties) and now weigh 120-125 pounds (I'm in my late thirties). I don't have to worry about it any more. I had gotten as low as 112 during the weight loss, but am over 5'6" so it was a bit too thin for me and hard to maintain. I find that my current weight is ideal for me. If I notice I am starting to gain a few pounds, I increase my water intake. It is as simple as that. I also have to watch myself, as I still have my weaknesses (cheesecake, chocolate, creamy stuff) and I don't deny myself these if I am REALLY craving... I just have a tiny serving and then focus my thoughts on something else (so I don't go back and have more). :wink:

This is what has worked for me. I hope it helps. :D
 

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violina....can you talk to your Mom about what her expectations would be before you try living there?
You mentioned your Mom was controlling...that is exactly the way my Mother is...she was giving me curfews....Ummmmm HELLO
A 12 pm Curfew EXCUSE ME! I could not believe my ears!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thanks for the advice, Brynn. I actually did weight watchers last summer and lost about 20 pounds with the combination of the calorie-counting (i.e. points) and lots of going to the gym. However, lately I have been really stressed about the job thing, and I hurt my shins from running and cannot do anything high impact at the gym. I, unfortunately, gained about half of it back. I am hoping after I get back into a routine, I can really focus on it again.

Yeah, I defintiely need to have a long talk with my parents. I am so torn. :(
 

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I understand the issue with your parents, since I lived through it myself. You can try explaining that it would really help you out, but you are an adult, and they need to respect you as such. Curfews, dictating how you 'should' handle things, etc...is not something you can comfortably live with. Tell them you will respect their home and them, but you need to be assured they will respect you and your ways, also.

It is difficult to go home again at your age. As I said in my last post, I did so because I had no choice. I moved out about 3 months later because it was too awkward and I resented being treated as a child. I was a mother and an adult. I was a married woman (although going through a divorce) and had been the female head of household for several years.

Listening to my mother tell me that I needed to do this; do that; etc...was too much after a while. Still, it may work if you get everything lined out up front. If you feel this would be an option and are willing to give it a try, the worst that can happen is you will have to find another place and also deal with the frustration of moving *again*.

I never did weight watchers, but I think they are one of the better plans (though costly). You can do pretty much the same thing on your own, especially since you have been through the program and a lot of grocery stores carry their frozen meals, and other items. I will eat their frozen meals every once in a while, but it gets old fast. I am an avid supporter of the water drinking above anything else...that, and portion control, as well as reducing the fats, sugars and starches. I crave starches and some sweets, so when I get a craving, I will feed it...but within reason (a few bites as opposed to a full serving). I don't exercise as much as I used to, but still maintain my weight pretty well because of my eating habits. I ruptured several discs in my back a few months ago, so I have to do exercises that are very low impact (I do a lot of stretching, "swaying" to music, some swimming, etc.) It doesn't take much activity to make a difference, so find something that you can do without risking damage to your legs.

It is hard to change eating habits after 24 years, that is why it is okay to do it gradually. You will eventually get to the point where you crave water, crave the fruits and veggies over sweets, etc...but it is important not to deny your cravings, as that will eventually lead to a binge.

It will also be hard to stick to the change with your eating habits while living with your mom...if she is anything like mine. :roll: Living in the South, almost everything is fried...if it isn't fried it is a starch (which, sometimes they manage to fry anyway!) One example is "potato patties" which is my mom's specialty. She will take left over mashed potatoes: (she will add excessive amounts of butter and cream to the potatoes to begin with); put minced bacon, cheddar cheese, minced onion, egg, flour, more cream (we are talking 'whipping cream' not milk) and seasonings in them...form them into patties a bit smaller in diameter than a McDonald's cheeseburger, then FRY them in...ready? Bacon Grease. Yes...it is outrageous. But, I do have to admit that, since I grew up on them, I adore them and it is hard to resist when I visit her. I could list dozens if not scores of similar foods...one more would be "salt pork" (a chunk of very fatty and salty pork) which she slices into squares, dips them in egg and flour and fries in bacon grease. *sigh* This one, I can pass on! :D

Okay, I will shut up now. :D If you feel that I can help you in any way, please feel free to pm me, and I will do my best to pass along more details as to how I was able to find a weight loss success.

I wish you the very best, and hope that you are able to come to a compromise with your family. It would be very helpful in a $ way...but don't do it if it too stressful...the saved $ would be nice, but your peace of mind is priority.

Let me know how it goes, please! :)
 

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Brynn...I cant believe what we have in common!
I also had a young son at the time I moved back to my parents home.
It was also around the 3 month mark...that I left.
We actually did not speak for almost a year afterwards.
I was literally in shock from them acting as if I was still 15.
I just never expected that!

violina....if you think you can get on the same page with your
folks before moving in....then it just might work.
I know you could have the opportunity to save big dollars!
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I talked to them a bit last night, and there hasn't been really any helpful information. I told them my concerns, and all my mom'd really say is that she shares those concerns. My parents totally don't understand why it bothers me to spend so much money.

But when I moved to Long Island, I got kinda screwed with the living situation: while most of the people I trained with moved in together and were able to split their expenses, I wound up forced into living by myself. Now, that is not to say that there aren't advantages to living by yourself, but the expenses were insane. Literally half my salary was going to rent, and that didn't even start to cover utilities, cable/internet (I can NOT live with out internet), food, etc. Now, I didn't starve or anything, I don't mean to sound as if I was living in a box on the street. But it pained me SO much to be litereally throwing away so much $. Everyone was telling me how stupid I was. But even then, it's one thing when I was on Long Island and I didn't have any other choice. But to be working/living 20 min from my parents' house and wasting that same amount of money? Just throwing it away? That just hurts me beyond comprehension and my parents don't understand. That $$$ could make the difference between a down payment on a house and another year of renting. That $$ is the difference between me finally getting to take a vacation after several years of doing nothing but work. That $$ is the difference between buying that iPOD I've wanted to buy for a while now....etc...

So I don't know. My parents are of no help. I ask them what they think and all they do is give me the BS answer of "It's up to you". I hate that: I want more than just "it's up to me." That is useless. I want to know what they think, and how they would work with me on it. Ugh.

I am so agitated about it now. I should be happy about everything, but now I'm just really worried. They are like "don't think about it right now". But what's going to change in a week or two? Absolutely nothing!!!

ARGHGHGHGHGHGHHH!!
 

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WOW! 8O
I find it hard to believe they dont understand the financial aspect of this.
Of course they do....but why they dont want to be encouraging or discuss it seems rather weird? :? Are they uncomfortable discussing financial matters for some reason? Do they understand that what you pay in rent money could easily be double their mortgage payment?
It makes me nervous if their avoidance is a signal that they do not really want you to come back home...that is how I would feel anyways.
A simple Ho Hum "It's up to you." is not very Welcoming is it?

The number one problem that I can recall with my Mother.
Curfew.....and she was dead serious, even to the point of waiting up for me to come home...keep in mind I used the back door and was very respectful and quiet while coming and going.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I think my mom is also a bit afraid that I will interpret her thoughts as not wanting me to come home. My sister lives really closeby, and my mom LOVES that she is there all the time, calling all the time, etc... I think I'm a lot more independent than my sister is, and maybe it disappoints my mom a bit that she isn't as "needed' by me, you know?

I don't know. I just have this image in my head of how much crap I would have to walk through at the end of the day to get from just the front door to my room.... *sigh* I don't know. I'm thinking that living at home will probably not work, but the **** money thing..... ughghghghghgh!
 
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