Well, let's see, where should I begin? I was so poor growing up that if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. I could tell that my parents hated me; my bathtub toys were a toaster and a radio. I may've been homely, but I made up for it by being bright. When I would go to parties I'd play the 33 r.p.m records at 45 r.p.m. The faster speed was necessitated by my superior mental processing. While in college, I used to be a parking attendant at L.A.X. I parked jets. They let me go, though, because I kept locking the keys in them. One day, I was on an 86-foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger. I was once arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a Number 3 for 28 bucks. I was once walking in the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear it. I used to be a narrator for a bad mime. I live in a house that's on the median strip of a highway, I mean, a nice grassy area. I like it. The only thing I don't like about it is that when I leave the driveway, I have to be going 60 miles an hour. I have a microwave fireplace. I lay down in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes. Well, you can't have everything.Where would you put it? Sometimes, you can't hear me. It's because I'm in parentheses. About four years ago I was -No, it was yesterday- I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries but they weren't included. So, I had to buy them again. One time the police stopped me for speeding and they said, "You know, the speed limit is 55 miles per hour." I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't going to be out that long." I like to sing the Batman theme incessantly and, when we go caroling, "Jingle Bells, Batman smells." I always specify that my drive-thru order is, "To go." I have a glass eye and tap on it occasionally with a pen I've borrowed from someone while talking. If that fails, then I chew on it. Sometimes, I like to speak in a robot voice and I can imitate fax and modem sounds really well. When my wife finally managed to drag me to Madama Butterfly, I sang along.Whenever we go out to fancy restaurant I always ask for another chair for Harvey (he's a pookah, y'know, and invisible). At work I used to always try and leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, and 99 copies, highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and cc: them to my boss....Um, let's see, what else? I like to stomp on little plastic ketchup packets, pop those plastic bubbles in packing material and sniffle incessantly. Sometimes, I'll leave my turn signal on for 50 miles. I make beeping noises when I'm backing up and keep the windshield wipers running in all weather conditions in order to keep them tuned up. I love to honk and wave to strangers. I always wear a bicycle helmet as part of my astronaut training. I've declared my home an independent nation and have had to sue my neighbors who live up the hill from us for violating our airspace on several occasions. I like to irritate my wife by calling out random numbers when she's counting, set the alarm clock for random times and adjust the tint on our tv so that all the people are green (because I like it that way) and I put road flares on her birthday cake. When I was single, I used to call 1-800 operators and ask them out on dates. I once made a video of only dire F.B.I warnings and put it on the shelf in the video store. I also taped pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over the climactic ending of Band of Brothers and returned it to the store. In the supermaket, I like to drop baby oil and prophylactics into people's carts when they're not looking. In my novels, I always put the surprise ending on the very first page. I thought I'd save this year and I served Night Train on Thanksgiving to our guests instead of the usual Gallo. Sometimes, I like to wear my pants backwards and dress only in Hunter's Orange. When the wife and I were in Paris, I'd always try and begin every sentence with "Ooh, la-la!" SOMETIMES, IN ORDER TO **** OFF MY PUBLISHER, I ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE. Othertimes only in lower case AND i dont use any punctuation either In about a week or two I'll tie jingle bells to all of my clothes. I never make eye contact; I never break eye contact. Oh, yeah, I make elaborate crop circles in my front yard. And, as far as my philosophy goes, I only believe in two (2) things: Sex and Death. Things which only come around once in a lifetime. Well, I guess that pretty much about covers it.
Any questions? Any answers? Any rags, any bones, any bottles today?!
Any questions? Any answers? Any rags, any bones, any bottles today?!
