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Discussion Starter #1
I would like to share my feelings for my gorgeous kitty Kohl. My wife and I got him about 10 years ago as a very young kitten and he and I bonded straight away. My wife always said he was like a puppy the way he followed me everywhere - I couldn't move without him rushing after me. He slept on my lap almost every night and on my chest in bed - although I never got much sleep I didn't care because I could tell he needed me and loved me possibly as much as I loved him. I really really thought the world of him - he was the cutest black cat ever and seemed to get cuter the older he got. About 7 years ago he didn't come home one Saturday night and we were frantic - spent Sunday and Monday searching everywhere and putting leaflets in people's doors to check their sheds etc. I got a call on the Tuesday morning from the last house we posted a leaflet through that he'd checked his shed and there was a black cat in there injured. Kohl ended up having his hip joint removed as too many days had gone by since he injured it but he got along fine without. I just got even closer to him then and he was fine until just over a week ago. He looked like he was coughing up a furball for about a week so we took him to the vets. He had a fast heartbeat and problems with his lungs so Monday before last he went in for full scans etc. He had asthma and a problem with his heart but vets said with tablets he would be fine. Last Thursday I popped in at lunchtime and rushed him back as his breathing was too fast so got some beta blockers. He had another asthma attack Friday night so first thing Saturday back to vets again where they said tablets would take time. Sunday his breathing was still too fast so checked on Internet should be 20-30 breaths a minute but Kohl was 70! Took Kohl to emergency vet where they said his chest was filled with fluid - I asked them to try to save him if he wasn't in pain but he started fitting so I was there when he went to sleep.

I can't tell you how devastated I am - he followed me everywhere in the house so can't stop thinking about him - so many what ifs - if I'd taken him earlier, if I'd insisted on more scans, I really don't know how to carry on without my little boy in my life - he was such a character. I really thought another 10 years wouldn't be enough!
 

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How sad it is to lose someone so special. Mourning is appropriate, don't let anyone tell you "it's just a cat". Those people don't get it at all.

Take some comfort in this: He was well loved, cared for, and had a good life, especially for someone with health issues. Would that they all could have what you were able to give Kohl.

Much sympathy to you during this very hard time. You did all that could be done. He is at peace over the bridge.
 

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I am so sorry about Kohl. :( It must have been quite a shock that it came so suddenly at the end. You gave him a wonderful life, and you showed how much you loved him by ensuring that he wouldn't suffer or be in pain.

I know, from experience, that it's almost impossible not to think about the what ifs, but please try not to drive yourself crazy. There are the what ifs, but think about the what if I hadn'ts...if you hadn't been willing to pay for his hip joint removal? if you hadn't been willing to care for a kitty with a disability? if you hadn't taken him for regular vet visits?

I also realize that none of this will ease any of the pain and emptiness that you feel now. I lost one of my kitties 15 months ago and the first couple of months were awful.

Please feel free to share stories and pics of Kohl if you feel up to it.

Hugs.
 

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Thank you for sharing Kohl with us. I think many of us understand the what-if battle, and those of us who have lost our furry friends sometimes end up questioning ourselves - and beating ourselves up - for years. But you took wonderful care of Kohl and tried to help him as much as you could. I don't think you did anything wrong in caring for him.

I have truly come to believe what some others here on CF have said - sometimes the best way to show love, respect, and honor to our departed furbabies is to share that love with a new furbaby who needs you :} So maybe someday when you feel you are ready, you will find a new little guy or gal. They will never replace Kohl, of course!
 

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I am so sorry for your loss of Kohl. I am sure he left a big paw print imprint on your life and heart.

As others have said, the what-ifs are devastating and all encompassing. I can try to tell you to try to avoid that path....but, I think it is part of the grieving process for those of us with fur babies. We all do it when our fur baby passes....so, please know we are all here to support you through thus loss and your what ifs.

You sound like you did everything possible to save Kohl and I know he appreciated all your love, support, and caring.

When my Mocha passed, I was devastated. What helped was writing her a long letter about everything we shared and asking her forgiveness if there was anything more I could have done, but didn't. She sent me a rainbow shortly after. I miss her every single day. It was really hard for me to let another cat into my life after her......she has been gone almost 28 months and I have 4 cats and 5 kittens right now. Not one if them replace her....my love for her is just as strong as always. But these little fur balls keep me surrounded with love and they often remind me of things I loved about Mocha.

Feel free to tell us stories about your Kohl.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Many thanks for all your kind replies about Kohl. I am starting to cope a bit better without him but quite often stop and think - that's crazy I don't believe he isn't at home waiting for me to return. I think I miss him the most during the night - every night we'd go to bed and within half an hour we would hear our door creak open and he would jump on and snuggle up to me and spend most of the night there. Come 5am he would start harassing me to get up to feed him (he'd trample on my head if I took too long). He'd often sit on my lap if I was eating at the table which my wife wasn't happy about but no way would I move him even if it did mean I could hardly reach my dinner plate or I got cat hairs as I ate. On the odd occasion it used to snow in Liverpool Kohl often ran along the fence, jumped on the shed roof and slid down it into the garden - he would then repeat this :)

I would like to share some pictures but not too sure how to go about this? Thanks again everyone - despite it upsetting me I do like to talk about Kohl as much as possible - I'm still walking round the house telling him I love him in case he can hear :(
 

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I rang the vets this morning early in a panic worried that they hadn't sent Kohl for cremation on his own and I wouldn't get his ashes back. All seems ok as the crem rang them yesterday to confirm his spelling (I imagine most people speale it Cole) - even though he is a black cat he wasn't called Kohl because of this - he actually looked like he had make-up under this eyes so my wife said there is a woman's make-up called Kohl :)

I do find myself feeling a lot more anxious lately when I think about him but I'm hoping once I get his ashes back I can find a bit more comfort in him being home with me again. I'm actually going to get a tattoo of his name and maybe paw prints on my chest near to my heart - then whenever I miss him I can just put my hand on my chest and speak to him. My wife always said we had a special bond as he really did follow me everywhere like a little puppy - I can't believe how much love I feel whenever I look at his picture :)
 

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Did Kohl have a collar/collar tag? When my German Shepherd died in 2010 (she had cancer) I had her cremated, and I put all of her collar tags onto my keychain. This really, really helped me cope. Every time I pick up my keys, I hear the tags jingle in that certain special way - just as if Ember were running over to me, grinning and wagging her tail.

Having her ashes near me also did help a lot. I sometimes "hear" her at the very edge of my awareness - so I know Kohl will visit you soon, and he will always be near your heart :}
 

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Kohl didn't wear a collar but I do have one of my t-shirts that is absolutely covered in his hairs - I am going to keep it forever. I really want him to visit me but maybe he knows I am too upset at the moment. I really can't wait to get his ashes back so he is back in his home with my wife and I (and Earl and Scampi)...
 

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So sorry to hear of the sudden death of your darling heart kitty "Kohl". I can well understand how devastating it was and how you miss him so much. I truly believe that we will see our beloved pets again in the spiritual world....that's the consolation I have.

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; unless my pets are there to welcome me." (Unknown)
 

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Your loss has touched my heart , as it has everyone on this site. Only people who have loved a kitty as much as you have loved Kohl truly understand. I have lost many beloved kitties over the years. You did everything possible for him,and he knows how much you loved him. Keep talking to him as he will feel your love forever. He will live on in your heart, and will watch over you until you meet again. Sending healing and love your way.
 

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Thanks everyone for your lovely replies. I am coping better now but do think about him all the time. I actually got a tattoo yesterday - after always saying I hated them and never in a million years! I had a picture of his face from when he jumped under the rug and peeked out so the tattooist loved it and has done a very good job of getting his likeness. Its on my chest so I only need to look down now and I can see him whenever I want :)

If I figure out how to put pictures up I will post some soon!

Thanks again everyone for understanding...I am also going to collect his ashes tonight so will be glad to get him back home with his family.
 

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Thinking of you and hoping it wasn't too awful today. It was a very tough day when I brought Margaux's ashes home. I picked them up and then sat in the car and cried. It seemed so final. But now you have the tattoo to remind you that Kohl will always be with you, and he knows that you'll always be with him.
 

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You were right - I picked his ashes up last night and it was pretty bad. What actually made it worse was the emergency vet place - girl never said one word to me and went off, brought the crappy cardboard box over to me, thrust it into my hand and sat down and ignored me! I can't believe that someone working in a caring animal place could do that - I obviously cared enough to pay extra to get Kohl's ashes back so a kind word really would have gone a long way. They were obviously just concerned with getting as much money out of me as possible and not to worry if I've lost what I consider to be a family member. Anyway he is back home now (even if it doesn't fell like home again yet).
 

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Sorry your experience wasn't more ... sympathetic. Maybe it's the Emergency Vet part, one isn't a regular long-term customer, more of a stranger, but even so, I'd have expected some caring gentle words, looks, or gestures. But now you're home. I have my cat's ashes here in a pretty little box, with her picture in a little frame next to it.
 

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Yeah - I was just upset at the time as it just made a difficult situation even worse. But I will get a much nicer urn of some sort to put his ashes in. My other cat Earl actually jumped on the table, sniffed the box for a bit then started rubbing his scent on it - this is very unusual for him - I don't think in 11 years I have seen him do that to anyone or anything - maybe he could sense Kohl was in there :)
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Had my normal Thursday night in on my own (my wife stays in her mothers every Thursday to keep her company). Coped ok although I was missing Kohl this morning but just had 2 reminder emails through to take Earl and Scampi for their annual check-up at the vets - so another reminder that Kohl isn't here anymore :(

Its been almost 3 weeks now and I just feel sad most of the time - I haven't cried very much this week but our house just feels empty now despite 2 adults and 2 other cats living there. I just don't feel like I will ever really feel happy again as i think about Kohl all the time. Now I've got a tattoo of his face I only need to look down to see him (and the tattoo is really very good likeness) but I just ache to have him sitting on my lap again and to talk to him...
 
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