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Discussion Starter #1
I didn't want to hijack the thread started by Megan because, although I have a gripe about my mom, it's not the same thing.

Yesterday I was talking with mom on the phone about how Peanut (the new pup) is doing so much better with this, that and the other thing, and how she had her initial vet visit for the parvo booster on Monday.

The conversation spun off into going to the country concerts at the Fair, of which mom is going to go to one with me while Ken goes to the other 3 with me, and then steered off into how next Tuesday our daycare lady is taking the day off to spend the day at the ND State Fair with her own family and, therefore, she would not be working.

That's the day of the demolitian derby anyway and Ken and I had already discussed taking the kids earlier that day to see the animal barns and ride some kiddie rides, then coming home to let them get a nap and taking them back in the evening so that Ken could take Nate to the demo derby and meanwhile I'll just go around the fair with Emma doing other things.

My mom got dead silent when I told her this and I knew EXACTLY what she was thinking. I'm in a chair so I need someone there with me to help watch over Emma. She asked "Do you want me there with you?" after which I said a sharp "no" because I want to spend time alone with my daughter. We do so many things as a family and each of the kids deserves some alone time with one of the parents now and then. Tuesday night seemed like the perfect opportunity.

I told her how I'm sick and tired of her acting like I'm not capable to which she stated "it's not you, it's all the strangers at the Fair I'm worried about." Well, maybe, but that still doesn't mean I can't handle my own daughter. She said "what if Emma gets sidetracked and stops to look at something and you don't see her do that and just continue on. First off, since I'm in a chair and would obviously be in a crowd of people I would never let myself do that. Secondly, perfectly able-bodied people have lost their children before (Heaven forbid!). Yes, Emma is a go-getter but she does have sense enough to understand that when we're in a big place with a lot of people she needs to stay close to me. We've been to the mall alone a few times and she does fine. She listens well and stays right by me.

I told Mom she was making me mad and I needed to get off the phone before I said anything else I'd later regret, and I hung up. After that, I looked at Ken and said "Don't even say anything. I had every right to be angry," and he agreed. In the past, he's gotten mad at me for being hard on my mom but half the time it's the same conversation. She's freaked about how I'm gonna handle things because I'm in a wheelchair!

Is she ever going to let up? For Heaven's sake, I'm almost 34 years old. You would think by now that she could look at all that I've accomplished in life and realize I'm doing just fine. I may not have use of my legs but God put a decent head on my shoulders and I'm very capable that way. I know mothers are said to always be protective but why can't they (or maybe it's just my mom) look the situation over and realize they have to let their child figure things out for themselves once in a while? I refuse to be coddled for the rest of my life, the biggest reason being that if my own kids pick up on her doing that then they might second-guess my abilities as they get older, or second-guess their own. I will not let that happen to my kids because that's exactly what Ken's mom did to him. You have no idea how much work I put into that man to get him to realize he's independent and perfectly capable of handling himself. :lol:

OK, now that that's off my chest, I really need to buckle down and get back to work.
 

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2kids3cats4me said:
Is she ever going to let up?
No. Try to remember it is only because she loves you and is worried about your limitations.
I'm sure she knows what you have accomplished, but every parent worries about any difficulties their child may endure. It is normal and you'll do it one day with your own kids. :wink: By the same token, you will also understand the importance of self-confidence and self-reliance: being able to tackle and accomplish a feat on their own, but you will still have that urge to 'interfere' and make things easier.

My Mother infuriates me with some of her suggestions (I have too many cats) and ideas (change my health care w/out telling my Dr because someone she knows said...). When we get onto those old 'buttons', I change the subject. Or I tell her I know what her position is on the subject and I don't care to hash it out again and switch to talking about something else.
You'll just have to find what works for you to defuse that 'hot button'.
 

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No it probably will NEVER stop. There are plenty of normal people out there that have "over-protective, doom and gloom, you need to stay in your house where it's safe" kinda parents. It's a pain in the hiney.

Love her and ask her to let go. Tell her that it's something you'll have to do with your own child one day...
 

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Yikes. While I can see others' points of views...just doing it out of love & all that...I think you're right to let her know how that makes you feel! That's so demeaning! And how can it NOT be about you--if you weren't in a wheelchair, would she have asked if she could help then? There is a difference between trying to babysit you and letting you know she's there to help.

Maybe...when you're going to do something that you know she'll volunteer to "help" with, beat her to it and talk about how much you're looking forward to doing it alone! That's what I do when people want to take the wind out of my sails & "help" me with stuff. It shuts them up every time, they can't volunteer themselves without coming off as rude.
 

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In the future I would just tell her about things like that after they have already happened. It might cut down on the arguing.

You are probably more aware of your surroundings than most people because of being in a wheelchair.

I hope you enjoy the fair.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
TrinityQuiet said:
Yikes...I think you're right to let her know how that makes you feel! That's so demeaning!
Thanks TQ. I, too, can understand to a point where she's coming from but at the same time what about the phrase "if you love them let them go." I know it's a cliche but it's true. Everyone has to be given the chance to try things their own way on their own terms even if those who care about them know there is a risk. Often times people learn best from taking risks. Heck, technically any person could get killed going outside to get their mail. All it would take is a crazy driver going to fast or cutting to close to the curb.

As for trying to reason with my mom, calmly letting her now my feelings, yadda, yadda, yadda, you don't know my mom. You don't reason with her. In any (and I do mean any) argument I have ever had with her she's absolutely not willing to see my side. I still get called "little girl' in the heat of an argument now and then. Tell me THAT's not demeaning at 34 years of age with my own kids!

As far as Leazie's reply, yes, I am VERY aware of my surroundings. It's just engrained in me. I'm a people watcher, not for entertainment purposes but instead to keep track of where I am in relation to them.

Also, this is Minot, ND, for Heaven's sake, not Minneapolis, Chicago, LA or NY. People still leave their cars and houses unlocked around here sometimes. I'm not foolish enough to believe something bad can't happen here but, honestly, most people around here watch out for each other and show genuine concern, even at the State Fair.

Above all this, though, is the fact that Emma is my daughter. I am not going to let something sidetrack me into losing track of her.
 

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Erm, I don't know you all that well, so perhaps this is a rude question, but...is this your first week in the chair, or have you been handling it for awhile?

There are plenty of people in wheelchairs who live perfectly normal lives, they just have wheels stuck to their butts. They do things like grocery shop, drive cars, go to the movies, work, attend baseball games, go out to eat, take their kids to the fair. Shocking, eh? Is it a little trickier? Sure, but primarily because of accessibility, not because they lack the ability.

Rock on, go to the fair with your daughter. Be who you are and don't let your mom make you feel any less. She may think she is coming from a place of caring about you, but she's having the opposite effect.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Smirkitty said:
Erm, I don't know you all that well, so perhaps this is a rude question, but...is this your first week in the chair, or have you been handling it for awhile?
I've been in this chair for the last 13 (almost 14 actually) years of my life so I'm a rookie of sorts at this thing, especially dealing with accessibility in not-so accessible places, although the fairgrounds are set up wonderfully.
 

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2kids3cats4me said:
I've been in this chair for the last 13 (almost 14 actually) years
14 years of experience driving those wheels and she still doesn't trust you at the fair?

Parents just don't understand.....
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Smirkitty said:
2kids3cats4me said:
I've been in this chair for the last 13 (almost 14 actually) years
14 years of experience driving those wheels and she still doesn't trust you at the fair?

Parents just don't understand.....
Yeah, well it's more than just trusting me to get around the fair. She knows I can do that. What she's freaked about is that someone is going to come along and abduct Emma and I can't do anything about it. My argument to that still is and will always be that's something that can happen to anyone, wheelchair or not.

BTW, I overshot my estimate on years in the chair. This happened to me in November of '95 so it's almost 13 years. Still a long time.
 

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I usually keep out of discussions like this for lots of reasons. I have watched a dear friend constantly berate her mother and complain about how she's such a pain in the keister because she doesn't know when to keep her nose out of her business, etc. It hurts me to no end to listen to her complain about her mom. I lost my mom when I was 20 years old. She was only 48. You know what? Be thankful your mom is still around to give you her two cents. She loves you and will always want to be in a position to be your mother. You don't necessarily have to take her advice, just know that she means well and she loves you. Good luck.
 

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Jazznmisha,

I regret if my words have caused you any emotional pain. I recognize this is a difficult topic for you to read about.

However I hope you can recognize that everyone has different life experiences. Some people have very toxic relationships with family members, and I do not think it right to insist that they "be thankful" that a person with very toxic reactions is in their lives.

I hasten to add that I am not implying that 2k3c4m's relationship with her mother is toxic, I do not know either of them well enough to have a true opinion on the matter.

I recognize that, due to your own experience and missing your mother, it is difficult to hear another person expressing frustration at dealing with a difficulty family relationship. But each person's experience is different.
 

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My mother still calls my husband (or BIL, or sister, or who ever is with me) to remind them what to watch for with my diabetes. And I am 39. She still reminds me to check blood sugars, and when I shouldn't travel, etc.

Sorry, it won't stop - just remember she loves you and worries about you!
 

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I'm a mom with adult children.
My mother still reminds me to drive safely, call her when I get home from her house (3 hour drive) and other things. I know it's because you are a parent and you want to mak things better for your child. Your mom just wants to help you.

I still remind my kids to take raincoats, jackets, etc. Ummm, they are all college graduates..... :oops: I just remind them it's a mom thing.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Jazznmisha (Terry),

I just want to echo some of the things that Smirkitty talked about in her last post.

The relationship with my mother overall is fine. It's just that when she gets off on these tangents that she bugs the heck out of me and she absolutely doesn't want to budge. I can't imagine losing my mom at such a young age, nor now for that matter. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Having said all that, I was just venting and ranting, taking out my frustrations here where I know some others have gone through the same sort of things.

Mother and daughters, fathers and sons, siblings, etc., can have overall wonderful relationships but I think I feel safe in saying that the majority of us at one time or another are really frustrated at something one of them has said or done and we just need to talk about it. That's all I was doing here. Again, sorry if this thread hurt you.
 

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Hi Jo (and Smirkitty) -- no offense taken. Like I said, I usually keep my mouth shut when it comes to "stuff" like this. I know some mother / daughter relationships are not the best. I had a particularly good relationship with my mom, up until the time she passed away. The post just hit me at a particularly vulnerable point in my life, and I opened my mouth. :oops:

I also have two adult children, one who lives out of the state, one who lives closer to us and we see on a regular basis. I know he (the one who lives closest to us) doesn't want to hear being reminded to "roll up your car windows, it's going to rain; did you lock your car?", etc. because he's 24 years old! But he listens to me anyway, takes it in stride and doesn't say a word.

I hope things work out between you and your mom, and time with your daughter can be spent as you want it to be spent!
 
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