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Discussion Starter #1
I'm trying to gauge if I am being a paranoid freak or not.

I don't trust my bf whatsoever(beeen together 2 3/4 yr), not really his fault, he's just insentitive to how I precieve things. Like constantly making comments on how hot other girls are and that he's 'do them' and what not, knowing that I am paranoid. Plus I just don't trust men to not cheat, period.

So his best friend finally got a girl friend, and it's been two months and I have yet to meet this girl, he does things with the two of them all the time, and I seem to not get invited(lots of the time I am do other things though). They are all potheads, so that could be part of why I'm not included they are usually doing that.

I find out today that this girls 'friend' has been with them too. He's going to a concert tonight, and I just find out, guess what?? it's NOT just him, his best friend, and his girl, the girls 'friend' is going with them too. And I overheard him say to his friend that he would have to call her to find out about something........having to do with the tickets I think. BUT if it's his friends girl's friend, then why is MY bf the one that has to call her??

I even became this girl, I looked through his phone calls. He called HER on the 30th of June. So at least he isn't speaking to this girl on a daily basis, but SHE called HIM yesterday at 4:15, I wa shome and with him from 4:30 on...........

I just don't know what to think?

I guess if he's cheating, he's cheating and it will come out eventually?

I've acussed him once already, when he stayed out til 5am at his friends girls house'partying', and did not call me to tell me where he was, and when I tried calling he said he 'didn't feel like talking', so didn't answer.

Looking back, now I am thinking, maybe he was there with this 'friend' of hers.

I guess I'm just trying to perpare myself, considering, a few months ago before this girl started dating his friend,things were pretty much peachy was thinking amrrige etc, now I am just feeling soooo low.
 

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First of all men don't suck. Imagine the outrage I would cause by starting a generalizing insulting thread like that about women. I know I would be asked to leave.

The last three of my mate's relationships I know ended because the chick started sleeping with other guys, and then claiming it was the bloke's fault (when it clearly wasn't). If you don't trust men to not cheat, then you won't EVER get another bloke. Ever (nor would you deserve one). Trust is one of the essentials of a relationship. Women cheat all the time as well.

Having said all that, you're boyfriend sounds like he needs a kick in the family jewels and a talking to. If I was in your shoes, I would dump him asap.

edit: Heather102180
 

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Wow, how can you even handle being in a relationship with this guy?

Like constantly making comments on how hot other girls are and that he'd 'do them' and what not, knowing that I am paranoid.
That right there would be enough to call it quits. You don't deserve to be with some as insensitive as he is.

I don't have much advice for you...not sure what you are looking for or if you just needed to vent....but I think you'd be way better off without him...he just doesn't seem worth it.
 

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I would leave him. He's not worth it. My husband would never ever hang out with another girl without me around. Let alone talk to one on the phone. Sounds like they are seeing each other.
 

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I'm sorry. I think you would be proactive, and NOT paranoid, if you were to decisively end this relationship at the first moment you can. Someone who loves you will NOT try to avoid being with you or be evasive when questioned. They would also respect you enough to not purposely try to make you 'jealous' with juvenile and insensitive comments of what they'd do or not do with other people within your hearing. I had a bf like that. Luckily, it didn't last long. Threats don't make a relationship strong, only love and trust.

I do not agree with Huge's idea of trusting/not-trusting and relationships. You DO deserve someone who respects and cares for you. Everyone does! It is okay to be mistrustful. It isn't okay to be paranoid and question every little thing like a relationship-nazi, but if questionable behaviors arise, ABSOLUTELY question them!
Trust is earned. Well, let me ammend that; trust is given, nurtured and grown. It only takes a moment to destroy all that work and many times the nature of that former trust can never be regained by the person who destroyed it, though sometimes it can be grown into a different kind of trust.

Do you think you could trust this bf?
He has:
...taken calls from other girls.
...avoided answering your lat night (worried) calls.
...hung out with his friend's, girlfriend's friend(s).
...plans to attend a special event with a different girl than you.

I'm sorry, it sounds to me like he has grown 'bored' and is finding excitement, either temporary or permanant, with this girl and is clearly not thinking about or caring how that makes you feel. You deserve better, and I'd let him go so he can make a fool of himself over whomever he wishes. Good things come to those who wait for the right guy to treat them right. Those men ARE out there.

You just gotta kiss alotta frogs to find the prince... throw this tadpole back in the gene pool and let some other bird have him!
 

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ok. one simple sentence. LEAVE HIM!!!! My husband would NEVER do any of those things!!!! He works around a lot of people and gets lots of phone calls for work but if he starts being friends with anyone of them he makes a point to set up lunch or dinner where we all meet. He never would be going out with 2 other females and 1 guy friend
 

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The situation you describe sounds like trouble. It's time to have a heart to heart with him and find out what truly is going on. If the answers don't add up, it's time to move on.
 

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RUN, DON'T WALK. Being hurt is a pain in the tush, but you need out of this in a HUGE way.

Drugs? Strike ONE. Partying until morning? Strike TWO. Hanging out with a single chick and its not YOU? Strike THREE.

Forget the phone calls. Forget HIM. Just get out of this. He sounds like a 13 year old that's just figured out he has a.... Well, you know. (sorry guys)

Look kiddo. I was married once before - in college. I worked 2 part time jobs and went to school - he just went to school. I came home one time from work and he was still in bed. Didn't think a whole lot about it until I was cleaning the apartment up that afternoon. I'll leave the gross details out, but needless to say - SOMETHING happened in my bedroom while I was out. The last time I "caught" him - I opened the front door, and I saw the reflection in a wall of pictures of someone leaving out the back door.

I'm thankful you're NOT married. I'm thankful you're not 21 and going through a divorce like I was. Be grateful that you're finding this out BEFORE you're expecting a baby or something.

Hon, all of us - male and female - we deserve someone that LOVES us and that wants to be with us. No one deserves to be an afterthought like this guy is treating you. Please get out of this situation SOON.
 

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EqusArch said:
when I tried calling he said he 'didn't feel like talking', so didn't answer.
What the??

I agree with the others, I think you're better off without him...

Tallulah pretty much summed it up with the three strikes thing. It just doesn't sound like he's worth it. :(
 

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Heidi n Q said:
I do not agree with Huge's idea of trusting/not-trusting and relationships. You DO deserve someone who respects and cares for you. Everyone does! It is okay to be mistrustful. It isn't okay to be paranoid and question every little thing like a relationship-nazi, but if questionable behaviors arise, ABSOLUTELY question them!
Trust is earned. Well, let me ammend that; trust is given, nurtured and grown. It only takes a moment to destroy all that work and many times the nature of that former trust can never be regained by the person who destroyed it, though sometimes it can be grown into a different kind of trust.
I agree totally, my comment about trust was in reference to her "I wouldn't trus men (presumably including me, a few billions others and Jesus in that word) not to cheat". It annoyed me.

EqusArch: dump the fool, and let him know you're not a pushover.
 

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I'll jump on the "dump him" bandwagon. Even if his encounters with the other woman are totally innocent (doubtful), it's offensive enough the way he has handled your reaction to it. If he doesn't respect and want to protect your feelings on this, he won't with other things either.

When it comes to feeling jealous, I keep remembering a thing a friend said to me about her feeling jealous in relationships she had. She said, "I just say to him -- 'if you've found someone you want to be with more than me, go ahead and be with her.'" Case closed. I absolutely loved that idea. Don't cling, don't be a relationship cheerleader, don't try to persuade, don't threat, just say -- if you want to be with this woman, go ahead and be with this woman. Relationship over. I know it's easy for me to say, but that kind of approach is much more empowering.
 

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EqusArch said:
Why are men clueless?
I know this will come off as sounding harsh, and for that I apologize in advance.

You are being clueless. If all the things you say in your OP are true, then you don't have a relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Eh, we worked things out. It IS just a girl that he buys weed off of, and will go smoke one with. Which is what I was hoping, I didn't really think he would hceat, but since I have trust issues I went with the cheating scenario.
All my friends told me that I was over reacting, that he's just dense and a bit of an inconsiderate jerk(which I've always known).

Now we just need to communicate more on our future, because we then got into an argument about me wanting marrige in the near future and he isn't ready to even think about it(he's 22, I'm 25), I want to stay here in MI, he wants to live elsewhare, yadda, yadda......so.....time will tell. I need to work on trust issues.....he need to decide on his future, so that if it dosne't involve me, I can get out.
 

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EqusArch said:
Now we just need to communicate more on our future, because we then got into an argument about me wanting marrige in the near future and he isn't ready to even think about it (he's 22, I'm 25), I want to stay here in MI, he wants to live elsewhare, yadda, yadda......so.....time will tell. I need to work on trust issues.....he need to decide on his future, so that if it dosne't involve me, I can get out.
Personally, I wouldn't wait on him, as it seems neither of you are really "in step" with each other's goals. :wink:
Personal experience (step brothers) speaking here... pot-heads don't magically get motivation to shoulder responsibility (ie: work, marriage, bills). How he is now is probably how he will be in 1yr, 5yrs and 10yrs. Except probably bigger/heavier and less healthy because of a lack of motivation to move and munchies.

Weigh the good and the bad.
If the bad outweighs the good, let it go.
If the good outweighs the bad, look at the bad with open eyes:
Can you LIVE with the bad? If so, then do so with no complaints because you have chosen to accept the bad to keep the good.
Can you NOT LIVE with the bad? If not, then you have to let go of both the bad and the good, no matter how good the good is...because if the bad is enough to poison your happiness it will eventually ruin the good that you wished to keep and you will be left with nothing to enjoy.

...make your decison and live with it. But the decision is always YOURS to make.
 

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EqusArch said:
Eh, we worked things out. It IS just a girl that he buys weed off of, and will go smoke one with. Which is what I was hoping, I didn't really think he would hceat, but since I have trust issues I went with the cheating scenario.
All my friends told me that I was over reacting, that he's just dense and a bit of an inconsiderate jerk(which I've always known).

Now we just need to communicate more on our future, because we then got into an argument about me wanting marrige in the near future and he isn't ready to even think about it(he's 22, I'm 25), I want to stay here in MI, he wants to live elsewhare, yadda, yadda......so.....time will tell. I need to work on trust issues.....he need to decide on his future, so that if it dosne't involve me, I can get out.
You're joking, right??? :roll:

You worked things out? Or you bought his explanation. First off, even if he was going to buy some ganja, he COULD HAVE TOLD YOU EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING!!! If he really gave a squat about you, he would involve you in everything you did. Did you not read what others have said about his insensitive comments? You already know he is an inconsiderate jerk...yet you remain with him!!! That makes as much sense as me getting burnt on a hot object and continuing to touch that same hot object.

You are going to make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over with this clown. He will leave you the same upset person in the future as you were a day ago. And then we will hear the same crap about how men suck, are clueless, etc. Yet it is YOU, a WOMAN, who permits this garbage to continue!!!!! Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him?

Yes, I am a male, and therefore I am clueless and suck. Oh well such is life. But my life will go on and the sun will rise tomorrow. But I am also older than you by nearly 14 years. To put it into perspective, I graduated high school when you entered preschool. I learned to drive a car and was shifting gears when you were in diapers! But that also means that I have more life experiences than you and have a little bit more insight. People like him just DO NOT learn!!! You even said you had yet another arguement! Men who TRULY love their woman JUST DO NOT act like he does...PERIOD!!!! I sure as heck saw no need to even think about 'doing' another woman when I was involved, even when speaking in jest. Whether you want to believe it or not, your relationship is dead already. And you yourself even proved that his future does not involve you since he got all uptight about marriage. If he really thought you were the one for him, then why get defensive over marriage? Would that limit his ability to party, etc? Your so-called BF is exactly like a guy I know. And I can speak from experience that those inconsiderate types do not change. Because he sure has not.

Hugh's comments make perfect sense and are as clear as crystal! If you are a person that will ALWAYS assume a guy is cheating on you when he never would, never has, and never will, then you will NEVER have a relationship. Because no matter what he does, that guy will ALWAYS be wrong in your mindset. And that is why Hugh said that you would not deserve a relationship. Because how can you have one and why bother if a guy is always a liar, cheat, and a thief in your eyes. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. And if you will not want to trust, you will not want a relationship.

But you go do what you want. I suspect that you are a woman that is afraid to be alone and feels the need to have a BF to show off like a prize steer at a 4H contest, no matter how bad he may be. That is sad, but only YOU have the power to change things and make your life better. You really do need to flush him down the toilet and start fresh. Because it is better to wait for the truly special person than accept a scumbag today for the sake of company. I know I would rather rub fibreglass on my privates and then pour caustic soda on them afterwards then live in a relationship like yours...
 

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All my friends told me that I was over reacting...
Yes, but they are your friends...they have something to lose if they tell you the truth...such as your friendship with them.

Everyone here on the other hand are telling you exactly how it is, how we see it. No one here has mentioned that you are over reacting.

Good luck to you whatever you choose. I just think you'd be better off without him. There are soooo much better guys out there than this one.[/quote]
 

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Love is never having to make excuses about behavior. You will always know the behavior comes from a place of love. If you are having to make excuses or explanations about things...that isn't love. You're settling for less than you deserve.

If you are distrustful now, I can just about guarantee it is because of his apathetic behavior in the way he approaches your relationship. IF you had a relationship with a guy who was honest and truly loved you, none of this would ever be an issue, because someone who loves you does not make you feel bad.

I don't think the problem is that 'men are awful', I think you are not making very good choices. You need to find different men.
Until you make a change, everything will remain the same. If you are happy with it, then be happy. If you aren't...you know what you need to do.

Everyone here has given very good un-biased advice. Well, un-biased in the fact that we don't know you and your bf and are sharing our own experiences, but we are all biased in that we want you (one of 'us') to be happy.
Best of luck in whatever you decide,
Heidi
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Personally, I wouldn't wait on him, as it seems neither of you are really "in step" with each other's goals. :wink:
Personal experience (step brothers) speaking here... pot-heads don't magically get motivation to shoulder responsibility (ie: work, marriage, bills). How he is now is probably how he will be in 1yr, 5yrs and 10yrs. Except probably bigger/heavier and less healthy because of a lack of motivation to move and munchies.

Weigh the good and the bad.
If the bad outweighs the good, let it go.
If the good outweighs the bad, look at the bad with open eyes:the good definatly outweighs the bad, these two instances are the only time in nearly three yrs that we have even argued about anything.
Can you LIVE with the bad? The pot smoking(I really don't have a problem with) and the cig smoking(could live without, but not a deal breaker). Being inconsiderate of my feeling is, IMO, the only thing wrong with him, other than our differance in life goals, which was mostly him trying to egg me on, because he has previously said he wanted to start looking at house in a yr or so, so really he just dosne't know what is life goals are If so, then do so with no complaints because you have chosen to accept the bad to keep the good.
Can you NOT LIVE with the bad? If not, then you have to let go of both the bad and the good, no matter how good the good is...because if the bad is enough to poison your happiness it will eventually ruin the good that you wished to keep and you will be left with nothing to enjoy.

...make your decison and live with it. But the decision is always YOURS to make.
 
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