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I had to say goodbye to my little Zoe Bowie today. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I don't ever want to do it again, but I know I will.

Zoe got sick in March. We'd been treating her for an URI that never got better, only worse. Finally a couple of weeks ago she was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma. She was given weeks, at best, left to her. It was super aggressive. She had stopped eating on Saturday night and had started to show visual signs of pain. I knew I had to let her go, even though it was breaking my heart.

Zoe was my shadow. Anywhere I was, Zoe was. She slept with me, she sat on my lap when I was on the computer, she meditated with me, she sat on the edge of the bathtub and dangled her tail in the water when I was taking baths...any time I was home I just had to look around and I would find her.

I miss her so much already, and it's only been a few hours. I almost can't bear to be in the house because I know it's missing her. I knew it would be hard for me, but I never thought it would be this hard.

This morning when she was on my lap, I took a little snip of her fur for a keepsake. I wanted to do this while she was alive so it had that energy on it. Now just looking at it makes me burst into tears. I'll never get to pet my super soft kitty ever again. I'll never get to hear her purr and look up at me with the most love filled eyes ever again. I'll never get to see her lounging in the sun ever again. She was only 11, and I honestly never expected her to be taken from me so soon.

I will miss her forever.





 

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What a beautiful kitty! I am so sorry her life had to end so soon, they don't live nearly long enough. Yes, the emotional pain of loss is excruciating and it goes on and on... and then dissipates only to come back unexpectedly. I do not even know how many times I've been down to the Rainbow Bridge, but it's way too often.

Much sympathy. You did what you had to do, you saved her from continuing, worsening pain, you gave her an exit. A great kindness.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thank you, all. I am struggling so much with the decision to have her put down when I did. She was still very aware of everything and seeking me out of for comfort. I feel like I could have had more time with her and it's breaking my heart. I just miss her so much.
 

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Missing is what we do. No way around that. She was in pain, you could see it, you could NOT fix it. You made a deliberate sensible caring choice. Another few days of pain would have done nothing for you or for her. (I have been down this road, not trying to be harsh.)
 

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SCC is not good. I definitely wouldn't second guess the decision. That particular affliction can become so bad and painful so fast, you did her a respectful and honorable service by freeing her.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you a peaceful grief.
 

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Awww, such a sweet loving kitty was Zoe. Those "heart" kitties, as Zoe was, are truly heart breaking and difficult to get over their death. You did the right thing by not letting her suffer any longer. Don't second-guess yourself, believe me a little sooner is better than later. My last "heart" kitty, Alkee a week or so after her death came back to visit me in spirit. Don't be surprised if you have a similar experience....just their way of saying "Don't grieve, I'm OK". A Manx heart kitty I had many years ago came back for two visits in spirit. But I've had a many more over the many years I'ved owned cats that haven't. I truly believe that these special heart kitties will be with us in the spiritual kingdom. This has given me consolation and certainly helped my grieving process. May you also be so blessed.
 

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Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone. Your words bring me comfort and the knowledge that I am not alone in this ocean of grief.

I was so afraid that when I took her in she would be afraid. And she was. I had wanted to avoid that so very much but in my heart I knew if I would have waited until she would no longer be afraid it would be because I'd waited too long and caused her to suffer. As it was I could no longer smooch her face because the tumor caused her pain. And there were many moments in the day where she would be staring off into space with pained body language. So even though she was still alert and moving around OK, I know that she was doing it for me and that inside she was tired.

I did tell her on the day of that I would know her by the butterflies. And that day when I was pulling onto the drive to leave the vet a tiny little orange and brown butterfly landed right on my windshield, stayed for a bit, then fluttered away. I know it was her.

Nights are so hard because she was always with me. I loved having her with me and would often fall asleep with her cuddled to my heart. The grief feels exponential because I chose to take her out of this world - she didn't go on her own.

I just can't wait for this pain to lesson and my heart to heal.
 

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StormChaser,
Many, many (((HUGS))) I've been through the Goodbyes...and it always hurts our hearts...
You gave Zoe the most important gift of Love you could, by letting her Fly away from the pain here.
She'll have a bunch of new friends at the Bridge, and a Special Ray of Sunshine, to call her own.
Sharon
1472069100331.jpg
 

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I am so sorry about Zoe, StormChaser. :( What a beautiful little girl she was! She'll always be with you, even if you can't see her. Hugs to you.
 

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Thank you so, so much for your words of comfort and sympathy on my post. I didn't see yours originally, so I just read it now. Your story is so heartbreaking. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Zoe.

If I knew you in real life, I would give you a huge hug! Believe me when I say I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's so hard to stop yourself from the guilt, thinking Did I do the Right Thing? Was There Something Else I Could Do? I think a lot of it is that our babies weren't particularly old, and their illnesses came out of the blue (and were aggressive!) If you're anything like me, I truly thought I had years left with my boys; sickness wasn't even in the realm of possibility. You need to know that you absolutely did the right thing for Zoe. That you didn't let her suffer is the most selfless, ultimate act of your love and devotion to her. I know what it's like to want extra hours - minutes even! - but those minutes come at such a high cost. You did the right thing, without question.

You are certainly not alone in your pain and grief. I know that we'll never stop missing our babies, but maybe that's ok. It means knowing the true meaning of love and companionship. They've left us with the everlasting gift of so many happy memories, and their paw prints will forever be on our hearts.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Thank you, Miko's Mom... I am just seeing this response now! ((( ♥ )))

It has been almost 3 months now since I said goodbye to Zoe, and I still cry when I think of her. She's becoming a memory and I think that hurts more than anything. I cherish the memories, but they pale in comparison to my sweet baby girl. I do tell myself often that I did the right thing for her, and when I look at the pictures of those last couple of weeks, it is so obvious how much pain she was in. I am truly thankful that the very last video I ever took of her was right before we left for the vet... she was in my lap and I was petting her, crying as she purred and kept looking up at me with those beautiful love filled eyes that I miss so much. I knew that was going to be the last moment we had together that was truly "us", because as soon as I took her to the vet I knew I would have to be strong for her, because she would be scared. And she was, but in the end, all there was, was peace.

For anyone reading this, know that it is OK to grieve, and to grieve hard. These little Lights are precious gifts. I am truly honored to have experienced a bond like this, and I hope that it is not the last. In fact, I will be spending Saturday meeting with rescue kitties, in hopes that one will be meant to come home with me. ♥
 

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Big hugs. I am so sorry, and understand the second guessing. It is hard to know. We do the best with the information we have. Your heart was in the right place, so I am sure it was a good time. I think I went too long with my favorite cat, and my sister feels the same about the last cat she had to put down. The vet asked her why she waited so long:(

RIP Zoe.
 

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I am so sorry for the loss of Zoe.. It is soooo hard to lose our furry family members.. Making that final act of LOVE is the most difficult one.. I am sure she is watching you from the other side of the bridge. xxxx
 
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